“YOU’RE GOING TO FIT RIGHT IN”
by OPOVV, ©2020
(Feb. 22, 2020) — “Walkin’ the Dog” (2:38)
“So you’re the new guy?”
“That would be me, Sir: Jones. At least for a couple of days, until I can catch a ride out to the Fleet.”
“Don’t ‘Sir’ me, Jones: just call me ‘Cap.’ ‘Boats’ here will show you where to stow your stuff and then go around and introduce yourself. Usually the mail plane leaves for a Bird Farm* on Friday and if there’s room they’ll stuff you in it.”
“Aye-aye, Sir, I mean Cap.”
“From the Fleet to a River Rat; how in the devil did you end up here?”
“I was volunteered, Boats, is how I got here. Look, you got any ammo for my piece around here?”
“Not for that old thing. Is that what you got in the duffel, ammo?”
“Wouldn’t leave home without it.”
“You got any threads?”
“I stopped by the ship’s store before I came here and they gave me a few things, everything a size too large.”
“So how was it? I mean, I saw the chopper come in and the wounded taken to the hospital.”
“You mean you call that tent a ‘hospital?’”
“Best darn hospital outside of the States, Jones.”
“No disrespect meant. This my locker? I think I’ll just tie ‘Moose’ up here in the corner so it doesn’t fall over; would that be alright?”
“I got no problem with that. So you named it. Out here, when a guy names his piece it means it saved your life, so I guess it saved yours.”
“Naw, not mine as much as some others.”
“I hear you. So, what is ‘Moose?’”
“It’s my best friend, and not once did it ever give me any trouble. You got some stuff so I can give it a good cleaning? It was born somewhere around 1920: doesn’t have a date, just a serial number. Heavy as hell, especially with a full clip.”
“How many rounds does it hold?”
“Thirty-one, including one in the chamber; I can tell how many rounds are left by the weight.”
“So you carried it in the chopper that way? You don’t follow rules? Smart man. Follow me, Jones.”
“Hey, listen up. This here is Jones, who will ride with us for a week or so, as soon as he can hitch a ride out to the Fleet. That piece he carried aboard is a bona fide musket. It’s so old but Jones here named it so lay off it. It’s a 1920 Browning automatic rifle, an authentic Bar with a thirty-round clip.”
“How you doin’, Jones? I’m Short, seeing how I have twenty more days, and then I’m going back to The World. How short are you?”
“Two years and two months.”
“Lucky the VC don’t have submarines.”
“You’re not telling me anything I don’t already know.”
“Heard you had quite a time up in the hills.”
“It would’ve been a lot more enjoyable if people weren’t shooting at us.”
“So what do you think?”
“What do I think? I think that our biggest enemy is Uncle Sam, but who I am to complain?”
“We hear you. You ever been on one of these boats?”
“Never had the pleasure.”
“Jones, you’re going to fit right in, I just know it. They serve beer on your ship?”
“No, no beer.”
“We carry beer, never leave this dock without a case per man; thems the rules.”
“I didn’t bring any, sorry to say.”
“Not your job, besides, it’s already aboard since we knew you were coming; heard this morning.”
“News travels fast. Am I going to have a job on board? I mean, you guys have any inspections and stuff?”
“Nope, no job and no inspections. All you got to do is shoot whatever is shooting at us.”
“I think I can handle that.”
“We think you can, too, which is why we you’re here, instead of in the transit barracks.”
“That’s where I was when I was volunteered: in the transit barracks in Subic.”
“Lot to be said about hanging out in the EM Club.”**
“Now ain’t that the truth?”
“So, did you learn anything from playing Wyatt Earp up in the hills?”
“You mean like at the OK Corral? Yes, matter-of-fact I did. I learned that medals are for the bigwigs so they can brag about how many Bronze Stars are in their command. And then when I got off the chopper, right here, there was this dude offering me a Purple Heart; just sign on the dotted line, for gosh sakes.”
“Don’t you cuss and swear?”
“For sure, at least I did until a couple of days ago, but when I was up in the hills and things went south fast I asked The Man upstairs if He would get me out of this mess if I’d stop swearing and a bunch of other things, at least for a while, like having a beer or two. But when we get back from our patrol I think I’ll be ready for a cold one, if nothing else than to celebrate life.”
“So what did you do out in the Fleet?”
“I was a missile technician and I tested the firing mechanisms of the nuclear warheads.”
“So the Navy, in its infinite wisdom, volunteered you to go into harm’s way and then, after you survived an outing in the boondocks, they send you to us to be a River Rat, knowing that this boat doesn’t have any missiles that deliver nuclear exploding devices; is that about the gist of it?”
“That’s right, but you left out the part of being able to shoot the BAR from the hip, don’t forget. Look, I’m just joking and I guess the Navy is, too, now that I think about it. I mean, the type of missile I work on on this boat isn’t big enough to handle just one.”
“So what’s it like in the real Navy?”
“Well, back in the States, before we came over here, it was nothing but drills, drills, drills, and if you weren’t paying attention you could find yourself in a compromising position: lots of inspections. Did I mention drills?”
“No.”
“I thought I might’ve. This is not the Navy I’m used to. Who does the laundry?”
“When we come back from patrol some Gooks pick up the dirties and give us the clean.”
“How’s the chow?”
“Cook does us proud; no complaints, as long as you like burgers, which we do.”
“Is that an ice machine?”
“Painted Navy Grey. We like our beer ice cold.”
“It’s good to have the priorities in their proper order: beer and ice followed by ammo and water.”
“You’ll fit right in, Jones.”
“Call me 2 and 2.”
“You got it.”
And that was my first hour aboard the boat, remembered the best I could.
[*Bird Farm: aircraft carrier.]
[**EM Club: Enlisted Men’s Club.]
FINI
“Woolly Bully” (2:20)