The First Annual AWFUL Awards

by Thomas Reiner, Quartz Mountain Commentary, ©2026

(Jan. 19, 2026) — Welcome to the First Annual AWFUL Awards that dishonor the goofiest, most churlish Americans whose out-of-control self-importance and egotism is an anathema to the majority of their fellow Americans. This boorish behavior garners nonstop media coverage which encourages the viewer to either munch on popcorn or throw it at the television screen. An AWFUL candidate must possess a wide spectrum of bad behavior ranging from abject stupidity to criminal activity to good ole anti-American values. The AWFUL award stands for “Affluent White Female Urban Liberal” in addition to describing truly despicable people. So let’s get on with the show and announce the winners or, if you prefer, losers.

The Dumb and Dumber Award: Governor Tim Walz and Soy Boy Minneapolis Mayor Jacob Frey. This comedy duo continues to wreck the State of Minnesota via inciting riots and encouraging enormous fraud. “Walz the Hut” is a fat blustering liar as well as a coward who abandoned his troops. He constantly yells “Squirrel!” to divert attention from his shenanigans. His sidekick Frey plays Robin with the foulest of mouths that incite sedition. Never since Confederate guns fired on Fort Sumter has there been such an insurrection and a call for Civil War against the Federal Government. As the Union once again holds as the Confederacy was crushed, all Frey can say to Walz is, “Well, here’s another nice mess you’ve gotten me into!”

The Dynamic Duo Award: Zohran Mamdani and Cea Weaver. You gotta love these two, as they are both children of extremely wealthy parents, and all they want to do is seize the means of production. How adorable. Their parents should have given both of them a good spanking. As they get their Stalin on, businesses and people who hire people are fleeing New York City, as there is no Snake Plissken to save The City. Their embrace of Communism is a tired story throughout history and never has a happy ending. “Zohran the Magnificent” is a pretty boy who doesn’t believe what he preaches, but it beats his former gig as a rapper. Weaver doesn’t bother to hide her racism against white homeowners even though she is [GASP] white. Once her utopia succeeds, the rat population will explode, and some of those rats are not even rodents. Who’s on First? Zohran and Cea, of course, while New Yahkers suffer.

The Three Stooges Award: Nothing yells, “Moe! Larry! Curly!” more than the comedy trio of Nancy Pelosi, Chuck Schumer and Hakeem Jeffries. They flip their positions faster than the short-order cook making pancakes at the Waffle House. They have turned the Legislative Branch into a whipped cream pie fight, but that whipped cream has expired and become sour…DOH!

The Kathy Griffin Award: Rosie O’Donnell is the winner while her television visage is grosser than the severed head of Trump that Kathy Griffin sports like a purse. Rosie used to be mildly funny but she is now afflicted with terminal TDS with her self-imposed exile to Ireland. She must be hitting all the bars in Dublin, as she cannot keep her trap shut for more than ten seconds before going off on President Trump. We say good riddance to this dunderhead, but we know her ego is bigger than her TDS and she won’t stay away. 

The Aristocrats Award: Gavin Newsom is the clear winner of spew. A word of warning to the four people who have never heard of “The Aristocrats” movie: do not under any circumstances watch it on a full stomach. It is the grossest movie of all time, where its roots hail back to the Vaudeville era and are still practiced in private comedian circles. Which brings us back to Gavin Newsom. He will say anything to promote himself. Newsom is a proverbial shape-shifter who tells any given audience what he thinks they want to hear. His tongue is slipperier than his hair gel. He has done nothing but destroy the once great state of California. His goal is to turn America into New California. 

The Amos and Andy Minority Award: Jasmine Crockett and Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. These two dunces are actually quite entertaining with their stupidity. Jazzy is exceptionally talented with her ghetto vibe even though she grew up in an upper-class family while attending top institutions such as Rhodes College. She is going to make a great cohost on “The View” after voters kick her butt out of politics. AOC used to be an exceptional bartender before becoming America’s Big Mouth. She has accomplished exactly nothing for her constituents, especially after quashing 25,000 Amazon jobs in her district, as she claims to be campaigning on affordability. Her squeaky voice would have gotten her a spot on the old “Ed Sullivan Show” playing opposite Topo Gigio.

The AWFL AWFUL Award, also known as the Aunt Gladys Award, goes to the Karen Intifada of Minneapolis. These blue-haired, nose- ringed fat slobs have nothing better to do than to screech at the latest Far Left fad. Their latest hate is that ICE isn’t NICE. Just as Homo Sapiens split apart from the apes, AWFLs will become a separate species, but luckily with their hatred of the Maleocracy, they will be unable to reproduce and become extinct.

Which brings us to The AWFUL Grand Prize Award. There were many contenders, but two slimed below the rest to become the muckiest:

Honorable mention goes to the Democratic Party. The Democrats are teetering on the border of Communism as all remaining moderates are being kicked out of the Party and replaced with Lefties leaning Leftier. They don’t believe in traditional American ideals. Their motto is becoming, “Git Yer Free Stuff and Reparations Here!” They were once the Party of the working people but have become panderers of the Soros Brigade, throwing workers into the dumpster in favor of backloading America with useless Illegal Aliens and giving them the Vote. Their only platform is to impeach President Trump while opposing anything and everything that President Trump stumps for.

The Grand Prize is awarded to the most AWFUL person in the world. This award goes to the individual(s) who has/have done the most damage to America. By unanimous vote, this year’s award goes to “King Joe Biden.” His stupidity and maliciousness were simultaneously excused and ignored from his ever-growing dementia during his term of office. Mr. Biden opened America’s border to 20 million Illegal Aliens who now suck off America’s teat as well as engage in fraudulent and criminal activities. One hundred thousand Americans died each year of fentanyl poisoning which flooded across our borders. Terrorism is back in fashion. It will take years to deport these Invaders. He created the worst inflation in 40 years. His weakness and appeasement of America’s enemies invited wars throughout the globe, notably Ukraine and the invasion of Israel by Hamas. Biden is probably the worst President in American History, so he is well-deserving of this award.

There were many other deserving knuckleheads of the AWFUL awards, but this year’s winners, aka “losers,” won hands down. President Trump is whipping inflation, closing the borders, deporting Illegals, ending wars, reforming taxes and improving the economy with robust foreign investment. Next year’s AWFULs will have to be exceptionally creative to harm and shame America more than this year’s batch. Stay tuned for more depravity from future contestants.