“IN TERRIBLE TROUBLE”
by OPOVV, ©2020
(Jul. 19, 2020) — “Too-Ra-Loo-Ra–Loo-Ral” (3:19)
“An where you be off to on this fine mornin’, Sean?”
“I’d be topplin’ statues with Mary Beth, that’s what.”
“Topplin’ statues, say ye? Now that be one strange way a courtin’, I’d be sayin’, beggin’ your pardon.”
“Aye, an I be agreein’, but that’s what she wants to do, and she said she made up her mind, an’ once she gets a thought, well, you be knowin’ how it is.”
“Aye, but I got religion an’ gave up — gave up the ghost, I did, and mighty proud of it, I’ll be rememberin’. I’d be courtin’ Mary Beth’s sister going on three years, ‘fore I realized that I didn’t be wantin’ a thousand-person church weddin’; why, there be not half that number here in the whole glen.”
“Where do the womenfolk be gettin’ those hifalutin’ ideas in the first place, I be wonderin’. You know she toppled an animal statue just the other day? One with antlers, I think.”
“Antlers, you be sayin’? Why?”
“Search me. I asked her; I said, ‘Mary Beth, animals aren’t political, so why be tearing down a statue of an antler animal?’ An’ she looked at me as if I was from the planet Mars; as if I wasn’t from around here; as if I were a total stranger from across the sea.”
“Well, out with it, lad; what did she say?”
“She be sayin’ that it was the idea of a statue in the first place that was offensive.”
“The ‘idea’ of a statue is offensive to her, that’s what she be sayin’? What in tarnation is that supposed to be meanin’; did she tell you that?”
“Nay; she just be lookin’ at me as if I lost my mind. She said, ‘Sean Mac, if I have to be ‘plainin’ things to you, maybe there’ll be no weddin’ day.’ And then she patted my hand an’ went inside.”
“I think we be havin’ what is called ‘the perplexities of womanhood conversation.’ Yes, the more I think of it, the more I’m convinced: you’re in terrible trouble, Sean. Get out while the gettin’-out is good because, if you don’t, you’d be lost forever; you’d be sellin’ your very soul to the devil. Hail Mary.”
“’To the Devil,’ you be sayin’? Let me ask you this: can she be brought back to reality; can she be saved from the other side; is there hope, a light at the end of the tunnel?”
“In a word: no, she can’t be saved because her hands have toppled and once toppled can never be un-toppled. They say men talking about the ways of women is a waste of time, but maybe this time, if we can be savin’ you from destruction; well, what you be thinkin’ about it?”
“I be thinkin’ of savin’ myself. I’ll go up to her an’ say, ‘Mary Beth, I love you more than I can say, an’ God knows it be true, but I can’t be a-courtin’ no statue-toppler, an’ that’s the truth.’ What do you think of that?”
“Here be sayin’ what I be thinkin’: if you can withstand her hold, all the power to you, for sure. Just walk away and be done with her, as I did her sister. Aye, I still love her with all of my heart, but at least I saved my soul. I’ll be wishin’ you luck, that be for sure.”
“An’ I be takin’ it. I be thankin’ you for this conversation in the ways of womanhood, at least Mary Beth’s kind. Top of the mornin’ to you.”
“And the same to you.”
FINI
“Where the River Shannon Flows” (3:08)