by Henry, ©2025
(Dec. 9, 2025) — [Editor’s Note: Based on a true story from Cheatham County, TN]
“Hello, boys and girls, it’s Story Time with Uncle Professor Wert. Today we’re going to examine what good bureaucrats do: nothing*. So, get comfy and our actors will put on a play for you.”
“Flowers on the Wall” (2:19)
The house lights dim as the curtain rises to a well-lit boardroom with a long table running lengthwise across the stage. There are chairs on both side from end to end. A man and a woman enter from stage right. The mayor of the county, followed by his Code Enforcement Officer, enter stage left. They shake hands and then proceed to sit at the table, with the county employees facing the audience on raised chairs.
Mayor: “You understand that this meeting is for show only and nothing of importance will be decided today or any day.”
Woman: “But, Mr. Mayor, we have proof of deed manipulation. We have copies of your own records – county records, stored down the hall in this very building — that prove our case.”
Mayor: “That is all very well and good, but you are required to address me as ‘Your Majesty’ if you expect me to listen to you.”
Man: “By all means, Your Majesty. In the year 1990 Mr. G. purchased a lot with the address of #24. He then dug a well and moved his trailer on his land and he was happy but missed his son, who he loved very deeply.”
Woman: “He was a sad man, Your Majesty.”
Man: “And then one day the man concocted a scheme to bypass the county’s strict ordinance that only one house is allowed per address.”
Code Enforcement Officer: “Illegal building; illegal building; illegal building.”
Man: “Precisely, Your Majesty Code Enforcement Officer. But Mr. G. outfoxed the county.”
Mayor: “Say it isn’t so!”
Man: “But it is so, Your Majesty. What Mr. G. did was purchase the land next to him and call it #26.”
Code Enforcement Officer: “But only the Post Office can do that.”
Woman: “I’m sorry to inform Mr. Majesty Code Enforcement Officer that Mr. G. just stuck a mailbox up and called it #26.”
Mayor: “Let me get this straight. Mr. G. bought #24 and lived on it for a decade and then put another house on his property without ever moving his trailer; is that right?”
Woman: “That is quite correct, Your Majesty.”
Mayor: “So he fooled the county that the deed for the trailer was now the deed for the illegal building, the one the son lives in.”
Man: “Lived in, Your Majesty; he moved.”
Mayor: “He moved?”
Woman: “They both moved, Your Majesty, after they went to a couple of banks and proceeded to take loans out on two houses on two separate lots.”
Mayor: “But there’s only one lot, one lot with two houses on it.”
Code Enforcement Officer: “So what do you expect of us, the county, to do?”
Woman: “All we want is that #24 be brought up to a legal status by having it subdivided properly, as it should’ve been from the very beginning.”
Mayor: “But then they’d never get the money from the banks, or certainly not as much. You have proof of deed manipulation?”
Man: “Mr. G. did it himself, Your Majesty, sometimes twice on the same day to fine-tune the deeds so the banks would swallow the lies that each house was on its own property. The county employees who type up the deeds never question the veracity of the information, Your Majesty.”
Mayor: “The two houses were on the same property.”
Man: “And still are, Your Majesty, and we want it made right. We expect the property to be subdivided, made legal.”
Mayor: “My Code Enforcement Officer and I must discuss this in private, so let’s take a short break, shall we?”
“Love Letters in the Sand” (2:24)
Mayor: “And we’re back. What we have decided is that, even though you have proved that the second building that was put on #24 is an illegal building, we feel that anything we say may be construed as ‘doing something.’”
Code Enforcement Officer: “What His Majesty is saying is we can’t be accused of making decisions. You see, the whole point of our ‘phony baloney jobs’ (0:20) is to look important to the stupid voters who pay our salary and retirement; certainly you can appreciate our point of view.”
Woman: “Now listen, Your Majesty, according to the rules of the county, only one house per lot is allowed, pure and simple. And we have proved that there are two dwellings on one lot through deed manipulation. The second house must be subdivided, that or torn down, but no matter what happens we need action from Code Enforcement.”
Code Enforcement Officer: “I’m sorry you feel that way. I think we have demonstrated great care and consideration of your plight and there’s nothing more we can do.”
Man: “But you haven’t done anything.”
Mayor: “It’s up to the courts. Looks to me the second house is the real owner of #24.”
Man: “Code Enforcement for the courts? Because you’re afraid to do your job? You said the second building was an illegal building; you said it three times. What changed? Let me tell you a story. There was a painting for sale in NYC, a very valuable painting worth millions with an impeccable record of ownership throughout the years. Trouble was the painting was stolen by the NAZIs in Paris during WWII and this Jewish family had proof of ownership through an old family photograph. The International Court ruled original ownership trumped all, and the painting was returned to the original owners: ‘Adverse possession**;’ look it up.”
Code Enforcement Officer: “Nothing has changed. At the offset, His Majesty stated that nothing is ever decided within these walls, and we aim to keep it that way. We’re both very sorry we can’t help you; our hands are tied. You must find a lawyer and pay thousands of dollars to get scr**ed by the courts. Good day to you both.”
Mayor: “That went well. Thank you for giving us the opportunity to be good do-nothing bureaucrats. Remember our motto, ‘Don’t Make Waves.’”
Man: “Well, all I can say is it’s been a real-to-life ‘Kafka Experience***;’ thanks for nothing.”
As the actors leave the stage the curtain lowers.
FINI
A little boy raises his hand.
Professor Wert: “Yes, Timmy?”
Timmy: “If the rule is only one building per lot, how come the mayor doesn’t care?”
Professor Wert: “Well, according to him it wasn’t his job. Yes, Nancy?”
Nancy: “The mayor reminds me of Pontius Pilot, washing his hands, passing the buck, not doing his job.”
Professor Wert: “Not making waves?”
Nancy: ‘That’s right: cowards, little people strutting their fake importance, big fish in a little pond.”
Professor Wert: “You’ll find such people all over, little fish in a big ocean afraid of, well, afraid of life, I suppose. Goodnight.”
[*nothing: This is a true story.]
[**Adverse possession: The second house does not have legal title to the land because it is an illegal building,]
[***Kafka experience: When people who are in authority do nothing as they pat themselves on the back for their ability to do nothing.]
“God Bless the USA” (3:09)