The Guru of 118th Ave. West (RR)


by OPOVV, ©2015

(Jul. 13, 2015) — “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. We’ve received a rather interesting suggestion from one of our longtime viewers, Lela, about a rather strange individual who lives on the edge of town. The talk on the street is this guy has all the answers to every question anybody could ever come up with, which was enough for us to drive all the way out here to see if this guy’s for real.

“Well, here we are. Here’s the mailbox, 118, and here’s a path, so let’s see what we will see.”


“What the?…‘Halt’? For what? And who in the heck are you telling me to halt? Is this your property? You must be the ‘Guru.’”

“Yes and yes. But I wouldn’t know anything about any ’Guru.’”

“You wouldn’t, would you? Then how come you’re dressed up in a ‘Guru’ outfit? You look like you belong in a television commercial.”

“Yes and yes. Okay, I am the ‘Guru’. Step over this way to my tent.”

“Tent? You mean as in ‘carnival-midway fortune-teller’ tent?”

“Yes and yes. Wait! Yes to the ‘carnival-midway’ reference and yes to the fortune-teller reference. We’re safe for a little while longer, the ‘International Guru Union’, from the PCP, that would be the ‘Political Correct Police’. ‘Gurus’ are guys. There’s no women in our union, and so far we’ve been doing okay. If the reasoning-challenged-liberals — I know, it’s an oxymoron — ever get our number, they’d make us put a ladies’ room in our tents, for Pete’s sake. Maybe require us to buy an ‘approve’ crystal ball, from an ‘approved vendor’, like purchasing for the Pentagon.

“Okay, here we are. You like it? This 50” flat screen I just put in last week. And, believe it or not, that refrigerator was sitting out at the curb, just up the street. All that was wrong was the drain for the ice-maker was clogged with algae; just used a pipe cleaner to unclog it. Works fine. You want a beer? Got water, too. Ice cubes, you name it. Sit.”

‘Three waters, please. Thank you. Alright, we’ll have a seat. You all right with the camera? Sound check okay? Great.”

“Yes and yes. Sorry to interrupt, but I know what you want to ask me, not what’s written on that card that you just palmed in your hand there. You want to ask about the VA’s treatment of its Vets, the ones who need help with their PTSD. Forget it. Accept the number ‘22’, as in ‘22 Vets murder themselves every day’. Actually the number is higher, but if the number ‘22’ doesn’t get your attention, then any other number wouldn’t make any difference.

“This is how it works: a Vet walks in and asks for help about his PTSD. Now, let’s go back in time, years, for sure, although not all of the time. What I’m saying is that the PTSD symptom has been festering for a long time, too long, and if it were an open wound, the telltale signs of blood poisoning would be apparent: long, thin lines of red, and if that were the case, they’d be rushed into the emergency room pronto, as in “STAT!”

“You with me? That’s how far gone these Vets are, even before they get by the ‘embarrassment’ part, as maybe not being ‘brave’ enough to face it alone. I had no problem saving myself and my men. We were in an impossible situation that we ‘volunteered’ for. There was no possible way out. We were dead but didn’t know it until I, thanks to a two-month advantage in seniority, ordered that we turn the tables on the enemy and attack them, in the dead of night, in unfamiliar territory: no maps, no communications, and no experience on the weapons that we had.

“Heck, I only fired a BAR in practice, and only about three rounds at that. ‘Here, let me introduce you to the BAR’. Anyway, it took more courage to knock on the door of the VA hospital and ask for help than it did to crawl on my stomach to get to the enemy and wipe them off the face of the earth. Everyone who was alive when I took command stayed alive, although beaten up and thirsty beyond belief. There is nothing that can beat an Igloo full of fresh, cool water. Nothing. Second place, if any of you are bothering to count, is a GooglePlex behind water.

“The following morning, while we were waiting for either extraction or getting attacked by a battalion of really ticked-off VC, we made up verses to the song ‘Cool Water.’  The verses included beer and women, but only after ‘cool, clear water’ quenched our mental thirst.

“But I digress. I’m sorry. But I was making a point, and the point is this: ‘Oh, hello. So you have PTSD (as if you have, let’s say, a wood tick on your back). Here, fill out this form. Have you been here before? Do you own any guns? Thank you, someone will either call you or you’ll receive something in the mail. Is this your correct address?’

