by Roving Reporter, ©2023
(Nov. 9, 2023) — “Mercedes Benz” (1:09)
“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to ‘The Pulse of the Nation,’ the place to hear it here first. The last we saw of Henry, he was heading east on a US Navy destroyer and was assigned to work with the navigator. Let’s listen in.”
“How much shipboard experience have you had?”
“I rode in a canoe once and of course spent some time in fishing boats, catching flies after the boats came in.”
“Then let me tell you a few of our rules, rules set in stone.”
“You mean like the ‘Ten Commandments?’”
“Exactly. We have two main drills. Number One is Battle Stations, called ‘General Quarters,’ while the second is ‘Man Overboard.’ We have other drills such as ‘Fire!,’ ‘mail call,’ and ‘liberty.’ You’re in luck because this is where you’re supposed to be during drills one and two.”
“That’s nice.”
“Now listen carefully. Facing the front of the ship, your left is called ‘port.’ The word ‘port’ has four letters, as do the words ‘down,’ ‘back,’ and ‘rear.’ Got it? Whenever you need to go down and/or back, you can only do so on the port side of the ship; got it?”
“I think so. So, if I’m on the fantail and GQ sounds, I go up and forward on the starboard, or right side of the ship, to get to where we are now.”
“That’s it. Now you’re almost a sailor. I’ve seen you on television. At first, they made a big deal out of a frog that talks, but after they realized you had a brain and were therefore a MAGA supporter they kind-of lost interest in you.”
“Dropped me like a hot potato. Any Dems on this ship?”
“No Dems, no Obots, no women, and nobody got the ‘Clot Shot.’”
“You must have some captain.”
“That he is, a Mustang, worked his way up from Seaman recruit. Knows the ropes. If he sends a landing party in, he’s getting that landing party out. Our sentries’ weapons are loaded, round-chambered, none of this ‘political correctness’ nonsense on this ship.”
“Glad to hear it.”
Heard over the 1MC, ‘Henry, report to the captain’s cabin.’”
We’ll take a short commercial break and when we come back we’ll find out what the captain wants with Henry.
“I Did It My Way” (3:46) (the line, ‘Regrets, I’ve had a few’ reminds me when I called my wife and had a choice between saying, ‘I love you’ or ‘You’re divorced.’ I went with the divorce line because I was fearful that she’d tell me to take a hike. I should have known I had nothing to lose. I had a Wonderful Life [‘Buffalo Gals’ (0:28)]. Live and learn, right?]
“You wanted to see me, sir?”
“I’ve been reading your file.”
“I have a file?”
“Everybody has a file. It may please you to know you’re on Trump’s [‘Trump Won’ (3:30)] fast-track list as his next Secretary of Defense. It also says here that you’re a secret agent. Is that true you’re a secret agent?”
“I guess I’m not such a secret.”
“But you are, and, if these reports are just halfway true, you may be exactly what I could use. This is the problem: when Trump [’81 Million Votes, My **’ (3:13)] was in the White House, China bought 100,000 barrels of oil a month from Iran, but since Biden that number has increased to 3,000,000 barrels a month. We must do something, and I believe you can help.”
“A good friend of mine said to never volunteer, sir.”
“And he was right, so I’m going to order you to volunteer.”
“Aye-aye, sir.”
“Good; I had a feeling you would, but before I give you your assignment, I’d like to ask you a question about S2, Ep. 1. What happened to S1, Ep. 5?”
“Good question with an easy answer. You see, we frogs don’t count revolutions around the sun as you do, so consequently our calendars don’t coincide. We change our ‘S’s’ on whims.”
“Whims? What’s a whim?”
“It’s one of our topics of debate. You ever hear frogs croaking at night? Your city-bred frog behaviorists report that we’re vocalizing mating calls; not so. What we’re doing is discussing all sorts of things, including when to change our ‘S’s.’”
“Understood, and I thank you for a concise and easily understood answer. Now, I want you to go to Iran and tell them their days are numbered. After that, go to China and tell them to leave that little island off their coast alone and for good. Tell them to ‘suck it up’; you got that?”
“Perfectly.”
“Good. Now off you go.”
“Thank you for the sailor outfit and that Dixie-cup hat that can turn into a boat.”
“You’re more than welcome. Good luck.”
“And off goes Henry, off to save the world, or at least he’ll try and do the best he can which, when it comes right down to it, is all that any of us can do. And how about that oil to China? Trump did a lot more keeping the world safe than we knew about and the first thing Biden did is reverse all the gains that Trump accomplished. Now, I ask you, how dumb is that?
“And what about those women voters in Ohio, voting for rape trees, human trafficking – missing children — and Fentanyl deaths? What in the heck is wrong with anyone who would vote for a Dem? Really, if anyone out there knows the answer, please write in the comments. Mika of ‘Morning Joe’ said that Biden ‘has a long list of accomplishments.’ Name one. Go ahead; name one so-called ‘accomplishment’ that Biden has ever done in his whole life. Just one.
“The world is becoming unglued and there’s no need to wonder why for one New York minute, is there? Look at California with Newsom; Michigan with Whitmer and Dana Nessel; New York with just about everyone. Kill the baby at birth but send your kids to die in Ukraine.
“And that’ll do it for this episode of ‘Pulse,’ the most popular information show in its time slot. Hope Henry stays safe. Goodnight.”