“HE DESERTED HIS POST”
by OPOVV, ©2017
“Okay, let’s get to work. We’re back on the corner across from the railroad station where we interview people going about their daily routine. Hello, sir, care to be interviewed and be on TV? What’s your name and what do you do?”
“My name is Saint Peter and I welcome people through the Pearly Gates.”
“Sure you do. Is this a full-time job or just part-time? Any overtime?”
“Full-time and no overtime. I profile.”
“Good for you; no ‘political correctness nonsense’ for you, is there?”
“Can’t be; there’s too much at stake.”
“Ever make a mistake?”
“Not to my knowledge. Actually, the way it’s set up is that the people I interview are incapable of lying: it’s just not allowed; besides, we know all the answers anyway. For instance, if a single guy was seeing a married woman – and he knows she’s married – it bodes ill for him to adopt a posture of righteousness when I refuse him entry.
“Furthermore, if I ever did make a mistake, Mr. Lucifer would send them backup in a heartbeat. You see, the Devil has a ‘Taint’ hang-up. A person of integrity stuck down there would ruin his control over his domain. He doesn’t want people going around saying I made a mistake. They’d be forever pestering him to be sent upstairs and say stuff like they’re sorry and, if they had to do it all over again, they wouldn’t. The only saving grace would be keeping all the lawyers busy stuck in litigation, but I’m not sure if that would be good or bad.”
“I’m sure. By the way, what do they do down there all day?”
“I really don’t know but I hear tell all they do is ‘toil,’ but don’t ask me what that means; your guess is as good as mine.”
“Are there any animals down there?”
“Oh, no, we let all the animals in heaven: it’s automatic. You see, it’s the people who are the problem; you do believe me, don’t you?”
“Why wouldn’t I? Hey, what are you doing down here anyway? Aren’t you supposed to be up there, working?”
“There’s been a mistake: we were expecting that Army deserter, Bowe Bergdahl, would’ve faced a firing squad by now but he never showed. Very disappointing. So I’m down here to see what I can do to help speed him on his way to spend eternity down below.”
“No kidding?”
“No kidding. And now, I must go about my duties to see what strings I can pull to get that deserter in front of a firing squad, and I mean that: for real. Goodbye, and thank you for having me on your show.”
“My pleasure. Goodbye. Hmm, imagine that? We had the one and only St. Peter on our show. Just goes to show that truth is stranger than fiction. Excuse us, please, while we have a commercial.”
“Bad Moon Rising” (2:35)
“And you, sir, are you next in line?”
“That I am and I heard what St. Pete had to say and I agree with him 110%. Why, if you can’t trust the guy behind you to watch your back, then the whole cohesion of the military breaks down to nothing. The military is built on trust, did you know that? My uncle was in Vietnam and one time he had to use his wits to get out of a very bad situation. He laid out a virtually impossible plan, but it was so outrageous that the others, who were never in such an impossible situation before, went along with it.
“Their chance for success was just about zilch. It was too complicated, for one; for two they were outnumbered ten to one; and last, they didn’t know what the heck they were doing,* yet they went along with it; the plan worked and they all made it back. My uncle bragged about getting out of Vietnam without a scratch except for a few injuries and he regrets having ever turned down a Purple Heart because he would’ve been eligible to go to the head of the line at the VA.”
“That’s nice. By the way, care to introduce yourself to our audience?”
“Lucifer, but my friends call me ‘Luce.’”
“You’re kidding? Did you know that we just interviewed Saint Peter? There he is, just getting on that last car.”
“Yes, I see him, but I’ve never met him; it would be kind-of like mixing matter and anti-matter. Heck, if you think E=MC2 makes a big bang, you haven’t seen anything yet. Better that we two remain strangers.”
“So you’re him?”
“The one and only.”
“And you’re here to…?”
“Collect my next guest, I hope. After the trial of Bergdahl I’d have thought he’d be marched out and offered a last smoke and shot to death. I mean, he DESERTED HIS POST; like, what does it take? Let me ask you this: have Americans hit the bottom of the barrel? Just askin’ because it sure as, well, it sure as my home that you people just don’t have whatever it takes, at least not anymore, not like you had during World War II. Really, now, your country is ripe for the pickin’s so don’t be blaming the North Koreans or ISIS for your failures. That Muslim who killed those people on that bike path in New York the other day is still alive, if you were going to ask me for any proof.”
“Man, you do have one sick sense of humor.”
“Hey: lighten up: it’s my job. And here comes my train. Bye. See you around.”
“No, you won’t. And that’s our show, folks. And so, on behalf of the crew, I want to wish each and every one of you a goodnight: Goodnight.”
“(Your Love Keeps Lifting Me) Higher and Higher” (2:50)
