Screenshot: ABC News

From: Chris Cirino
Date: February 27, 2022 at 2:25:11 PM EST
To: dean.baquet@nytimes.com
Cc: agsulzberger@nytimes.com, joekahn@nytimes.com, clevy@nytimes.com, katie.kingsbury@nytimes.com, cnn.tips@protonmail.com
Subject: Joey: Master Strategist or Incompetent Buffoon

Good day Deano:

I hope today finds you well over at your desk as Executive Editor of the esteemed NY Times. There certainly is a lot in the news these days, huh sport?  There seems to be quite the contrast in the news coverage though, even more than usual.  We have, of course the fair, and always unbiased and objective reporting of your NY Times, as well as such trusted news agencies like CNN, MSNBC, WAPO, and the like; and then we have all those radical right wing outlets with their pesky factual information.  Let’s take a look at each their contrasting styles, shall we Deano.

Objective Reporting of The Old Gray Lady

It seems this Russian invasion of the Ukraine has taken you guys at The Times, away from your primary news issues, namely: the 5 year investigation of elected President and his family’s business dealings, and of course the INSURRECTION!  

Priorities!

It seems two prosecuting attorneys have resigned from the case, against elected  President Trump.  Manhattan District Attorney Alvin Bragg was quoted saying, “he has doubts about moving forward with this case.”  What a quitter, eh Deano.  Just because New York’s crime rate has risen exponentially, this shouldn’t draw resources from the never ending Trump investigation; I mean at least until November 2024.  So, a few more people get flung in front of subway trains, slashed, murdered or just recently, a woman bashed in the head repeatedly with a hammer, and robbed.  Come on  AG Letitia James, and Alvin, get your priorities straight: focus on Trump business dealings, it’s only been 5 years!  Forget about your no bail policies and relaxing of arresting offenses.  The right infers that these asinine, moronic revolving door policies, just embolden criminals more and more, and we are seeing the results of said policies.  Thank goodness, the Times doesn’t agree with these radical views Deano. President Trump is a racist!

Also, Deano your INSURRECTION coverage has dropped off dramatically.  No, no not the obvious one that occurred on November 3, 2020.  The one that was a group effort, by some overzealous protesters and assisted by what some say, was part of our own governmental agencies.  Can this be true Deano?  It seems the honorable House Speaker, Chardonnay Pelosi does not want to release all video of that fateful day. Why in heaven’s name not, Deano?  Or what has happened to FBI stooge Ray Epps, who was seen moving barriers and urging others to push on and storm the Capitol?  I mean people have been held in custody for over a year now.  Miraculously though, Ray Epps has not been brought to justice, and remains free…..shocking, don’t ya think?    The right screams of conspiracy and coverup!  I’m glad you take the high road Deano, these issues never make it into print over there at the always unbiased NY Times.  Stick to your Trump, white supremacist narrative, just exclude those other minor facts, very professional.

Joey: Master Strategist or Incompetent Buffoon

This is where the news coverage really gets differentiated Deano.  I agree with all these liberal news outlets, as well as noted politicians:  that Joey’s handling of the Russian-Ukraine crisis has been brilliant so far.  Some are even saying it has eclipsed the marvelous work that he did with the Afghanistan withdrawal, if that is even possible?  I mean threatening sanctions for weeks on end to deter Putin and make him think twice about invading the Ukraine.  Well, that sure worked……….wait a minute, just wait a minute, aah, President Trump is a racist!

Just last week Nancy Pelosi and Adam Schiff (impeachment expert) were complimenting the sheer genius of the installed POTUS and his sanctions approach, evidently this was after an extended happy hour.  All Climate Czar John Kerry could say was,  “I hope Putin is focusing on climate change during the invasion.” Of course he is, Johnny, that is his top priority.  It’s amazing this fella was never elected President.  Even those lovely even keeled women on The View (in between bashing President Trump), were singing their praises for Joey Talibiden.  They tried to reach out to Barry Soetoro/Barack Hussein for comment, but he was busy at one of his seaside estates with remodeling projects, not sure if it was $12,000,000 Martha’s Vineyard or his (price yet to be determined) Hawaiian mansion.  I’m almost positive it wasn’t at his $9,000,000 Washington estate.  Not bad for a community organizer, huh Deano?

