“JUMPING THE GUN”
by OPOVV, ©2017
(Dec. 10, 2017) — “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to ‘Pulse of the Nation,’ the most quoted news show on television. Hey, what do I know? They hand me a script and if it makes some sort of halfway sense I read it, okay? And I didn’t even know we were a ‘news’ show; here I always thought we were a ‘public interest’ ‘we-hope-we-didn’t-waste-your-time’ kind of show. Anyway, here we are, back on our corner, under the awning across from the railroad station.
“And here’s another ‘Roving, read this on the air’ message: ‘As a reminder, do not bug us with your inquiries about not being able to get ‘Pulse’ from your provider; got it?’ There: that’s straightforward enough, wouldn’t you say? What do you say we get to work and interview someone after this commercial?”
“Samba Pa Ti” (4:42)
“Excuse me, sir, care to be on TV? Roving for ‘Pulse.’”
“Right-on; like your show. I must say, where do you find these characters, anyway? Are they plants: you know, like professional actors or something?”
“They’re the ‘something,’ alright; they’re just regular folks who ride the train. Here’s your question: describe an ‘off-side’ football penalty.”
“It’s a ‘dead ball’ penalty, isn’t it? The ball isn’t even in play. It’s one of those; no, wait; it’s the stupidest penalty in the whole sport. It’s like you got this player who is in the Kansas City airport on his way to Buffalo and the rule is for him to stay seated until his flight is called in, let’s say, three minutes. The ball, by the way, is at the line of scrimmage: not in play, just sitting on the grass, in Buffalo, on the 26-yard-line.
“Okay, the ball isn’t in play, right? All this guy has to do is to wait; now is that so hard? Why can’t he just wait, I ask you? Let’s say the stadium is packed: 60 thousand fans; every television in the world is tuned in and they’re all waiting, so why can’t he?
“So this guy is sitting at the airport; the ball is on the 26; the ball is not in play; the only thing in play – moving — in the whole universe is the second hand, and this guy jumps up; of all the people in the world, a NAVY football player moves when he shouldn’t have. He knew he shouldn’t move; his coach knew; the zebras* knew; all the players knew; and yet he moved. So if anyone ever wondered why Navy ships hit stuff and get hit by other ships and really mess up, wonder no more. Never wonder again; never ask, ‘How could this have happened?’ Because now we know, don’t we?
“And some day, in the not-too-distant future, another Navy ship will set sail, leave the pier and go out to sea and come back with sailors dead and missing and a captain disgraced, all because, while the rest of the world was patient, he, and he alone, jumped the gun. And here’s my train. Bye.”
“Just in time for another commercial.”
“LOOKING FOR LOVE” (3:38)
“I guess he was a wee bit upset that Navy lost to Army. Okay, who is next in line?”
“I am and, before you ask the ‘Question of the Day,’ I want to say that the news is the ‘Uranium One’ story and not old men hitting on young women. It’s misdirection; it’s much ado about nothing substituting for real concerns, like inflation and getting killed.”
“Okay, that’s nice. What’s your name and what do you do for a living?”
“My name is Alice and I’m an assistant manager at that bank over there.”
“So you’re a bank teller.”
“Yes, I’m an underpaid bank teller and if I’d go on welfare I’d be bringing home more money than I do now. The system favors the conniving, the cheats, DACA, and all the other low-life sleazes that steal from the honest American taxpayer: so much for the concepts of honor and integrity. Letting some sweat and toil while a definitive segment of our population sip Colt 45 at 8:00 in the morning is the ‘life lesson’ they’ve been teaching the subsequent generations for, well, generations. Sorry, I must get to work. Goodbye.”
“Goodbye and sorry for being rude. Break time.”
“Irish Lullaby” (3:35)
“Alright. Read a letter? One? Here goes:
Dear Roving:
I like your stories. Are they true? Were you really chased by a shark?
Please have the fortuneteller on more often.
Say hello to the Talking Dog for me.
Enjoyable Viewer,
Lucy
—————
Dear Lucy:
Some of the stories are true; some are based on real events; some are embellished but all have a kernel of fact to them, unless stated otherwise.
And, yes, a real big live shark followed me around Grande Island, Subic Bay, Mindanao, Philippines, as I was water skiing but I think it was just curious because if it wanted to attack me it sure could’ve.
And I’ll be sure to say hello to the Talking Dog.
Sincerely,
Roving Reporter (RR)
———————–
“I’m sorry but Molly, our sound-boom operator, is gesturing me to sign off and so, on behalf of the crew, I’ll be wishing all a goodnight: Goodnight.
“Good show. I’ve never seen anyone so ticked over a football game. Burger time: my treat.”
[*zebra: referee, so-called because of their black and white striped shirts.]
“What Was I Thinking” (3:50)
I think everyone needs to relax about all this environmental business because the Jeannie is out of the bottle in a couple areas.
One is battery technology. Testing is underway with sodium batteries that can potentially move a car for 500 miles and take 5 minutes to recharge. This can make a major leap in transportation tech.
Another is the carbon diamond battery technology that is posed to exceed the sodium battery tech and can be even less expensive. I think soon we will see a huge transformation in electric power if this battery issue can be made commercially viable and I don’t think the oil companies or politics can stop it. .