From: Chris Cirino
Date: March 1, 2022 at 3:13:31 PM EST
To: dean.baquet@nytimes.com
Cc: agsulzberger@nytimes.com, joekahn@nytimes.com, clevy@nytimes.com, katie.kingsbury@nytimes.com, charlotte.greensit@nytimes.com, editorial@nytimes.com
Subject: Joey Biden or Darth Vader?
Good day Deano,
I hope today finds you well at the desk as the Executive Editor of the esteemed New York Times. I am glad that we have been able to speak so often about the major accomplishments of the Harris-Biden administration. I think the American people need to hear the truth, and nobody exudes the truth like the iconic New York Times. I know Deano, I know, it’s a constant battle with the radical right with their annoying factual information. Let’s focus on the positives Deano; that shouldn’t take too long. Then we can examine all the rest.
A couple of Highlights First
Well, during all these great milestones, there is the noise from Conservatives about inconsequential matters like:
-rampant inflation
-anarchy at the Southern border (whether by incompetence or complicity….apparently it’s the latter)
-our leaders and country considered a laughingstock on the world stage by allies and enemies alike. Conservatives are not sure what China is considered now under Joey Talibiden, aka, the big guy.
-silence on the out of control violence (mainly in Democratic cities, see statistics in NYC, Philadelphia, Chicago, Portland, Los Angles…….etc, etc, etc.)
-ridiculous mask mandates, more on that later.
-financing madman Putin’s war and genocide by purchasing 600,000 barrels of oil daily from Russia.
-energy independence versus energy dependence, hence $4-$5 gas, home heating fuel up 90%, etc. Not easy to do in 14 months, oh that Joey.
Best Person For The Job
Well, I could go on and on with these trivial details from these right wing lunatics, but let’s focus on little Joey’s nominee for the Supreme Court. From the get go, Brandon said he would nominate a woman of color. Well it is long overdue, and it took a man with such high moral character, to get it done. Some may say, this in itself is a racist comment. I mean, basing a nomination strictly on gender and race……..some may say that. I mean, other than the installation of Vice President Heels Up Harris, when has that happened before?
These right wingers again, bring up some minor details, in regards to this nomination. You see Deano, it seems there was a woman of color who once was up for nomination for a spot on the highest court. I know Deano, I know, I was as shocked as you were. You must be shocked, because I saw no mention of this in your unbiased, apolitical tabloid. It seems that George Bush nominated Justice Janice Brown in 2003 for appointment to the highest court. You’re not going to believe what I’m going to say next Deano, so hold on. One of those who stood directly in her path was none other than Joey Bidenflation. It seems that Joey used the FILIBUSTER to deny her nomination (the same filibuster he railed against during the Build Back Better debacle). Ah, what a difference a few years can make, eh Deano. To make matters worse, she was again up for nomination in 2005, and your not going to believe this one…………..Joey voted NO again! Next thing the radical right will be saying is, Brandon said, “he doesn’t want his kids to grow up in a racial jungle,”………oh wait a minute. President Trump is a racist.
I remember hearing a speech a long time ago by a very influential person in our country’s history. It went sort of like this, “I dream of the day when a person will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character.” What a unique concept, Deano. So, I take it that Joey disagrees with this statement by Dr. Martin Luthur King Jr; seeing as Joey first and foremost deciding factor, is making his recommendation was not on content of character but in fact, on gender and skin color. I don’t know Deano, I always thought it was President Trump that was the racist? It is all so confusing, you know champ?
Where is Covid?
Well, it looks like the war against Covid has been won. Just like the installed POTUS promised, when he was campaigning from his basement. Remember Deano, “I will shut down the virus, not the economy.” Sure enough, over 450,000 deaths later (more than elected President Trump), and 14 months later, here we are. A few side notes here, that are almost forgotten Deano, Pfizer announced just days after the 2020 election results that they had approval on a shot to combat the deadly virus. I mean what awful timing for elected President Trump…..purely coincidence, I’m sure. It was sort of like AG Billy Barr, not releasing Hunter Biden’s (famous artist) incriminating laptop evidence. He even said, “he didn’t want to influence the election, just bless Billy’s heart. Even Twitter boss, Jackie Dorsey banned a story implicating Joey’s little guy, as to not influence the election. See Deano, just like you guys at Pravda, I mean the Times, you all did your part to keep the election fair and square.