Well the radical right was having none of this.  Saying, those token sanctions did absolutely nothing to deter Putin in the least.  Besides, we are in fact actually funding this madman and genocide with U.S. dollars, yep Deano: importing 600,000 barrels of oil DAILY from Mr. Putin.  Not sure if Hunter (famous artist) or the big guy (Brandon) are getting the usual 10%.  I think someone mentioned this to Obiden: that this is the result of his no drilling on government property, and of course the stopping of the Keystone pipeline (on Joey’s very first day, mind you).  Well, when asked to comment little Joey said something like , “what a stupid question, those stupid sons of b*****s!  Then reportedly, he took out the 14 car caravan for a waffle cone.  When then asked about the carbon footprint, he said, “what a stupid……………..” Well, you get the idea Deano.

Brandon Sets Them Straight.

He sat down for a couple of his presser’s recently, to set the record straight.  I believe, it was Peter Doocy who asked him, “if he underestimated Putin.”  Well, what was Joey’s, aka, Neville Chamberlain’s response?  Well Deano, there wasn’t any: he just smiled and stared straight ahead blankly and then to really get his point across, he started picking his teeth.  If that doesn’t portray strength and leadership skills, I don’t know what does. Word is when they used to ask Winston Churchill questions in regards to Hitler, he would break out some dental floss and just lean back and go to town. So, Brandon is in good company.

Let’s Try it Again

At the next presser, Joey Bidenflation came prepared.  Peter Doocy, this time asked, if he still thought his sanctions were a deterrent” (this after the invasion commenced), and then, “ if he thought the sanctions, matched up to the guns and missiles of Putin’s?”  Well, NOW Joey said, “sanctions were never to be used as a deterrent.” Just hold on a minute Deano, they have Brandon on tape saying exactly that,  the aforementioned politicians saying it, Jen Goebbels Psaki saying it, and even the problem solver Heels up Harris saying it.  So, what gives, it’s not like Joey to lie!  Then, his concise answer to the second question was a resounding, YES!  Case closed, nothing to worry about then (except Putin announced today he is putting his NUCLEAR armament on high alert).  So, that’s a wrap, time to warm up the motorcade, Joey sure earned his waffle cone this time.  By the way, Little Red Lying Hood Psaki cleared things up the next day saying, “the installed POTUS misspoke.”  See Deano, it’s all good.

SOTU Address

I am sure all of this progress will be made crystal clear during the SOTU address this Tuesday.  I, like you Deano, have all the faith in the world in this installed administration. Just look at all they have accomplished in just 13 months, just incredible.  So, now we just have to get little Joey prepped for the big speech.  Conservative’s suspect that they usually like to have him get about 18 hours sleep, then use hyperbaric oxygen therapy, and then to try and time the administration of adderall just right for maximum effect, for lucidity.  

Italy Saved

On a serious note Deano, with all the turmoil, death and destruction going on around us, I would like to take a moment and point out even more devastating news.  It seems the warm and fuzzy Joy Behar, the lovely co-host of The View has to cancel her vacation plans to Italy due to the Russian-Ukraine conflict. Oh the humanity! Please keep her in your prayers.  The sacrifices this gem of a woman has had to make are endless.  Word on the street is Putin’s palace is being besieged………..with gifts from all parts of Italy for keeping Joy out. Putin is reportedly buried in salami and provolone. They say the only one happier is apparently, Mr. Behar.

That’s a Wrap

Well, that is it for today Deano old sport.  You just keep on doing what you do: provide accurate, unbiased, objective, apolitical, honest reporting.  We are counting on you at the helm over there at The Old Gray Lady, to uphold that journalistic integrity.  How those propaganda machines on the right live with themselves is beyond me……factual information be damned I say.  Rumor is you may be leaving your post in April.  Please, just make sure someone like you with such high moral standards takes over.  You owe it to the readers of Pravda, sorry, I mean The NY Times.

Lastly, does Joey have any more sanctions in mind with Vlad’s hand on the nukes? Maybe, no more waffle cones or propeller hats shipped, that will show him.  If not that, then no more discounts on Hunter’s (famous artist) work.  From now on he pays full price, $500,000……….just make sure the money is sent anonymously!

Sincerely,
Chris Cirino

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Chris Cirino is a retired New York City fireman; before that he worked for the IBEW Local #25.  He now communicates with liberal news outlets to address their biased, hypocritical, double standard technique of reporting using satire. 

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  1. Factually speaking, this is an excellent piece of satire worthy of “The Babylon Bee”. Great stuff!
    Let’s Go Brandon!
    STAY WELL, SAFE, FREE & BRAVE!