“NO HEART, NO SOUL AND NO AUDIENCE”
by OPOVV, ©2019
(Dec. 5, 2019) — “’Everything in moderation, including moderation’: Old Ben was as right then as he is now. Welcome to ‘The Pulse of the Nation,’ your one stop for the truth of the day. Hello, I’m Roving, as in Roving Reporter (RR), and we’re back on our corner, under the awning, across the street from the railroad depot where we ambush commuters with the question of what bugs them the most. Excuse me, Miss, Roving for ‘Pulse,’ the ever-popular information center of the world.”
“Did I hear you just say, ‘of the world?’ Don’t you think that’s a little bit over the top?”
“Sorry, I meant to say, ‘of this corner’; that better?”
“Yes, but I think you need a session with that well-known shrink, Professor Zorkophsky. By the way, I really enjoy those book reviews. Used to see you on TV but at least I can read the transcripts in The P&E.”
“That’s nice. So, what’s your name and what’s your main bug of the day?”
“My name is Sarah and my main bug is that all those so-called fashion magazines haven’t had Melania on the cover, not once.”
“You’re right, so I ask you, how come they’re still in business?”
“Magazines such as Vanity Fair and Cosmopolitan have become the mouthpieces of the forever lost; the viewers of ‘The View’; Hillary supporters and all those who get their daily fix from CNN. It’s very telling about our neighbors who accept lies as the truth and the truth to be censored. Students refuse to let conservatives give lectures yet are willing to pay large sums to hear fake news. It’s a sad state of affairs, if you ask me.”
“I agree. So, you like Melania?”
“This I’ll say about our First Lady: she’s one heck of a class act, without a doubt. She is as far above her detractors as Albert Einstein is above Adam Schiff; as an Honorably-Discharged Veteran is above Hunter Biden; and as an SR-71 Blackbird is above the Wright Brothers’ first plane, the Wright Flyer.”
“That was good; I liked it. This your train? Bye. Let’s take a break.”
“And the Angels Sing” (3:19)
“You! Stop! Roving here.”
“I know who you are; we all know who you are. My God, man, you’ve been pestering us for the last, well, years.”
“Pleased to meet you, too. Care to be interviewed on live TV?”
“Well, now, as long as you caught me; I mean, I don’t want to be rude. Name is Jeff and I’m a county employee. By the way, I’m one of your ‘ten-percenters.’”
“So you’re conscientious and dedicated; can’t be bribed and don’t take kickbacks and as honest as the day is long?”
“For sure. Did I mention that Christmas presents are received with glee? I would have thought that would go without saying; a universal understanding; the way of the world.”
“No problem. What, may I ask, do you do for the county?”
“Code Enforcement, which is the most important job in the world. And this is the busiest time of the year, you know.”
“Why is that?”
“We have to keep an eagle eye out for anything Christian from encroaching on government land, is why. None of this ‘Peace on Earth’ and other Islamophobia sayings.”
“I get it.”
“Why, what kind of world would we have if there was a sign at city hall that read, ‘Do unto others as you would wish upon yourself’? Can’t be having that; might upset somebody; somebody might get ‘offended.’ Now you understand how important my job is?”
“I believe a train is approaching.”
“Not for another ten minutes.”
“Like now. Let’s take a refresher break.”
“Blue Christmas” (2:11)
“And we’re back and I’d just like to say if you haven’t seen the way Melania decorated the White House, then you’re in for a treat. Oh, and one more thing: leave the kid alone, because if you don’t, Mama Bear will eat you alive and everyone who supports Trump will help in any way we can. And now we’re with Vance, who is a railroad engineer.”
“Was. I was a railroad engineer; now I’m a retired railroad engineer.”
“I’m almost afraid to ask, but is the engineer bit about constructing track or driving the train?”
“You’re a funny guy, anyone ever tell you that? I designed track layouts.”
“Track layouts? I don’t understand.”
“Track layouts for retired guys who had a train set when they were little kids but now they’re big kids with big pockets. I designed toy train layouts in any gauge. I used to hang out at the train layout at the museum and hand my card out. Good business; good money and travel all over the world, believe it or not.”
“No way. What was your biggest challenge?”
“There was this Prince in Saudi Arabia who wanted a train set in the likes of ‘Lawrence of Arabia.’”
“With sand?”
“Lots of sand.”
“Of course; for authenticism. So, let me ask you your biggest bug of the day.”
“My biggest bug of the day is the fake news, the fake news that bought the votes-in-the-trunk* that gave the Senate the one vote needed to shove Obamacare down our throats. Look, we need paper ballots and voter ID, or else we might be waving goodbye to our Constitution. And here comes my train. See you later.”
“Later. Okay, let’s wrap this up: thank you for watching, and before we sign off, I’d just like to say hate will eat you alive, cloud your mind and make you go crazy, and there’s no better example than that of Rachel Maddow who, for the past three years, has been lashing out about the Russian Collusion and every other fake news to come down the pike. Just look at her now, a scarecrow with no heart, no soul and no audience. And now, on behalf of the crew, I’ll be wishing you all a goodnight: Goodnight.
“Good show. Burger time: my treat.”
[*trunk: which made senator Al Franken the poster child of fake votes.]
“Mystery Train” (2:27)