“A FIGHTING CHANCE”
by OPOVV, ©2018
(Feb. 24, 2018) — “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to a special edition of ‘Pulse of the Nation.’ Tonight we’re going to delve into the life of the infamous Florida Broward County Sheriff Scott “Pinocchio” Israel, who ignored every conceivable warning signs that a serial school shooter was on the loose and about to murder 17 of his classmates. With me is Pinocchio Israel’s kindergarten teacher, Miss McGillicuddy. Miss McGillicuddy, what kind of student was Sheriff Israel when he was under your supervision?”
“Well, he was very quiet, that is, unless you wanted to play in the sandbox or on the teeter-totter; then he was a little tyrant. He brought a rake from home and made the kids smooth out the sand when they were done playing.”
“My gosh. What’s the story about the teeter-totter?”
“At first we all thought it was kind-of comical and cute, but it never stopped; I mean, he would raise a flag he was carrying and blow the whistle when he thought it was a person’s turn to go up.”
“Did you ever have a parent-teacher conference with Israel’s parents?”
“Many times, actually. You know what his mother told me? He has an older sister, you know, and he would spend hours alone in the garage playing with the Easy Bake Oven.”
“Now that’s interesting. Thank you for sharing that with us. Excuse us while we break for a commercial.”
“King of the Road” (2:30)
“Okay, now we have Pinocchio’s 6th grade teacher with us. I’m sorry, I didn’t get your name.”
“Miss Nancy Simpkins, and I was Israel’s 5th and 6th grade teacher. We used to think he was in the Cub Scouts, but it wasn’t until he was at the end of the 6th grade term when we realized it was a fake uniform, but to him it was his play cop uniform.”
“Thank you for showing up and sharing that with us. Let’s break for a commercial.”
“Feelin’ Alright” (4:10)
“With us is Mr. Jackie Henderson, the training officer of the Sheriff’s Department.”
“Retired.”
“Excuse me?”
“I’m retired. I retired in 2000 but before I retired I taught our police how to get home safely. We used the Columbine High School Method of Getting Home Safe, by the way.”
“Care to elaborate on that a little bit?”
“What they did at Columbine was to lounge outside the school grounds until the shooting stopped, and then waited another ten minutes while they finished their coffee and donuts. So the cop news of the day was not the 15 kids killed that day, but that every one of the first responders got home safe that night. That’s what I taught in my class and was endorsed wholeheartedly by the Sheriff. And you can see that the class was a success, because that’s exactly what our cops did at the high school in Florida on Valentine’s Day: ALL of our men in blue got home safe that night, and that’s what should be emphasized.”
“Just curious, but are any law enforcement officers ex-military?”
“No! Never! Are you kidding me? Just think of it: riots and mayhem going on all around and you expect the cops to follow the Constitution? I don’t think so. Oh, I’ve heard stories about the fraggin’ in Viet Nam, about officers giving unlawful orders and paying the price, but our cops work on a different side of the street, if you catch my meaning.”
“Was the Broward County SWAT team deployed last week?”
“Yes, they were, and isn’t that SWAT truck a beautiful work of art? You know what it is, for real, don’t you? Why, it’s a roach coach; a geedunk truck; a lunch wagon; a food truck in disguise. And what’s really cool about it is that the ice cream cone machine can mix chocolate and vanilla at the same time. Now that’s cool. Add the 72”-wide screen TV with satellite hookup and you got a really nice place to watch the action in total comfort and safety. State of the art, it is, and we’re all very proud of it.”
“I’m sure you are. That’ll do it for this episode of ‘Pulse,’ and so, on behalf of the crew, I’d like to wish you all a goodnight, as our thoughts and prayers go out to the families in Florida who lost their sons and daughters due to the incompetence of one man: Sheriff Pinocchio Israel: Goodnight.
“What a sorry fool for a Sheriff. Oh, well, it’ll keep on happening unless the teachers carry, but the crybabies will have to grow up first. I say we at least give our kids a fighting chance. Burger time: my treat.”
“Mack the Knife” (3:13)