by OPOVV, ©2018

(Jan. 12, 2018) — “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the ‘Pulse of the Nation,’ the info news show that’s in negotiations with a major satellite provider (again) to provide the world with quality in-depth and introspective news, plus a giant pay raise for yours truly. Hello, my name is Roving, as in Roving Reporter (RR), and I’ll be turning you over to our professor in Washington; our eyes and ears in our nation’s capital, for the inauguration of the first show that we’re calling The Zorkophsky Report, where we’ll receive up-to-date news, as it is happening, from the psychological expert and best-selling author, Professor ‘Zork’ Zorkophsky. And so, without further ado, take it away, Zork.”

“Thank you, Roving, and welcome, everyone, to the first of many (I hope) as-it-is-happening reports from our nation’s capital. Hello, I’m Professor Zorkophsky, of number one book-seller fame, and I’ll be conducting the interviews and reporting the news that (most likely) you’ll not hear anywhere else. What do you say we get this commercial out of the way, shall we?”

True Love Ways” (3:25)

“And we’re back. With me here is a senator who wishes to remain anonymous because he’s afraid to speak the truth for fear reprisals, such as being labeled a racist and other overused and, in most cases, misused words.”

“You would be afraid, too, if you read some of the emails I receive every day. Why, they’re nuts out there, did you know that? This PC (Political Correctness) hasn’t abated one iota. I’m still getting complaints about statues, and if that wasn’t bad enough, the complaints about what’s in our public libraries are enough to want to make you buy a tank and hunker down.”

“That bad?”


“How worse?”

“How about ‘very?’ Affirmative Action is still alive and well, can you believe that? I mean, you can lead a stupid to a book but you can’t lead a book to a stupid. Did I say that right? It didn’t sound right.”

“You really are a senator?”

“Yes, I am. About that book comment, what I meant to say is that in order to accommodate minorities, at first, the passing grade of tests was lowered so people could feel good about the great immediate success of Affirmative Action. For instance, in the driver’s license test you have this question: ‘What should a driver do when approaching a STOP SIGN?’

  1. Prepare to stop and proceed when it is safe.
  2.  Think about it and proceed when it is safe.
  3.  Other people should stop for me.
  4.  A STOP SIGN is but a suggestion, so there.
  5. Other.”

“OK, I’m not going to fall for the trap and ask about ‘Other.’

“Don’t have to: I’ll tell you: It’s like when a cop sees something out-of-kilter. It’s the thought process that determines the outcome, starting with:

  1. If I arrest this perp*, will the DA back me?
  2. If I stop and question this suspect, how many hours of paperwork will I be required to do before the judge lets my cuff-lee (I am the cuff-ler) walk?
  3.  Do I call for backup?
  4.  Or do I allow for valor to take a back seat to discretion and meet up with my coworkers at the substation**.”

“Somewhere back there I lost you. How in the dazes do you people ever get anything done?”

“We don’t, which is the whole point. Ever hear of ‘don’t rock the boat’? We don’t make waves and that’s the reason why politicians AND news shows (including FOX) spend an inordinate amount of time on trivia; on nothing but pure trivia that has no bearing on anything to be found on the planet Earth; that no one cares about; and that, even if you could find someone to care about it, they’d be pulling you leg; a ‘pretend polite’ meaningless gesture to make the news anchors feel important enough to read the crawl on their studio monitors.”

“Give us an example.”

“President Trump badmouthing third-world countries, and why not? So why not badmouth places with overpopulation and corruption, two detrimental human activities that it’s possible to cure with an ounce of responsibility, a dash of common sense, a pinch of empathy, and a teaspoon of honesty. Not asking much, is it? Not even a shot’s worth; less than a sip of beer or wine. So why not tell the truth?”

“Not politically correct these days. What’s your view on DACA?”

“I’m a strict Constitutionalist so I have to say ‘Deport them:’ end of story.”

“What about the tone of our military saying that we’ll kill our enemies?”

“I like it a lot; why, just the other day someone said that we’d kill our enemies with entrenching shovels*** or by whatever means necessary. So some pansies got upset and it made the news. Pretty sad, don’t you think?”

“I’m getting to the point where nothing surprises me anymore; I mean, this town (Washington, DC) is so far out of touch it’s embarrassing trying to explain why Hillary lost. I mean, like, we don’t want illegal immigrants and Muslims, so how come the Obots couldn’t and can’t figure that one out? All Hillary had to do to win was to adopt Trump’s platform, but these New World Order Socialist-bent people are dumber than an empty tube of toothpaste.”

“If Trump caves on DACA, what then?”

“Not good. Look, none of it’s looking good no matter who you are. The fix is in: the bureaucrats have decided that the Constitution should be – and therefore is – circumvented to bring on the New World Order (Sharia?). The television commercials aren’t selling the product they’re supposedly advertising as much as promoting a mind-set that is anti-American, and if I have to spell it out for you, I’m sorry, but I won’t. Let me just say what you’re thinking is probably the answer. It’s right in front of you: all you’ve got to do to understand what’s happening around you is to pay attention.”

“That’s nice. My cell phone is buzzing, which is my cue to thank you all for watching the first show of The Zorkophsky Report. Thank you, senator, for being my first guest celebrity.”

“It’s been an honor, Zork. Proud to have done it and grateful that you thought of me so highly to ask me to be your first, of many, I’m confident, guests. I’m sure your new show will follow in your footsteps as your list of best-sellers has.”

“Really slick, senator, and thanks for the compliment. Well, folks, as Roving says, on behalf of the crew, I’ll be wishing you all a goodnight: Goodnight.

“How’d it go, crew? Thanks a lot. What do you say we continue in the tradition of Roving: Hey, senator; burger time: my treat.”

[*perp: perpetrator]

[**substation: a place where our men in blue can take a break where free coffee and donuts are served.]

[*** kill our enemies with entrenching shovels: 4.0]

Take On Me” (3:47)


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