by Cauf Skiviers, Cultural Inappropriation, ©2023
(Jul. 25, 2023) — Joe Robinette Biden woke up from a coma in 2020, unsurprised by the news that he had been elected president. He pointed to the “huge concentration of useful innocents per square mile, in this country of continental dimensions” as the reason for his apparent apathy.
He was a symbol of the America of his pre-mummification days, balancing on a tightrope between the tasteless, odorless, and immoral. Until Trump came along. Which was when it became necessary to recontextualise democracy. And the media was at his disposal.
Fast-forward to now and the news cycle in America looks like “Trump supporter cuts the line in Des Moines” or “In Fort Lauderdale, MAGA Republican rings the doorbell and runs away.” Citizen Biden read the headlines and wondered if politics was making people do the craziest things. Or was it just the press playing us against each other?
Citizen Biden goes out to get ice cream. On the way, he stops to talk to a Starbucks barista who spits in customers’ coffee, depending on their political preferences. “I’m doing my part,” says the activist.
He regrets nothing. After maturing the idea for years on end, grappling with agonising philosophical questions, and emerging victorious from a deep existential crisis, Citizen Biden came to terms with the fact that he had been living off theft and small scams since his heydays… Now little Rasputin wanted to be emperor.
In a spectacular sequence of collective Freudian slips, Citizen Biden was elected president. Biden’s election was due to a major innovation: involuntary voting — when there is no intention of electing someone. “I voted for Biden, but it wasn’t me!” was the most popular excuse among his ‘voters.’
It is true, there were those who voted for Biden aiming at Trump, but ended up hitting the American people. Marcus Aurelius himself would agree that the final form of Stoicism should be something like voting for Biden and still believing in having some vestige of critical sense.
But let’s ‘respect’ the ‘result’ of the ballots. “Ballot harvesting is a victimless crime and voter impersonation is a perpetratorless crime, by definition” Citizen Biden recalls from his time at Law School. “Once the Associated Press declares that the results were clean, the election laundering process was a success. That’s it.” He stops for a second to ponder if the fact Vladimir Putin also persecutes and silences anyone who raises doubts about the fairness of the election process is just a coincidence.
But Citizen Biden has a great appreciation for the aesthetics of democracy. And he knows that his manifest destiny is to establish democracy in a country where even the Constitution is unconstitutional. “If we remove the errors and omissions, there’s nothing left!” Citizen Biden declares, astounded upon reading the Constitution for the first time.
Afflicted by the vanity without pride typical of a devoid Catholic, he rehearsed in front of the mirror his inaugural speech: “unlike how it was before, we will make everything go back to being as it used to be.” Imagining the envious glances of Hilary Clinton. As a Democrat, you either have a memory or you have decency. Both together, no.
Bu he was the chosen one. The one to finally lead the transition from the Anarchy of Hate to the Tyranny of Love — more than America’s, this was his own transition from pure psychopathy to accidental statesmanship. His leadership is the vacuum that fills the abyss. And his temperance, as solid as a bar of soap after a few seasons in the sink corner. He projects an America that is dandy on the outside, but leprous on the inside.
Dr. Biden, his wife, arrived home, turned on CNN, and turned off her brain. CNN gives Dr. Biden that air of intellectualism that only TV can provide. Citing irreconcilable differences, Dr. Biden divorced reality long ago but remained faithful to Citizen Biden. She believes malarkey gains in elegance when she gets involved.
Once again, she reminds Citizen Biden that aside from the monopoly of violence, everything a President does is sign some papers. And that the cost of freedom is eternal vigilance — the eternal vigilance of the FBI. “You can’t make scrambled eggs without scrambling a few eggs,” agrees Citizen Biden.
Thinking it was just essence of plums, Dr. Biden uses the last drop of decency that — for some reason — Citizen Biden kept in the cupboard, to make his pudding.
“There was an old janitor who was responsible for putting barbiturates in the DNC building’s water fountains. After he died in 2013, this mess started.” Citizen Biden thinks with remorse. “Truth be told, the Democrats never overestimated the American people. Only undersold them.” He concludes.
But what did the Democratic Party expect of whoever defeated Trump? “Revenge, intransigence, lack of decorum, and regrettable scenes,” thinks Citizen Biden. He was the herald of the new, ‘democratic’ American left: a champion of censorship, lawfare, the FBI, and the IRS.
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