“HOW DOES THIS MAKE US SAFER?”
by OPOVV, ©2018
(May 8, 2018) — Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to ‘The Pulse of the Nation,’ the show that normal people watch to get the unvarnished truth. And here we are, back on our corner, under the awning, across the street from the railroad station waylaying our neighbors to see what makes them tick. You, sir, Roving here for ‘Pulse.’ Got a minute to spare?”
“Hello, Roving, yes, matter of fact, I do have a few spare minutes. I’m a pressure-cleaning contractor and I’m taking the day off.”
“Business so slow that you’re taking a workday off?”
“Just the opposite. Business is booked until August, but I’m not really taking the day off; I mean, I am but for a really good reason; at least I think so.”
“Look, the ‘Pulse’ is a family show, not some complicated and convoluted game show, so how about telling us what you’re really up to.”
“You really want to know?”
“I’m all ears.”
“The other day I got this contract for this trailer park to pressure-clean 45 roofs. The last time these roofs were cleaned was like four years ago, so they’re pretty black: you know, moldy and dirty. So I hire this young man and come back that afternoon to see how many he’s done.”
“How many roofs can be cleaned in a day?”
“A good job will take a whole day for a double-wide or for an 80-footer, but that includes setup and pack-it-up; two a day for a regular trailer. So I get to this trailer park and it looks as if he’s done five; I mean, he’s starting on the 6th trailer in line. ‘No way,’ I say to myself, so I take the ladder from the back of my pickup truck and get on top of the first trailer and see, well, I took pictures and I’m on my way to the Physics Department at the University of Chicago.”
“Care to share with our viewers?”
“Okay, look, here’s a couple:
‘Formula to convert starlight into electromagnetic radiation to propel spaceships, and here’s the proof: XXXXX.’
“But the formula’s redacted.”
“But of course.”
“Explanation?”
“These formulas are written by pressure-washer on top of at least five trailers and they may be valuable or something.”
“I got that, but why? Surely you didn’t hire this guy to write equations, right?”
“Yes, of course. Call that professor of yours and let’s get to the bottom of this. Maybe save me a trip downtown.”
“We’ll take a commercial break while I call him.”
“Tired of Waiting For You” (2:40)
“And that’s the story, Zork. What do you think?”
“First of all, this is really exciting. Somehow the combination of being on top of a trailer and pulsating water produces a vibration that travels up the legs and then to the spinal column and into the brain stem of this individual to create some kind of idiot savant who becomes controlled by the Neanderthal Cortex which results in this bizarre behavior of writing via pressure-cleaner. Let me ask you an important question: have you tried different pressure-cleaner manufacturers?”
“Well, no, of course not. What would that have to do with anything?”
“You said there were cryptic political slogans too. Which ones?”
“There’s:
‘Progressive really means back to the Salt Mines’
‘National Health Care will be the death of you’
‘A failed Thousand Year Reich was pure Socialism’
There’s about 20 per roof.”
“Very interesting. I see another bestseller in my future; perhaps a text on ‘Unique Savant Writings’; maybe even a primer on ‘Methods to Write Cursive with Pressure-Cleaners,’ and have separate chapters for ‘Driveways & Sidewalks.’ I’ll cut you in at 7 ½% if I can use your pictures.”
“Make it ten.”
“Deal.”
“So what is some of the other stuff written?”
“Well, we have:
2 ‘Geronimos’
‘Remember the Alamo’
‘Affirmative Action is an Oxymoron’
‘Socialism is for the Marijuana-Impaired’
and another 47 equations about ‘Riding the Cosmic Rays’
Oh, there’s one that says:
‘The Bard Already Wrote It.’”
“This is the most ridiculous story I’ve ever heard. Got anything more to add? No? Any last comment, Professor?”
“Please, Roving, call me ‘Zork’; no need to be so formal.”
“You see, my job isn’t so easy after all. I spend half my time doing my job and the other half trying to remain halfway in control of my life. Not easy; the money and travel are alright, but sometimes it makes one wonder if it’s worth it. Wait; I do have another question: so what happened to your ‘equation writer’? You fire him?”
“Fire him? Are you kidding? This is a Hollywood script writing itself; besides, maybe some of these equations are for real; who knows?”
“Hey, what are some other things he’s written?”
“’Seek and Ye Shall Find’
‘Top of the Mornin’’
‘Perpetual Motion Formula: XXXXX’
‘Socialism is the Refuge for Lazy Bums’
‘The Democratic Party is Socialism by Another Name’
‘Lock Her Up.’“
“Give us one more.”
“‘Make America Great Again’ “
“Molly, our sound-boom operator, is giving me signals, on behalf of the crew, to wish you all a goodnight: Goodnight.
“Another rather strange show, don’t you think? Burger time: my treat.”
[NOTE: ‘Pulse’ has stopped accepting nominees for this year’s “World’s Stupidest Person.” Really, now, there’s no question about it: the prize goes to the female reporter who so rudely shouted out to President Trump after he announced squashing the Iran deal, ‘How does this make us safer?’]
“Short People” (2:59)