by OPOVV, ©2020

The Battle of Guilford Court House, H. Charles McBarron, Wikimedia Commons, public domain

(Apr. 22, 2020) — “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to ‘The Pulse of the Nation,’ the place to hear it here first. As you can see, we’re back on our corner, under the awning, across the street from the train station about to do a street interview with this young lady. Excuse me, Miss, care to be interviewed on live TV? I’m Roving, for ‘Pulse,’ the award-winning program that’s so popular.”

“If you’re so popular how come I’ve never heard of you? What station are you on, anyway?”

“What do you say we dispense with the constructive criticism and answer this question: why do you carry a gun?”

“How do you know I have a gun? You have x-ray vision?

“It was a leading question, and before you say anything, it’s allowed in the real world, maybe not on some courtroom drama on television shows, but here on the street it is. So you do have a gun: why?”

“Why do I have a gun? What are you, stupid or just plain stupid? I have a gun to protect myself from people who would wish me harm; is that good enough for you?”

“It is. Next question: what specific group are you protecting yourself from?”

“Oh, that’s funny. What are you saying, that the muggers have become unionized and have a shop steward, business agent and pay dues? Maybe a separate union for rapists and murderers; how would you like that? And what political party would they represent, do you think? Time’s up: the political party that doesn’t teach the inner-city kids how to read, speak or do sums, that’s who.”

“Would you care to be a tad more specific? Do you, like, hunt?”

“With a .38 revolver? Are you kidding? No, I don’t hunt and have no desire to hunt. I have a gun to protect myself from an overzealous government, that’s why, and that’s the only reason. The added benefit is that it’s an equalizer so if some mean uneducated lowlife comes into my safety zone they won’t they be in for a big surprise.”

“None of this, ‘Stop or I’ll shoot’?”

“Are you kidding? You’ve been watching way too many cop and cowboy movies, haven’t you? No, if I pull it and aim it, I’ll be pulling the trigger, unless.”


“Yes; unless.”

“Well, you’ve been a wonderful guest and, besides, it’s time for a commercial break.”

Knee Deep in the Blues” (2:12)

“And we’re back with Fred, a groundskeeper for the city. Tell us, Fred, how can you possibly keep busy these days?”

“Are you kidding? Think about it: you have your baseball fields, skateboard parks, soccer fields, tennis courts, plus all the miles of walking trails.”

“So? How does that make you busy?”

“Why, we have to control people, that’s why. So here’s what we do: we spread sand around so they can’t use the fields, courts and paths.”

National Park Service

“Sand? You mean you dump sand on tennis courts so people can’t use them? Why, talk about social distancing, tennis would be about the best.”

“So? No, we place barriers on all the public spaces to let them know that we’re in charge.”

“Let me see if I get this right: the public owns the trails, fields and parks and you work for the public, is that right?”

“No, that’s where you’re wrong, Roving. The government owns the parks and I work for the government, not you or anyone else.”

“But the government works for the people: the government is the people, you and me and everyone else.”

“Where you been, Roving, on Mars? No, used to be that way, but not any more. The government and the people are not the same, not even close. Remember when Obamacare was pushed through? Well, Congress was exempt from it, wasn’t it, because it was such a bad deal.”

“So you don’t work for the people?”

“Are you kidding? I work for the government and if I’m told to dump twenty yards of sand on tennis courts or baseball diamonds, I’m doing it. And another thing: if I see any of you using the paths I’m calling the law down on you; take that to the bank.”

“So, Fred, do you know why I have guns, why I am armed right now?”

“Maybe you want to rob a bank; who knows?”

“No, Fred, I have a gun to protect me from people like you, that’s why.”

“But I’m the government.”


“I’m reporting you.”

“See the girl holding the microphone, that squirrel-looking thing above your head? She’s armed, too.”

“So you people are some kind of terrorist group?”

“No, Fred, we are what you call patriots and it sure as heck looks like the government is getting way out of control and we’re not having it. There’s a lot more of us than you NAZI-Socialist/Communist lowlife’s out there, so go dump your twenty yards of sand on the tennis courts but don’t be surprised what the future may bring. Us gun owners are armed to protect ourselves from the government, and that’s the bottom line.”

“I’m reporting you, Roving and crew.”

“Who you going tell?”

“My boss, the Superintendent of Parks and Recreation, that’s who.”

“And off he goes. Watch a cop be here tomorrow morning; wouldn’t miss it for the world. And so, on behalf of the crew, the armed crew, I’ll be wishing you all a goodnight: Goodnight.

“Another great show. Burgers at my place: my treat.”

Kashmir” (3:40)


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