“DRAIN THE SWAMP”
by OPOVV, ©2019
(Jun. 2, 2019) — “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the show that goes beyond your everyday bland reporting, ‘The Pulse of the Nation.’ People ask me if all our stories are on the up-and-up, which is a pretty good question because I’ve often wondered the same thing myself. All I can say is to let you be the judge, and to help us understand the intricacies of our complicated everyday life, Professor Zorkophsky has been gracious enough to explain it all to us. Welcome to the show, Professor.”
“Glad to be here and to help our neighbors understand the truly chaotic world in which we live. Oh, by the way, Roving, please call me ‘Zork’; after all, my office is such a pleasant atmosphere that there’s really no need to be so formal. And speaking of the office, I’ve added a couple of distractions that I’m sure you’ll enjoy. Please step this way down into the subbasement and I’ll show you what I’ve acquired since your last visit.”
“Maybe some other time, Zork, as I’d like to delve right into the subject at hand; that is, of course, if you’ve no objections.”
“Only if you insist, Roving, but I really wanted to show you the rocket sled. Well, maybe next time. Okay, what do you want to ask me? Oh, by the way, are you aware that I’ve a book release shortly? It’s called ‘Look What They’ve Done to Our Eden.’”
“No, we didn’t get a press release about it. What’s it about? Is it a novel? Textbook?”
“You didn’t receive a press release? Well, then, maybe our time would be more productive hawking my new book; what do you say to that idea, Roving?”
“Okay, sounds fine to me, but first let’s break for this commercial.”
“Singing the Blues” (2:25)
“Am I on? Very well; it’s a textbook written for us professionals who deal with wackos. Now the advantage of writing a textbook, for example, is that you’re automatically guaranteed a certain number of sales to all library and bookstores that wish to to entice customers by displaying such intellectual titles in their windows.”
“By the way, Zork, is the word ‘wacko’ accepted by professional psychiatrists? Does the book have a lot of difficult clinical words?”
“Yes and yes; after all, high standards have been set by the ‘Doctors of the Nuts’ professional association that I must adhere to. Let me give you a couple of examples:
Hopeless: one who is beyond reason; someone who lost the ability to think for himself; the ‘Hope and Change’ and ‘Stronger Together’ crowd.
Complete Idiots (not to be confused with just your run-of-the-mill everyday idiot): someone who votes for the very people who have caused the problem in the first place; our public education requirements have decreased in the last half century, which has had a direct bearing on the standards being lowered across-the-board to accommodate Affirmative Action.
Idiot: anyone who somehow cares about the taxes billionaires pay when they themselves pay nothing, or as close to nothing as a tax accountant can get.”
“So what gives? It looks like a lost cause, but then I’m only a lowly reporter.”
“No, you’re on target, and I’ll tell you why. Once upon a time the human species lived off the land and hunted animals; they also fished and shot or netted birds out of the air. In any given population of humans there are always a few voices that speak out about shooting themselves in the foot: if you over-hunt Mastodons they’ll become extinct; if you pollute the spawning grounds of the salmon the salmon will disappear; if you clear-cut, even a small portion of land to build one house, you are erasing a natural habitat of our planet.”
“Yes, we’ve had quite a few guests who spoke about clear-cutting and the irrefutable harm it causes, wiping out undiscovered species in one swath of a bulldozer’s blade.”
“Let me tell you a story about ignorance. When the Spanish and Portuguese explorers arrived in South America, they discovered a tribe that had the perfect birth-control concoction: it was a drink that, ounce drunk, prevented pregnancy (for life, mind you) but, and get this, they had another drink that nullified the first drink.”
“Why, that’s just great.”
“It was until the Catholic priests found out about it, and that was the end of it. They didn’t even bother to get the recipe or the formula or whatever for it, and that was the end of the perfect birth-control method for the human race.”
“Ignorance.”
“Nothing but. Getting back to what I was saying: pretty hard preaching good works, brotherly love and compassion when you look at the clear-cutting in West Virginia, Kentucky, Tennessee and all the other places throughout the world. Why, there’s huge lakes in Russia that have no fish, and look at what the acid rain has done to Scandinavia, acid rain provided by the copper smelting in Montana and the steel mills in Pennsylvania, among others.”
“So what are you saying? That the facts don’t fit the truth?”
“Close but no banana. The world is, how shall I say it, not in the best shape, not as good as it could be? Ever drive behind a bus in a third-world country? Trash out the left side, trash out the right side, constantly. You know what a landfill looks like: well, right now that’s what the Southwest of our country looks like. These illegal immigrants and Muslims are not only bringing-in viruses that we haven’t seen in years – or at all – but they’re bringing-in a philosophy of trashing our planet that coincides with our own clear-cutting philosophy. With the people of Europe and Africa treating the Mediterranean like a septic tank and all the other countries in the world treating our oceans like a garbage dump, it’s no wonder there’s gangs and wars and distrust: we’re in the very real process of destroying Eden.”
“That bad?”
“Out of every Parakeet that makes it to a cage in the United States, at least a couple hundred died in its place, plus the fact that its DNA has been removed from the gene pool.”
“So can you give us a hint of how the book ends.”
“I’m sorry, Roving, but all you’ve got to do is to open your eyes and tell me what you see. I don’t know about you, but all I seem to see and hear are hypocrites from our nation’s capital: nothing but lip service is not going to cut it, and if we’ve learned anything during the past millennia, it’s that Socialism works only for the morally corrupt thieves who get to keep their guns.”
“Guns?”
“Look, those who are for Socialism are against the Second Amendment; it’s that simple.”
“So there’s a connection between guns and Socialism?”
“Think about it: would you want a government that wouldn’t allow you to protect yourself? And you say protect yourself from what? Well, from them, and if they don’t want you to have guns, WHY NOT? If they are so peaceful, caring and benevolent, guns shouldn’t even be an issue, should it?”
“You know, you’re right. If they’re so concerned about guns, maybe we should be, too. And would you just look at the time? Well, Zork, it was, yet again, an enjoyable visit with you and so, on behalf of the crew, I’ll be wishing you all a goodnight: Goodnight.
“So we’re destroying Eden before our eyes. Let’s hope we can put it together, and there’s not any better place to start than to drain the swamp. Burger time: my treat.”
“Just a Little” (2:33)