“TO THE BEST OF OUR ABILITIES”
by OPOVV, ©2020
(Mar. 14, 2020) — ACT I
As the house lights dim, the curtain rises to the song of “Nobody But Me” (2:19) on a stage set as the bow of a US Navy destroyer, with the 5” turret facing the audience. The backdrop is painted as the front of the superstructure of the ship. The sky is light blue with white clouds with the Golden Gate Bridge in the background. There are twelve sailors dressed in whites wearing large white rabbit heads who are in a chorus-line kicking their legs in the air (reminiscent of the Rockettes) to the beat of the music. As the music ends the Captain – wearing an extra-large rabbit head — enters from behind the turret.
“Attention on deck!”
“As you were, men, I mean stop this prancing with legs in the air. Let’s take off our rabbit masks while I talk to you. Usually when a ship enters port we have sailors manning the rails, but the civilians seem to have the impression that’s all we do when we go to sea: just stand at the rails looking at the ocean.
“I’d like to think we do more than gazing at waves, although the ocean is a fine thing to look at. We wouldn’t have a NAVY if it weren’t for the ocean; have any of you ever thought of that? Well, if you ever do you’ll be a Captain someday; I’m sure of it.
“Now I know some of you may wonder why we’re wearing rabbit hats: it’s to confuse the enemy, that’s why. I know at first some of you thought wearing these awkward and heavy rabbit heads was ridiculous, but we always want an edge when we go to war. And that’s all I wanted to say, so I’m going back to my stateroom to think up even more brilliant ideas.”
“Attention on deck! At ease.”
The sailors gather around.
“Well, that explains it.”
“That doesn’t explain diddly squat.”
“Yes, it does: it explains why we go out to sea, steam in circles, and then come back into port. It explains ALL of it, especially wearing dress blues when it’s ninety degrees.”
“You mean our Captain is wacky?”
“Here comes Lt. Franklin. Lt. Franklin, Sir, when we went to sea on Monday and when we got to our designated training area, what did we do?”
“Excuse me while I take my rabbit head off. Why, we did what we always do: start to steam in circles.”
“Lt. Jackson, Seaman Hicks here of Second Division. I was the helmsman then, and didn’t the Captain order us to steer in a counterclockwise heading, and didn’t he order increasingly large circles, so yesterday the radius of our last circle was 100 miles?”
“Yes, that’s right. He’s the Captain; he can do what he wants.”
“But bigger circles?”
“It’s the new Navy; what can I say? Now let’s put or rabbit heads on and look sharp.”
Curtain lowers as the Lieutenant walks toward the bridge and the sailors don their rabbit hats and man the rails as the ship pulls into port.
ACT II
The curtain rises to the tune of “You Didn’t Have to be So Nice” (2:24) with the crew assembled on the bow as the Captain, standing on the 5” turret, addresses the crew.
“You can take off your rabbit disguises now since we’ve reached a safe harbor. Now the fact we wore our rabbit disguises may not prove that they worked, but they certainly didn’t disprove they didn’t work, so let’s be grateful that we may or may not have fooled the enemy, but the fact that we’re here proves we outsmarted our foes.
“Now I want to say a word to you before you leave the safety of the ship and take liberty in such a fine city in such a fine state. You may be asked why you all dressed up as rabbits: just say you were only following orders and let it go at that.
“Now some of you may wonder why we steamed in larger and larger circles and I’ll set your mind at ease by just saying that I’m following in the footsteps of today’s military: larger is better. Why have ten small carriers when for a few dollars more you can have one big one, the biggest ever; why have one airplane that can do the job 100% when you can have ten times that many and do the job 80%; and why not ignore all the mistakes in the past and just steam on blindly ahead? Because that’s the thinking in today’s Navy, that’s why.
“So, off you go and think larger is better and don’t get upset that the temperature is ninety degrees and you’re all in dress blues. Remember, now, bigger is better than small; hotter is better than cold; spending money is better than saving; and showing minorities in 90% of television commercials is a way of introducing Creeping Sharia. They aren’t selling the product that they’re advertising as much as they are getting you used to the change in the power structure, so pay attention. Think NAVY. That is all.”
The curtain lowers as the sailors replace their rabbit heads.
ACT III
The curtain rises to the music of “There’s a Moon Out Tonight” (2:12) with the stage set as the wardroom of the destroyer. The officers are all seated, wearing their rabbit hats, as the Captain enters stage left, wearing his oversized rabbit hat.
“Attention on deck!”
“As you were, men. Let’s remove our disguises and have the department heads give their status, starting with engineering.”
“Yes, Sir, it seems that we should move the rudder once in a while to keep the rudder controls lubed; this turn to port for the last seventy-two hours isn’t the greatest idea to come down the pike, Sir.”
“Did the Apollo crews turn on their way to the moon or, for that matter, on their way back? No, and we won’t, either. Yes, XO*, you have something to say?”
“Yes, Captain, I do. The men find it somewhat perplexing as to why they have to wear the rabbit hats all of the time now. They went along with it arriving in port and going out to sea, but we’re steaming in circles and the nearest land is five hundred miles away.”
“We have to be prepared from submarines, satellites and drones, that’s why. And of course that transcends to even bigger circles, maybe even circumnavigating the globe; now wouldn’t that be something?”
“All the while wearing these rabbit hats, masks, whatever these thing are, Sir?”
“We must maintain our disguise at all times: we mustn’t let our guard down, not for one circle. Now, put your rabbit heads on and let’s show the crew that we’re on top of it.”
The officers stand as the Captain exits stage left.
“XO, what’s your take on it?”
“Well, you can’t deny that we haven’t been sunk, but whether it’s due to these rabbit heads, who’s to say?”
“I guess if any of us disagrees it’s mutiny, isn’t it?”
“Yes, I’m afraid so, so let’s be good little sailors and put these rabbit heads/hats/masks back on and do our jobs to the best of our abilities. That’s all.”
The curtain lowers as “It’s All Over Now (Baby Blue)” (3:46) is played.
FINI
[*XO: Executive Officer, second in command.]
“Tonky Honk” (3:00)
We were warned about the “Military/Industrial Complex”, weren’t we? Well, we were also warned by history about military leaders not keeping up with the latest developments and losing wars.