by OPOVV, ©2018
“Standing with me in the mezzanine are the troops from the opera who are going to entertain us with the song ‘Maria.’ Take it away:
“Thank you, one and all. Let’s say we start the show with the reading of the letter, and if that sounds as if we’re in church, blame it on Reverend Dunkin, who’ll do the reading. Take it away:
Where in the blazes do you find some of your regulars? I visited Cassadaga, Florida and couldn’t find any listing for ‘Madam Shylock.’ And is ‘Chief New Leaf’ for real? What about ‘Turtle Who Sits on rock in Moonlight,’ is that also for real?
I couldn’t interview them if they weren’t real. As far as ‘Madam Shylock’ goes, she has a stage (television) name, a professional fortuneteller name, and her real name that’s found on her birth certificate.
‘Chief New Leaf’ is an American Indian Chief, for real.
‘Turtle Who Sits on Rock’ is another for real but is not a Chief.
The Talking Dog is another also for real.
If you could see us on television you’d know better.
Thank you for your inquisitive questions,
Roving Reporter (RR)
“Thank you, Reverend: excellent letter-reading skills. Let’s pause for a commercial break.”
“Bury Me Not on the Lone Prairie” (2:53)
“What do you say we interview this young lady?”
“’Young lady’? I’ll have you know that I’m a human being on the planet Earth.”
“Congratulations. Hey, Molly, do we have some sort of prize for this human from Earth? The door? Guess what? We’ve a prize for you: the door and out you go. Watch out for frostbite. Look, this job is hard enough without some kook making fools out of themselves. Let’s do a commercial; excuse us, please.”
“She Won’t Be Lonely Long” (3:35)
“Next in line, please. What is your name and what do you do?”
“My name is ‘Herman the Magician’ and I work for the Federal Government.”
“Your name is all of that? I mean, is that your full name?”
“No, my parents always wanted a magician in the family so that’s what they named me. And I know you’re going to ask me what I do for the government, so I’ll tell you: I’m an obstructionist and an objectionist, which means I make excuses for the failures of the Democratic Party who just offer negative criticism and never positive reinforcement.
“A good example is Obamacare, which was a catch phrase of the health insurance industry to legally steal money from poor working stiffs. Kickback payments from insurance companies come in many forms, with the most obvious in the guise of campaign contributions. Another excellent example of a kickback would be Bernie Sanders’s lakefront house.
“I put ideas in people’s heads, and the more outrages the better. The Russian Dossier was just lucky because no one in the office ever thought Americans weren’t really dumb enough to buy into it until someone had us all watch an episode of The View.”
“So, you’re what, a part of the Shadow Government or Deep State?”
“Yes, of course I am. I hate America as everyone else does who doesn’t work for a living; I mean, those who don’t work in the private sector where a person can be fired for lying, cheating and refusing to answer questions having to do with wrongdoing and breaking the law, as Lois Lerner did.
“Listen: imagine you own a company and you ask one of your employees to come to your office. You offer her a chair and ask if she’s doing the job for which she was hired in a legal and honest manner, and she answers, ‘I refuse to answer you,’ stands and walks out of your office without even saying ‘Goodbye.’ You’d fire her in a heartbeat, wouldn’t you? But working for the government she continues to show up for her job, receives a bonus, retires and gets her full pension.
“You see, in the private sector she would’ve been fired, arrested, convicted and sent to prison with no pension, and that’s why there’s a Shadow Government: to protect the continued employment for the phony-bologna jobs. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to go think up more lies. Bye.”
“See, you just never know what you’re going to see on ‘Pulse.’ Excuse us while we break for a commercial.”
“Okay, next please. Hello, sir, what’s your name and what do you do for a living?”
“My name is Robert-Bob, and I work as a research scientist for the ‘National Billiard/Ping-Pong and Lung Corporation.’”
“I’m a brave guy; I proved it when I served in Vietnam, but even I am afraid to ask you what the heck ‘Robert-Bob’ means, and then about this company you work for. I mean, am I right or am I missing something?”
“No, you’re okay. The ‘Robert-Bob’ is easily explained as in ‘My name is Robert but you can call me Bob,’ and people who hang out in pool halls are susceptible to coming down with emphysema, but not nearly as susceptible as someone who smokes something with THC (marijuana). As a matter of fact, the ratio of the amount of tar between a joint (marijuana cigarette) and a coffin nail (tobacco cigarette) is in the neighborhood of 14:1, and higher compared to some really potent strains of marijuana and hashish.”
“Okay, that sounds halfway reasonable, but can you tell me who pays you for this information?”
“The Billiard/Ping-Pong division pays for itself while the marijuana lobby pays us not to release the information about the acute dangers of contacting emphysema and other deadly lung diseases and ailments directly associated with inhaling THC, and that includes second-hand smoke.”
“They pay you to keep your research to yourself?”
“Of course. We used to have a division that proved that climate change/global warming was nothing but a hoax, but we had to close that down when people got wise to the scam, the old ‘if it looks like a duck;’ you know what I’m talking about. Look, I’ve got to get to work so if you’ll excuse me, please.”
“And off he goes, Mr. Robert but you can call me Bob. I got to say, there’s never a dull moment at ‘Pulse.’ And here it is, that time already for me to wish you all, on behalf of the crew, a goodnight: Goodnight.
“Good show; crazy, but good. Burger time: my treat.”
“Strong Persuader” (4:17)