by OPOVV, ©2016

(Aug. 28, 2016) — “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to ‘Pulse of the Nation,’ the show that lets it all hang out. We interview regular folk walking down this sidewalk and put them on the spot.

“Excuse me, Miss, Chief New Leaf here for ‘Pulse.’ Mind answering a question for our viewers?”

“Not at all. Enjoy your show, by the way. I thought I’d miss Mr. Roving Reporter but you’re getting to be as rude and obnoxious as he was, so I’m a fan. Okay, what’s the question for the day?”

“Question is: Do you agree with the deportation of anchor babies and all the 20-some million illegal immigrants?”


“That’s it? Just one ‘yes’?”

“Yes; yes; yes; yes. One ‘YES’ for every illegal immigrant. Millions of ‘YES’s.’ And, just for the road, mind you, a few extra ‘YES’s’ just for kicks.

“Yes for anchor babies; yes for their mothers and fathers, aunts and uncles, grandparents and neighbors, friends, girlfriends and boyfriends; enemies, arch and otherwise.

“And I’ll go one step further, which we can do nowadays because we have computers: everyone who wants these illegals in, well, let them pay for them. Let’s say every illegal immigrant costs $1,000/month, then we take $250 a week from those who want them here.

“And as far as deporting 11 million or whatever the number is: hey, let them leave by the same way they came in. There’s no ‘Can’t’ in America. And here’s my train. Bye.”

“Goodbye and thanks for your time. Hello, sir, care to be interviewed?”

“Oh, you surprised me. What’s with the buckskins and the rifle? You looking to shoot buffalo or take revenge on ‘Wounded Knee’?”

“All of the above. Listen: you a football fan?”

“Why, yes, I follow our local team. Do I paint myself up as a piece of cheese or as a bird: Falcon or a Seahawk? No, I do not, but I do watch maybe six games a week, no more than the average fan, I suppose.”

“Actually, you’re right at the mean number. Let me ask you about Colin Kaepernick.”

“I knew that was coming. Like I told my wife the other day: many thousands died, were maimed for life fighting for our way of life, a life that allows a person with physical talent to rise to the top and make some money while he entertains the masses.”

“Say what?”

“This Kaepernick character is, foremost, an entertainer, just as all professional athletes are entertainers. We pay their salary, either through gate receipts or buying the advertiser’s products. The advertisers pay for advertising time based on market value, which is why it costs an arm and a leg to advertise during the Super Bowl.

“The New York market can charge a lot more than, say, the Seattle market. Advertisers want to know, make that immediately want to know, how many people saw their television ad. What I’m saying is that any team that has a traitor like Kaepernick I will not watch. Either the channel will be changed or the TV will be turned O-F-F. I have a sneaky suspicion that my TV will be off whenever Kaepernick is on.

“I used to be in marketing, so I know that if you turn your TV off they know right then and there. So what I’m saying is, if you love America, you’ll do what I’ll be doing: whenever Kaepernick’s team is on I won’t be watching, and neither should you. And I hear my train, so I better leave before I say something that I won’t regret but it may upset some of your viewers.”

“Okay, then. Thank you for your comment. And off he goes. I have to say I agree with him, about changing the channel or turning the TV off whenever that ungrateful wealthy brat — who thinks he’s too good to stand and honor all those who have died for our flag — refuses to stand during our National Anthem. Reminds me of Hanoi Jane.

“Our time is up and so, on behalf of the crew, I’ll be wishing you all a goodnight: Goodnight.

“And I used to like watching San Francisco: no more. What do you say we grab ourselves a burger: my treat.”

Ragged Old Flag (required listening)


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