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by OPOVV, ©2019

Bust of Jonathan Swift in St. Patrick’s Cathedral, Dublin, Ireland, GNU Free License

(May 21, 2019) — “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to ‘The Pulse of the Nation,’ the show that lets your mind relax while knowing that all you hear and see is solid fact that you can take to the bank. Well, I guess I don’t have to tell you where we are since you can see the giraffes in the background. For you long-time viewers and readers you’ll recognize our guest, the ex-mayor of our fine city. Welcome to the show, Mr. Mayor, but before you answer let’s get this commercial out of the way.”

You Can’t Always Get What You Want” (7:28)

“Glad to be here, Roving, and thanks for being here to kick off our ‘Enhanced Caloric Drive for the Animals,’ or ‘SNACK’ for short. We’re really proud of what we’ve accomplished during the last couple of years, but we think the effort will be worth it by getting myself reelected.”

“So you’ve, what, come up with some kind of scheme to feed the animals, is that it?”

“Precisely, Roving. Running a zoo takes a lot of money, you know. Besides the obvious cost of paying for the utilities and staff, the animals have to eat and protein costs: meat is expensive.”

“So you’ve, what, found a way to augment the protein segment of the menus, is that it?”

“Roving, I have to congratulate you: you sure are ahead of the game. Ever think of going into politics? You’d be a shoe-in.”

“Just answer the question, if you would, please. Don’t be like a politician and beat around the bush and never answer the questions that are asked you.”

“And that’s just one of the reasons why some don’t particularly like President Trump, now isn’t that the truth?”

“Because he actually answers the questions that are asked of him, right? He can really say ‘yes’ and ‘no’ to a yes-and-no question.”

“That’s right, Roving. Yes, what we’ve done is augment — wait, let me ask you a question: are you familiar with the writings of Jonathan Swift?”

“Yes, of course; go on.”

“Well, then, listen: America is a very young country and the reverence of wisdom is going by the wayside. Satire used to be a very viable teaching tool, but ever since the advent of political correctness and crybabies being somehow offended — for instance: crying that young people can buy a gun — the ability to convey information has been reduced by whatever is taught by the age of three, it seems.”

“Are you saying that people are dumber today than yesterday?”

“Not all, but there’s more uneducated people today than yesterday, is what I am saying.”

“So if you’re going to say it, say it and stop beating around the bush.”

“This so-called trade agreement with Mexico isn’t working, understand? Mexico has NOTHING that the United States wants or needs, and don’t let anyone try and tell you different. We have a real problem with the illegal immigrants breaking our most sacred laws: rape, murder and pedophilia. So the treaty says we can’t execute the lawbreakers; okay, fine: I say feed them to the animals.”

“I’m sorry, ladies and gentlemen, for the crassness of the Mayor, so we’ll just have to leave it there. I don’t think Jonathan Swift would have published any of his editorials nowadays in America because of all of this political correctness stupidity. Such a pity and so, on behalf of the crew, let me wish you all a goodnight: Goodnight.

“Actually, a pretty good show with plenty of food for thought. Burger time: my treat.”

The Lion Sleeps Tonight” (2:47)


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