“Look, I’m telling you that if you were to compile a video dictionary of human emotions and were going to define the word ‘seething’, what you do is set up a camera outside the door and zero in on the faces of the people who leave after applying for PTSD help. But even that doesn’t do the human emotion justice. Perhaps if you were to define ‘over-the-top seething’, that would be closer to what you‘d be filming.

“Let’s say a parent just got word that one of his children died in combat and goes to the same place. ‘Thank you, someone will either call you or you’ll receive something in the mail. Is this your correct address?’

“‘Is this my correct address?’ Who do they think they’re kidding? People who come to the VA and ask for help need the help as in the word ‘NOW!’  The ‘correct address’ ploy smells a little too much like ‘We don’t need no stinking badges’ for my liking. Nothing about the VA has changed, and nothing will change as long as you have civilians running the show. If any government department needed to be billeted by Veterans, it’s the VA. And I do mean every position.

“Let me throw you an aside, if you’d be so kind to indulge me. I want to tell you what combat is like in a sentence or two. It’s all about one’s perception of time and the privilege, meaning rest, your mind takes while living in a non-combat environment. You see, in combat, the real kind, where you can get your head, your entire head blown off, there’s no perception of time because the future has been erased. There is no future: all there is is the here and now. Oh, you may have some sort of thought of getting out alive, but you don’t even have the extra time, the spare time to even indulge in such wasteful and non-productive thoughts. Your whole life is doing what you’ve been trained for to the best of your ability and that’s the whole scope of your existence. Now, to put it as diplomatically and humanely possible, I humbly suggest to not ask if that’s the correct address!

“The way our Veterans are being so callously treated is appalling; shouldn’t be tolerated; a disgrace. Now I know you probably wanted to ask about something else, but presidential candidate Donald Trump brought up the subject last week, about how it’s a disgrace the way our Veterans are treated, and I, for one, applaud his candor.

“And I know you’re running out of time, but I’m getting rather sick and tired of these New York and Washington ‘Know-it-Alls’ saying stuff like ‘Trump isn’t a serious contender’ and he doesn’t have any ‘political experience’. Reminds me of the number ‘22’, as if that isn’t enough. Look around: our debt is out of control; our trade is out of control; our population is out of control; we have Muslims in our country who are out of control; Ft. Hood, anyone?  We have illegal immigrants killing our people and these so-called ‘Know-it-Alls’ have the unmitigated audacity to tell us that everything will be okay, everything will be fine as long as you elect one of the insiders, and certainly not Trump.

“I’m not buying the lies. I’m not buying the either ‘Hillary or Bush’ ticket. Same old Status Quo; same old slide into oblivion. No, I like Trump because he’s not one of the ‘Good Old Boys’; not of the New York/Washington don’t-upset-the-apple-cart crowd.

“So what if Lois Lerner lied, cheated, broke the law? As long as she collects her pension then all is right with the world; as long as LTC Terry Lakin’s Dishonorable Discharge conviction is upheld, all is right with SCOTUS, Congress and the Joint Chiefs of Staff. Maybe Trump is the one, because it seems as if all of the others are cut from the same cloth, with a few exceptions, Carly Fiorina being one, and Dr. Ben Carson.

“But I see your sound girl is pointing to her watch so I’ll just say that’s all I got to say about all of our Vets killing themselves, with no help for the foreseeable future: Is this your correct address?  Just sit back and wait for your pension check. Must be nice. And let’s be sure to ask the question about ‘owning any guns’. ‘Are you a Muslim and are you going to abide by the US Constitution?’  ‘No. Not Muslim. Wife wear burqa because it is her way. She not have bomb around her waist. Now, please, let us 1) board the plane, 2) board the bus, 3) go into the mall.’”

“One question.”

“Yes and yes. It is a man-cave and my wife approves. Goodbye.”

“And goodbye to you, Mr. Guru. Well, that was something, now wasn’t it? Just goes to show you never know. That was quite a dissertation about our Vets with PTSD, wasn’t it? I mean, the way the VA is just sweeping it all under the rug. And he seemed knowledgeable in the subject, that I got.

“Well, that’s our show for this evening. Hope you enjoyed it as much as I. Good point about Vets taking care of Vets, I thought. Goodnight.”

“Good show, guys. Did you notice those two doors on the left? One was a bathroom and I think the other went to a basement, or tornado shelter. Pretty nice place, a tent covering a building so it looks like a tent. Ha! Funny guy. What? Oh, you’re right, Guru.”

Semper Fi


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