“CRAZED INDIVIDUALS”
by OPOVV, ©2015
(May 9, 2015) — ACT I
Curtain rises on an unemployment office, rows of folding chairs to the right, teller window to the left. The background music is Brahms’s “Intermezzo in A Minor, Op. 76, No.7.” On the back wall is a clock stuck at 10 o’clock and an electronic number waiting sign stuck on number 59 that flashes once in a while. A middle-aged government female employee steps from behind the teller’s counter and addresses the 12 people sitting in the chairs. The dress is in the current fashion. The lighting is a soft white.
Lady: “Excuse me, may I have your attention, please? Thank you. As I’m sure you’re all aware, this ‘Hope and Change’ jive was just a bunch of hot air. There are no jobs because this administration wants everyone in America to be dependent on the government so as to make the takeover as easy as possible.
“That said, there are jobs available overseas. Our department has just been informed by the Department of Homeland Security that they will fast-track any applicant for a passport.
“Let me read from the list of what’s available at this time. I understand that all of these jobs start at $500 a month, but then room and board are paid for, as are, if I’m reading this correctly, weapons and ammunition.
“Okay. The first job description reads as follows: ‘Wanted: Enthusiastic woman to work in the public relations section of the ISIS Army. Must be able to convince women that thinking is detrimental to their health. Must be able to sell women on the advantages of not having to make a decision by themselves: that all the decision-making is done by the husband. Must be able to convince women that if they let their husbands catch them reading, the husband may become upset and be forced to beat her.’
“Some of you women should be able to qualify for that one. Here’s one for the men: ‘Wanted: pick-up truck driver. Experience in stopping and backing-up quickly. Must be able to check vehicle fluids and tire pressures.’
“That’s it for now, I’m afraid, but we’ve been told that there’s a blanket opening for ‘crazed individuals’ who have no ability to reason. It says here: ‘Send us some real losers who’ll be given the honor of being the ‘Pathfinders’ through minefields.’ It also says ‘Fast track to Paradise.’
“I’ll give you a couple of minutes and then your name will be called in a random order. Thank you.”
Curtain lowers.
ACT II
Curtain rises on just the first row of chairs to the far right, teller window center, and a private room far stage left. Background music is Mozart’s “Piano Sonata K331: 3rd movement, Rondo alla turca.” Lighting same. Teller stands and calls out a name.
Teller: “Joan Simpson, calling Joan Simpson.”
Young lady stands from the first row and nervously walks up to the teller window.
Teller: “Hello. I see you used to be a secretary for a brokerage firm, so you should be able to sell women on the advantages of being a good Muslim wife.”
Joan: “Yes, I suppose that’s correct, but I haven’t had any experience with lying, so that may be a problem.”
Teller: “Yes. Well, what about the minefield thing, interested in that one?”
Joan: “I’m afraid not. I’m sorry, but I’m not a loser and can think for myself. The only reason I’m unemployed is that all of the companies that we traded stocks on have gone out of business.”
Teller: “Another 52 weeks of unemployment. That’s all.”
Joan walks away with a big smile on her face. The teller stands and calls out another name.
Teller: “Tom Nelson. Tom Nelson, please. Hello, are you Tom Nelson?”
Tom: “Yes, I am Tom Nelson.”
Teller: “It’s your lucky day. Which job did you like, the ‘public relations job’, ‘driver’, or ‘Pathfinder’?”
Tom: “I like to be a truck driver.”
Teller: “Ah, got one! Well, young man, you’re off on quite an adventure. Please come with me and we’ll get you all set up after one more interview.”
Teller escorts Tom to the back room, knocks and opens the door. He and Tom walk into the room and the Teller indicates in which chair Tom is to sit, then the Teller leaves the room.
Curtain lowers.
ACT III
Curtain rises on the office center stage. The lighting to the left and right of the office is red, while the light in the office is a red and white mix. Background music is Chopin’s “Piano Sonata No. 2 in B Flat Minor, Op. 35. ”Tom is sitting in the same chair. There is a puff of smoke from the chair behind the desk and, as the smoke dissipates, the Devil is in the chair.
Tom: “What the…?”
Devil: chuckling “Right on. So, you want to join my Army, do you now?”
Tom: “I think I just changed my mind.”
Devil: “No can do. Once you walk through that door, the only way out is in a box. No, you’re going with all the other dregs of society, men and women, on an insane quest of torture and murder. Have fun.”
Tom: “Look, I’ll make you a deal. What if I say that Obama was born in Hawaii, will that help?”
Devil: [Devil perks up] “No way. But, then again, why not? Got any more?”
Tom: “I’ll turn in my membership to the NRA. Will that let me off the hook?”
Devil: “Let you off the hook? Sure will. Now just sign on the dotted line that you swear that you’ve seen Obama’s Birth Certificate and that you’ll never mention ‘Fast and Furious’ ever again, agreed?”
Tom: takes the pen from the Devil and signs the document “Whew! I’m out of here.”
As Tom walks out of the office there’s a puff of smoke where the Devil was sitting as the curtain lowers.
FINI