“DO IT THE MILITARY WAY”
by OPOVV, ©2016
(Jun. 13, 2016) — “How. Chief New Leaf standing in for Roving, who is on assignment in Boulder, Nevada, at the Southern Nevada Veterans’ Memorial Cemetery, working on an upcoming special honoring our fallen Veterans.
We were informed of a business license issued to a Mr. John Camp for a ‘Hostage Concession Stand,’ which naturally piqued our curiosity. We’re at the home of a ‘John Camp’ out here in the suburbs. And here I am ringing the doorbell.
Hello. Chief New Leaf for ‘Pulse of the Nation.’ Are you the gentleman who applied for the concession stand license?”
“Yes, I am: pleased to meet you. What do you say we walk around back to the patio? I just put up a new awning yesterday and we’ll give it a test. How can I help you?”
“Well, what exactly is a ‘hostage concession stand?’ You have a concession stand for, what, hostages? It doesn’t make any sense.”
“No, it’s not for the hostages. My mistake. I should’ve named it better, I guess. It’s for the SWAT teams, police, reporters and onlookers.”
“How did you come up with the idea?”
“Actually, I came up with it during the Columbine school shootings, way back in 1999. That’s when the police sat outside and didn’t go in until the shooting stopped. So the cops were out there in, I guess you could call it, a coffee-and-donut free zone for hours.
“And then the other day, in Orlando, the SWAT team waited three hours before they went into the nightclub. Think about it: the Orlando police, the sheriff’s department, the FBI and others were – and there’s no other word for it – ‘disenfranchised.’”
“How disenfranchised?”
“I think it’s public knowledge how horrible a heroin withdrawal can be, or an alcoholic one. But it really isn’t public knowledge how utterly devastating a policeman’s withdrawal is after 90 minutes away from a donut and a cup of coffee.
“And so I’ve solved the very real medical problem of ‘PODCOW’ – ‘Police Coffee Donut Withdrawal’ — at any SWAT gathering.”
“But aren’t SWAT teams supposed to go in fast, that sort of thing? And if that’s the case, they’d be in and out even before you got set up.”
“Only on television and in Hollywood – the movies – does it happen fast. Look, if they knew what they were doing it would be fast.”
“So you know better?”
“As a matter of fact, I do. First is to have our police made up ONLY of ex-military. Second, since they ARE ex-military they know what to do.”
“And what is that?”
“Simple: send in two shooters, ONLY two. All the rest can secure the perimeter, drink coffee and eat my donuts.”
“Looks like you got a pretty good handle on it. So you have your scanner and are allowed to, what, park anywhere there’s a SWAT team?”
“Interesting question. Ever see one of those very large SWAT team panel vans? I park next to it; I use it as a wall, safe from stray rounds. I mean, nobody would be so crazy as to attack a donut stand.”
“I see that our time is up, Mr. Camp. Great idea, and I wish you well on your new business. Good insight as to how to secure a building: do it the military way. Yet another reason why ALL of our police departments must comprise our military Veterans.
“Thank you, Mr. Camp, for your hospitality. And so, on behalf of the crew, I’ll be wishing you all a goodnight: Goodnight.”
“Chief New Leaf and crew?”
“Yes, Mr. Camp?”
“It’s about time for lunch, care to stay for some burgers? I started the coals just before you showed up, so it’s all ready to go.”
“Be glad to. Thanks.”