“NAME JUST ONE, PLEASE”
by OPOVV, ©2019
(May 19, 2019) — “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to where the truth isn’t a stranger; where facts aren’t twisted; and where reality isn’t sugarcoated to mean something entirely different: ‘The Truth of the Nation.’ Hello, my name is Roving, as in Roving Reporter (RR), and, as you can see, we’re back on our corner, standing under the awning, across the street from the railroad station attempting to waylay commuters to the big city to ask them what’s bugging them the most these days.”
“Hey, Roving!”
“What the heck? Who’s yelling?”
“Over here, across the street! How come you’re not on television any more? They dump you?”
“Come over here and talk to us rather than yell. All right, here he comes, after almost getting hit by a car. So, what’s the gripe?”
“Can’t get you on TV anywhere, that’s what.”
“Simple: they didn’t want to pay me but we’re on a few local stations and, besides, the transcript is posted on The P&E, so what’s the problem?”
“Trump; Trump is the problem; why, when Obama was the de facto president, garage sales were fun; you could get some really good stuff.”
“And?”
“Since Trump, garage sales are rare. Just last weekend our town had a town-wide garage sale and, although once there were hundreds of sales, last weekend we were lucky if there were twenty. And another thing: the items that were offered were really junk, not at all like it was under Obama.”
“So what gives?”
“Jobs; people are working and bringing home money so they don’t need to get rid of their junk and waste a weekend. And here’s another thing: of all the government statistics on how good or how bad our economy is, there’s only one statistic that has any real meaning: all the others are just static. The GNP number is touted as the Holy Grail; employment numbers are bragged about, but there’s only one that counts, the one that tells the whole truth — the common denominator — and nothing but the truth between the Obama years and now.”
“Okay, I’ll bite: and what statistic would that be?”
“Food Stamps. If people need money to buy food, they’ll resort to Food Stamps; when they can afford to buy food with their own money, they won’t be caught dead with an EBT card, no pun intended.”
“And none taken. That your train? See you around. Let’s break for a commercial.”
“Come and Get These Memories” (2:26)
“And who are we going to interview next? How about you with the ‘Joe for 20’ pin? What’s your name and how come you advertise yourself as really stupid? What’s the idea? What do you hope to gain by being a complete idiot?”
“My name is Doug and I thought this was a family show.”
“It is a family show, but it’s a family show that takes some responsibility for reporting the truth, unlike ‘The View,’ for example.”
“But aren’t you supposed to report two sides of a story?”
“Not if one of them is a lie, we’re not.”
“But Joe is the front-runner.”
“Front-runner of what? So he can pad his kickback bank account? He spent over thirty years in Congress and another eight as VP: what did he do about the trade imbalance with China, besides take the payoffs? What did he ever do about getting Johnny to read and write and speak proper English in the inner cities? Name me ONE item that helped our Vets with the VA? Name just one, please. We’re waiting, Doug. You know you’re on TV? And do you know the transcript of this program goes worldwide? Name just one item that the Obama-Biden administration did to help the Veterans with the VA? You can’t, can you? Cat got your tongue?”
“I forget.”
“You can’t forget what you never knew, Doug. Off you go. Sorry about that; what do you say we break for one more commercial before we interview our last one of the day?”
“Baby’s Gotten Good At Goodbye” (3:30)
“And we’re back, about to waylay this young lady. Hey, what’s the rush? There’ll be another one in a few minutes. Roving here for ‘Pulse,’ your one stop to…”
“’Rest my brain,’ thank you very much. My ex-husband always said I didn’t have a brain, so I cheated on him. Served him right. And then he left me; can you believe it? And then I divorced him but I’d call him at work and tell him I was having the time of my life, a divorcee in the middle of Sailor Town, USA: San Diego.”
“You said you called him while he was at work and told him that you were having the best time of your life?”
“Once a week, and then he asked me to stop bothering him, so I stopped calling. So, what’s the question of the day?”
“I’m almost afraid to ask, but the question is what do you think of the Democratic Party platform?”
“They have a platform? I thought all they had was a bunch of free stuff for the stupid and lazy, but they never tell us who pays for it, now, do they?”
“Maybe your husband was wrong about your not having a brain: the was a pretty good answer.”
“No, really, how come they don’t tell us the truth about Socialism? Can’t they make the connection between Socialism and Venezuela?”
“I’d say you are definitely behind the eight-ball.”
“Is that a good thing?”
“It’s a very good thing, and we’ve just run out of time. Thank you for talking with us and I’ll be wishing all of you back home, on behalf of the crew, a goodnight: Goodnight.
“Another great show, crew. Burger time: my treat.”
“Can’t Help Falling In Love” (2:50)