Take Me to Your Leader

“WE AIN’T GOT A LEADER”

by OPOVV, ©2014

(Oct. 14, 2014) — ACT I

The curtain rises on a John Deere tractor, stage right, with a farmer, dressed in overalls, wiping the sweat off his brow with a handkerchief. The back half of the stage is rows of corn; center stage is a picnic table, and on stage left is an old rusted pickup truck on blocks. The backdrop is of a blue sky with white fluffy clouds. The sounds of birds chirping are faintly heard.

The farmer’s phone rings and he reaches in his pocket and pulls out the phone.

Farmer: “Yep, I’m here. Just finished. Yep, I’m about to head on back. Bye.”

Suddenly the birds are quiet and the sound of a VW 4-cylinder air-cooled engine is heard down-shifting and, out of the blue, a 1960 VW Microbus comes down from the sky and lands on the bed of the pickup truck. The VW is painted all silver, including the windows and tires. The engine access door pops open and out steps the Alien, dressed in a silver suit, about five feet tall, wearing a football helmet (silver) with a blinking blue light on the top. Meanwhile, the farmer is fumbling with his phone.

Alien: “It won’t work, you’re wasting your time.”

The Alien walks to the picnic table and sits facing the tractor.

Farmer: “Aren’t your first words supposed to be ‘Take me to your leader’?”

The Farmer climbs off the tractor, ambles over and sits facing the Alien at the picnic table.

Alien: “No, that’s wrong. The first thing we’re supposed to do is to calm any possible anxiety our landing may have caused, like your phone, for instance. There’s nothing wrong with your phone and as soon as I leave it’ll function as advertised. So forget about the phone.”

Farmer: “Forgotten.”

Alien: “Now we’re getting to the part about ‘Take me to your leader.’”

Farmer: “You mean we’re not there yet?”

Alien: “Not quite. Almost, though. First, I’d like to ask you a few questions, okay?”

Farmer: “Yea, sure, but I can’t wait to get to the part where you ask me to take you to ‘my leader.’”

Alien: “Why’s that?”

Farmer: “Because we ain’t got a leader, that’s why. I’d like to see how you’d take that bit of news.”

Alien: “What do you mean you don’t have a leader? Why, everyone has a leader. I have a leader. The planets around Alpha Centauri have a leader. How come you got no leader?”

Farmer: “Look, I don’t particularly like it any more than you seem to, but that’s the way it is. Now, we have a de facto leader of sorts, but no one would ever mistake him for a ‘leader’ of anything; why, he couldn’t walk two dogs at the same time.”

Alien: “Wow! You guys are hurtin’, that I can see. So, now, tell me this then: how’d you get so out of whack? I mean, how, with all of you communications via radio and newspapers and internet and phones and other gizmos, what happened?”

Farmer: “Good question, for sure. I think some people are just plain dumb, and there’s others who are just followers; can’t think for themselves.”

Alien: “Yes, I understand of what you speak. We have the same problem:  you know, dumb people who couldn’t fight their way out of a paper bag. We call such people ‘Obots.’”

Farmer: “No kiddin’! So do we, we call our dumb people ‘Obots,’ too! Imagine that? What are the chances? By the way, how does your spaceship fly?”

Alien: “Our ‘Obots’ stand for: Ob-scurification idi-ots. Like attempting to hide stupidity in plain sight. What about yours?”

Farmer: “Ours is Ob-ama idi-ots. See, Obama is the de facto joke, and our idiots are the same. I guess we have a lot in common.”

Alien: “Well, we sure have our share of idiots.”

Farmer: “So, tell me, how does your spaceship work?”

Alien: “Easy. It works on the principal of polarity. Your Einstein was close but no banana. It’s just a measure of polarity. Living tissue always in a state of flux, while non-living not so much. I mean, the atoms in a hunk of granite are moving, sure, but orderly and slowly while your ‘mind is a raging torrent, flooded with rivulets of thought cascading into a waterfall of creative alternatives.’ Understand? Hey, it’s getting dark.”

Farmer: “Eh, what’s that supposed to mean? Oh, yeah, it gets dark about this time.”

Alien: “That does it. No leader, no me. My work is done, then. Got to leave now, anyway. Can’t drive at night; some fool painted over the headlights. Nice chat. Bye.”

The Alien climbs back into his VW microbus, we hear the engine start and up and away it goes, and the only sound is the VW going through the gears, first to second, second to third, as the curtain is lowered. The farmer continues to sit at the picnic table looking up. It isn’t until the curtain is completely lowered that the VW hits fourthgear and the sound dissipates.

FINI

Semper Fi

OPOVV