WHAT IS A “DESERVING DREAMER?”
by OPOVV, ©2018
(Jan. 1, 2018) — “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to ‘Pulse of the Nation,’ broadcasting from ‘J’ Street in Lake Worth, Florida. What we do is waylay people going about their everyday business and ask them their concerns. Hello, I’m your Roving Reporter about to ask this lady if she would want to be on ‘Pulse.’”
“Pardon me?”
“Would you care to be on television? I’m Mr. Roving and what we do is ask people everyday questions.”
“Is it a game show? How much money can I win?”
“No, it’s not a game show and there’s no money involved.”
“So what’s the point? What’s in it for me?”
“Look, lady: this is a TV show about human interest stories; nothing more. Like I’ll ask you your name and what you do for a living.”
“My name is Laura and I’m a fashion designer for the United States Army.”
“But there’s no Army bases around here.”
“This morning I looked at the calendar and I noticed it said it was the Year of Our Lord 2018; that we live where there’s electricity and that people have been working out of their homes for YEARS. Is that clear enough or do I have to spell it out?”
“I take it you work out of your home. So, explain this fashion aspect of your job; what does the Army need a fashion designer for, anyway?”
“Because of the type of people they’re accepting, that’s why. First off, it would be the epitome of fashion hypocrisy to expect a Muslim woman to wear an all-black burqa on the battlefield, so I designed an acceptable camouflage burqa, and then for the Queer and Transgendered dress uniform I changed to color from Army Green to Mauve.”
“Mauve? How in the heck did you come up with that?”
“Simple: I took a survey and mauve was first choice.”
“I’m afraid to ask, but what was the second choice?”
“It was a tie between chartreuse and chartreuse with orange stripes or stars, believe it or not.”
“No, I’m not going to believe it. You mean to say that if one of the members of the Joint Chiefs of Staff is a queer they could be wearing a chartreuse dress uniform adorned with orange stars? And is the word ‘dress,’ like, for real or just a coincidence? I don’t believe any of this. ”
“Believe it, Roving. Why, you sound just like my father, who was in the NAVY. You should have seen him when I told him that the NAVY White Hats, or Dixie Cups, are to be replaced with Carmen Miranda hats. Face it, Roving, the world is changing. Excuse me but I’ve got to run. Bye.”
“Bye. Excuse us while we take a commercial break.”
“Armed Forces Medley” (3 :29)
“And we’re back. Hello, sir, care to be on ‘Pulse,’ the ever-popular TV show?”
“Hey, look, Marge, it’s that Roving character from television.”
“Don’t say another word: you people are from Iowa, aren’t you? What are you doing in Lake Worth?”
“As they say, Roving, ‘home of the newlywed or nearly dead.’ This is where we retired to. Love the weather; really get a kick out of watching the blizzards up north on TV.”
“Just as they get a kick out of you getting blasted by hurricanes, I suppose. Look, I don’t want to appear rude or anything, but you mind if we skip you and go on to next in line? Let’s break for a commercial.”
“Heartland” (2:18)
“Now that we’re safe from any brain contamination from the heathens, who is next in line? You, sir, care to be on ‘Pulse?’”
“Sure thing; dog and I watch your show whenever you’re on. Wife left me years ago, for a short fellow. You ever see those little old ladies dragging their metal wire grocery carts? I picture her doing the same thing with her little husband; feet hanging out the top. Where’s that Talking Dog? My dog barks up a storm whenever he sees her.”
“They didn’t make the trip. Look, what’s your name and what do you do in your twilight years?”
“You’re some comedian, anyone ever tell you that? ‘Twilight years’; where you ever hear that one? Like what, all of a sudden we’re worthless?”
“Hold on, old man. Look, here’s the thing. It would be one thing if you retired people would act responsibly, like stay off the roads during rush hour, for one.”
“We can’t do that! We’ll miss our tee time!”
“That’s what I mean; you’re equating the importance of your golf game with some poor working stiff that’s got to get to work. And here’s another thing: do your grocery shopping before noon, okay? And don’t be counting dimes and pennies to pay for stuff: use your debit card, okay?”
“I’ll think about it. So, you going to ask me a question?”
“And here it is: what is DACA?”
“Can I tell the truth or do you want me to answer as a nitwit news anchor or a nitwit politician or a nitwit pundit?”
“Just answer the question, please.”
“The honest and truthful answer of the definition of DACA is AMNESTY. DACA is nothing but a scam to avoid deportation with all the other illegal immigrants, and all the ‘don’t know any other country’ is just another way to collect welfare and every other form of taxpayer money for nothing. It boils down to do we have a country or do we not have a country; do we follow the laws or do we not follow the laws; and if we don’t enforce the laws that are on the books, what kind of people are we, anyway? Pushovers? Worthless? A bunch of no-accounts? Say one thing but do another? Judge me not by what I do but what I say or, in the DACA case, what I don’t do?”
“Good answer. Thanks for being on the show and with that, on behalf of the crew, I’ll be wishing you all a goodnight: Goodnight.
“Great show. Burger time: my treat.”
“Ballad of the Alamo” (3:39)