“BEYOND COMPREHENSION”
by OPOVV, ©2019
(Aug. 15, 2019) — “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to ‘The Pulse of the Nation,’ the award-winning, fact-filled information show that you all enjoy unless, of course, you have some impediment against enlightened thoughts, thoughts that are congruent with women’s suffrage and St. Francis‘s philosophy that our pets will accompany us in heaven. Just when the accusations against Trump became utterly absurd, here comes another one to top the list, and that is why we’re back in Professor Zorkophsky’s office here at the university. Hello, Professor, and thank you for allowing us into your extravagant office; why, it looks more like an amusement park than a place where original thoughts about the condition of the human race germinate.”
“Always glad to lend a helping hand, as it were. And, Roving, please address me as ‘Zork’ while we enjoy the relaxing atmosphere of my office.”
“Call it premonition, but somehow I knew you would say that. Care to show us anything new? Last we were here your bobsled run was being completed.”
“Old news, Roving, old news. Isn’t that what they say in your business, ‘old news isn’t news’ or something along those lines?”
“You got that right; why, my editor is always on my back harping, ‘current news makes the advertisers happy.’ I guess whenever the advertisers are happy I’ll see my first pay raise.”
“Just out of curiosity, Roving, but how much do you make?”
“I’ll be more than glad to tell you the day when a negative becomes a positive.”
“Fair enough. Now, how can I help you?”
“For all the blame heaped on Trump for every woe to have befallen the human race – and the dinosaur race, for that matter – there has not been one shred of evidence offered. They say Trump is a bigot, yet offer no proof; racist, but again, no proof; and a divisionist; again, with no proof. And on and on it goes; now the paleontologists are blaming Trump for the asteroid that slammed into the Yucatan Peninsula on the grounds that he was aiming for Mexico City but his aim was off.”
“So Trump was actually trying to exterminate the Mexicans?”
“That’s the deal.”
“But there were no ‘Mexicans’ back then because there wasn’t even a Mexico.”
“Try telling that to the idiots who say Trump is a racist, or, for that matter, of accusing Trump of trying to stop the payoffs and kickbacks to those in Congress who accept money from China to keep the trade imbalance alive and well.”
“Enough of your editorializing: state your question.”
“Okay, fair enough: how can seemingly rational people refuse to listen to facts when they are presented in a calm and easy-to-understand format?”
“The correct medical term is ‘Bonkers Forever,’ but for you laymen we use the phrase ‘preconceived conclusions derived from inadequate knowledge of the subject.’ Here, let me give you an example: Let’s say someone states that, ‘due to its basic design, the six-cylinder engine can never be balanced to run as smoothly as a V-8 engine,’ but with the addition of a balancing shaft it is as smooth as a V-8. That’s the fact; it’s a fact on paper and it’s a fact in the real world, but for those who live with blinders on – preconceived conclusions – no matter how often you present the facts, their minds will forever remain closed. They’ll die believing that a six-cylinder engine never achieved the smoothness of a V-8.”
“That’s sad.”
“Face it; it happens every day. People believe that Trump is a racist when he is not. They believe Trump caused the Passenger Pigeon to become extinct when he did not; and last, but certainly not least, is the fact that those who hire illegal immigrants are the real saboteurs of all that is fair and decent in America.”
“Now how do you figure that?”
“It’s easy; all you have to do is genuinely care about people, and none of this fake caring. Speaking from experience, the most valuable asset a business has is its employees. A responsible employer takes care of the workers, and one of the ways the employer looks after the people who work for them, besides giving them a safe environment, is to pay for their on-the-job insurance, which we call Workers’ Compensation: if an employee is injured on the job and tests negative for drugs and alcohol, then the State must accept the burden of the medical bills.”
“So let me see if I understand where you’re going with this. If an owner of a business — maybe the guy owns a roofing company – wants to underbid his competitors, he hires illegal immigrants and pays them under-the-table. Am I right so far?”
“You’re doing great.”
“Thank you. So the owner pays the employee cash money but doesn’t pay one red cent into the Workman’s Compensation fund – on-the-job health insurance – then when that worker becomes injured, tough luck for the worker because somebody didn’t pay the premium for the insurance policy; in this case, somebody did not do something.”
“So what if the guy breaks a leg or his back; what then?”
“The owner fires him and hires the next in the endless line of ‘undocumented workers.’ But it gets worse, because the owner of the roofing company didn’t pay any insurance premiums on his employee. So when the undocumented worker gets injured it’s us taxpayers who are stuck with the medical bills, rehabilitation and everything else: thank you very much, Koch brothers and Chamber of Commerce.”
“So, once again, the American public gets the shaft because of cooked citizens; is that about the gist of it?”
“Go to the head of the class, Roving.”
“So those who support illegal immigration are really giving away the farm, in a manner of speaking.”
‘That’s right: the cost of illegal immigration is staggering beyond comprehension because so many facets are affected.”
“Which translates directly into the pockets of the American taxpayer.”
“These illegal immigrants are the scum of the countries they’re from, at least in most cases. Ever been behind a bus in a Third-World country? a constant flow of trash out the windows in every mile. Our southern border states qualify as landfills, there’s so much trash scattered about everywhere. Take an old painting of the Old West and sprinkle plastic water bottles, diapers, every bit of clothing imaginable, knapsacks, cans, paper, and plastic littering the ground as far as the eye can see and you have the modern-day version of the New West.”
“That bad?”
“They’ll toss the empty fast-food bag full of trash out the door at a stoplight. And in the middle of a drought they’ll toss a lit cigarette out the window, just as they do at home.”
“Well, now, Zork, you’ve certainly given us food for thought, and I’m afraid to announce it’s that time when I wish our audience, on behalf of the crew, a goodnight: Goodnight.
“Another great show, Zork. Join us for burgers: my treat.”
“I Just Started Haitin’ Cheatin’ Songs Today” (2:59)