The Only Statistic that Counts (RR)


by OPOVV, ©2019

(Mar. 4, 2019) — “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the show that’ll make you laugh or make you cry, make you disgusted or make you proud, and either you’ll agree or become offended, but either way, ‘The Pulse of the Nation’ will get your goat one way or the other. Hello, I’m Roving, as in Roving Reporter (RR), and my job is to interview our neighbors to glean some insight what they’re thinking so we all don’t get blindsided. As you can see, we’re back on our corner, under the awning, across the street form the railroad station about to waylay this young lady on her way to work. Excuse me, young lady, care to be interviewed on live TV?”

“No, I do not, and I’m not a ‘young lady’: today’s my birthday.”

“Oh, sorry to hear that. ‘Anotheryear-older’ sort of thing, is that it?”

“You men don’t understand; you don’t have a clue, which is why men are clueless.”

“Now don’t tell me, I know what’s coming next: the biological time-clock is ticking away, your ‘another-year-older’ thing. By the way, are you pro-life?”

“I’ll tell you what I am: I’m mad. I’m mad at men and mad at all the dumb women who never heard of any birth control methods. Like, maybe, don’t get pregnant in the first place, now how hard is that? And that’s my train. Bye.”

“Goodbye, Lady. Maybe I better not wish her a Happy Birthday. Let’s break for a commercial.”

When Irish Eyes Are Smiling” (3:36)

“Okay, we’re back with a retiree named George, who just left the government. What did you do for the government, George?”

“After 20 years in the Navy, I went to work for the ‘Department of Spin.’ I started as a Field Agent and retired as ‘Number 471,’ I’m proud to say.”

“That’s just great, but why would you be proud to go out as #471?”

“Because the department employs 60,000, that’s why; so #471 rated an office with a window, which is something to be proud of, I’d say.”

“For sure, George, so what was your job; what did you do there?”

Source: USDA SNAP benefits chart:

“Good question, Roving. I was supposed to make up stories about how worse off President Trump has made everything, but I couldn’t get by the Food Stamp statistic. You know, you can cite all of the statistics you want, but the only one that counts is the number of people who rely on their food from the government, and if that’s less – as the president has made it – then all the rest, like employment numbers and factories returning, is kind-of redundant, you with me?”

“Makes sense.”

“So the less people on Food Stamps means less reliance on the government, which is the opposite of Socialism. So, to make a long story short, they didn’t particularly like my attitude.”

“Why’s that?”

“Now that’s a pretty dumb question, Roving, because the department is 99% Obot, is why.”

“Did you say, ‘Obot?’”

“’Obot’: a lover of Obama and Hillary.”

“So, maybe, you don’t agree with the poster that the West Virginia anti-Americans don’t like*?”

“No; listen: just because I worked for the government doesn’t necessarily mean that I’ve contracted Trump Derangement Syndrome. I’d say that 10% of government employees are honest and dedicated, while the rest are despicable crooks who are working against the interest of our Republic and deserve, at the very least, to be fired, while the rest should be in jail.”

“Are you including Hillary?”


“So, George, what’s your main gripe these days?”

“Truthfully? I won’t get in trouble telling you exactly what I think? Okay, then: I’m a little bit ticked-off having one penny of my tax dollars going to the university – or any state school – that rams Socialism down the throats of our gullible nymphs that we see holding signs proclaiming Pro-choice who, by the way, have never seen a video of how an infant is murdered after having been born full-term. And here’s my train so I’ll say thanks for the fun.”

“And you’re welcome, George. Let’s say we take a commercial break before we have our last guest?”

Mary of Argyll” (3:12)

“Excuse me, please, care to be interviewed on ‘Pulse,’ the ever-exciting TV info show? May I ask your name and your main peeve of the day?”

“Oh, sure, watch your show with my cat. My name is Joe and my cat’s name is Joe Jr., Junior for short. My main peeve is all this hype about 2020. Save a heck of lot of effort and money if we just accept Trump and concentrate on getting the job done,”

“And what job is that, Joe?”

“Why, to Make America Great Again**.”

“And off he goes and off we go, too, and so, on behalf of the crew, I’ll wish you all a goodnight: Goodnight.

“Good show. You know, that guy was right about the Food Stamps. Burger time: my treat.”

[*the poster]

[**the ending cadence derived from the movie War Games]

Ooh La La” (4:13)


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