Pandemic

by Tom McCaffrey, ©2022

(Mar. 7, 2022) — The pandemic rages on. The science tells us it is a disease of the mind. It mainly affects persons who have managed to go through life without ever learning to think rationally. Its primary symptom is an overwhelming desire to help the oppressed. Those infected believe that this desire is the essence, the sine qua non, of moral worth. They view anyone who does not share this belief as the embodiment of evil.

Beyond the question of caring for others, the infected show an admirable degree of tolerance for the failings of their fellow man. They are laudably forgiving of vagrancy, drug abuse, sexual license of every variety, petty crime, not-so-petty crime (shoplifting up to the house limit of $950 in California), and arson and vandalism (when done for a good cause). Anyone who does not share their tolerance for such indiscretions they view as the embodiment of evil.

Those infected typically experience an irresistible desire to tell others what to do. A British doctor has diagnosed the mindset of the infected thus: because what’s good for society as a whole is the standard of right and wrong, rather than what’s good for each individual, government experts acting on behalf of society are best qualified to determine how each person ought to live his life.

Along these same lines, a team of scientists in California discovered during the recent coronavirus epidemic that persons infected by what has been dubbed the “submissive” strain of the mental disorder actively welcomed being ordered to stay indoors, wear a mask, get vaccinated, and refrain from earning a living. Those who did not actively welcome such impositions they viewed as the embodiment of evil.

Another distinctive symptom of the disease is an aversion to certain sounds. One of the sounds the afflicted are especially sensitive to is the sound of someone’s disagreeing with them. One epidemiologist attributes this to the belief, also a symptom of the disease, that genuine truth is unknowable, that the sort of approximate, provisional truths that most of us supposedly live by are all relative, and that in order for society to function, someone in charge must simply pick a line of thought, declare it true, and annihilate anyone who disputes it.  

One of the more bizarre symptoms of the disease is an inability to tell male from female. In one extreme case involving the coaches and administrators of Ivy League swimming, the infected were unable to tell up from down, right from left, or a cabbage from a Cadillac El Dorado.

White persons afflicted by the disease show a marked tendency to want to kneel down, apologize, and beg forgiveness–because blacks are disproportionately poor, under-educated, and inclined to criminality. Anyone who disputes the logic here, such as it is, is liable to be fired from his job, ostracized from society, and reduced to living in a shack by the tracks.

Another symptom of the disease is a belief that, because some people have used guns to shoot other people, no one should have no right to own a gun.  In the 1960s an earlier generation of the infected succeeded in enacting a raft of soft-on-crime policies, such as letting criminals off on technicalities. The predictable consequence was a rise in crime, much of it involving guns. Rather than defend their soft-on-crime policies–it seems the disease causes a deep aversion to being on the defensive–they went on the attack, blaming guns for the rise in violent crime that their own policies had brought about. And they have been on the attack ever since. And their political opponents have been on the defensive. Because their opponents also suffer from a disease, the primary symptom of which is a craving to be on the defensive, and to give up ground, and more ground. 

Still another symptom is a desire to “save democracy.” Debate rages among the infected as to whether America’s Got Talent or Dancing with the Stars provides the better model of how elections ought to be conducted. When asked about the danger that online voting might enable individuals to cast multiple ballots, a White House spokesman replied, “There’s no such thing as too much democracy.” 

Scientists have discovered a definitive means of detecting the presence of active infection: whether a person takes the once-mainstream media seriously. Long after it became clear to anyone with a brain that the mask phenomenon was a charade, the infected, ever in thrall to media-induced panic, continued to don their masks and vilify anyone who did not. Those same persons recently applauded President Biden’s decision to extend the coronavirus state of emergency, which the President prudently made in case an actual emergency should occur at some time in the future.

Researchers have discovered places where natural immunity predominates. Flyover country is one such place.  Scientists theorize that employment in a field that keeps one in touch with reality, such as farming or truck driving, seems to afford a degree of immunity. An especially potent form of immunity has been discovered among refugees from Communist tyrannies, such as the Cuban community in Miami. Been there, done that.

Natural immunity has also been detected in an unexpected quarter. Because this is a disease of the mind, it turns out that one must have a mind in order to contract it. Thus, several prominent members of the Democratic Party, who were once thought to suffer from an acute form of the disease, are now known to be disease free.

Scientists have recently identified a strain of the disease whose existence was long suspected but has only now been confirmed. They have dubbed it “moderate R.” The primary symptom of this strain is an uncontrollable desire to “end the gridlock, cross the aisle, and meet the Democrats halfway.” Though not fatal in and of itself, this strain of the disease tends to act in concert with the more virulent strains to hasten the death of free institutions. (Some researchers theorize that the majority of the Republicans in Congress are infected with this strain.)

When asked to comment on the current state of the pandemic, Dr. Anthony Fauci, to the astonishment of the known universe, was at a loss for words.

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Tom McCaffrey is the author of Radical by Nature: The Green Assault on Liberty, Property, and Prosperity.