But I digress: Where are the mandates, mask requirements and such? Has everyone taken leave of their senses and abandoned science? What has happened to the ubiquitous presence of the honorable Dr. Fraudci? Where is the CDC? Where is Randi Weingarten speaking on behalf of the teachers union? Are we giving in to the domestic terrorists (parents evidently). For gosh sakes, deep blue states are doing away with these ridiculous, I mean absolutely necessary practices, all within days of each other. Are we supposed to sacrifice our Kindergartner’s safety by letting them roam around maskless? Well Deano, Conservatives say the only thing that has beaten this virus, are the horrible POLLS. Senator Cruz is referring to it as, “the miracle of the SOTU address.”
Darth Vader
Well it remains to be seen as to how Houseplant-in-Chief is going to handle the no mask rule at his address to the nation. Many are very curious as Joey usually takes these safety measures very, very seriously……..unless, dining out with “Dr.” Jill or shopping in Nantucket, then all bets are off. Conservatives point out that fact, saying, that when Joey Obiden got back from his recent weekend jaunt to Delaware (while madman Putin was slaughtering Ukraine civilians) he seemed to be wearing a small hefty bag on his face, with of course his trademark aviator sunglasses. They say his mask went from his Adam’s apple to under his sunglasses. It was almost like he was wearing a disguise. Someone said he resembled Darth Vader, while pointing out his shield is impenetrable by the virus or more importantly, reporters questions. Several questions were lobbed at Joey, regarding the Russia-Ukraine crisis, but alas to no avail. On a positive note, he found the door to the White House, which is always a 50/50 shot at best. Kudos Joey, on a job well done.
State of the Union Address
I just can’t wait for Brandon to knock it out of the park with his SOTU address. They may have to extend it a bit Deano, just so Joey can list all that he has accomplished in his first year. I mean, from him crawling up airliner steps as a newbie to being on the verge of a possible world war. All accomplished in his first year. I ask, what can’t this human dynamo get done in his 2 hour work days and 4 day work weeks? Of course inflation is to be blamed on Putin, previously blamed on supply chain, which was blamed on Covid; but obviously not by Joey’s sabotaging his own country, by his attack on fossil fuels to appease his far left contingent, no, not that at all. Maybe Joey can lead by example and take an electric plane to Delaware for his next long weekend, which should be in about 3 days.
Topics Joey Needs to Address
I can’t wait to hear his plans to attack the Southern border abomination. Or his ideas to combat the out of control violent crime in our cities. Or curbing the ever increasing, rampant inflation. Or how we can stymie Putin, by opening up the Keystone pipeline, and letting us drill on government property again. You know, so we can become energy independent again, and not enrich a madman dictator claiming sovereign land and killing innocent people. You know Deano, stuff like that. I’m sure these are at the top of his list of things to address.
I’m pretty sure though we might hear about his nomination for the Supreme Court. His scaled down Build Back Better Progressive wish list. Him beating Covid, with no mention of the almost half a million people who have died on his watch (no word if Joey will be wearing his garbage bag and aviators). His decisive sanctions on Putin, keeping the dictator in check……..not so much at the moment. Word is, he wanted General Milley to take this on, but he has been in constant contact giving China our missile silo locations. One question raised was if Chardonnay Pelosi will be ripping up his speech at the end, which all depends what time happy hour ends. I’m sure Jenny Goebbels Psaki will need a good night’s sleep for tomorrow. It seems she has to prepare her responses, “the installed POTUS misspoke” or “what the installed POTUS meant to say was.” I’m sure it will be a long day for Peppermint Patty tomorrow.
The Honest Review By The Times
Yes Deano, I can’t wait to get your objective, apolitical view on little Joey’s report to the American people. What do you think he’ll address first: the out of control illegal alien and drug infestation at the Southern border or rampant violent crime infecting our cities. I’m going to go out on a limb here Deano, I think it will be about him leading the charge against Putin, followed closely by his (almost) landmark nomination to the Supreme Court……just a hunch. Whatever it is, I know you will be fair and honest, in your coverage, due to you and your tabloid’s journalistic integrity. What a fine example you are for the youth of America. You should be very proud.
Sincerely,
Chris Cirino