Why Senator McConnell is My Hero (RR)


by OPOVV, ©2017

(Aug. 31, 2017) — Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to ‘Pulse of the Nation,’ the ever-popular information show that (hopefully) entertains as well as educates. Hello, my name is Roving and I’ll be your host for this episode. What we do is waylay unsuspecting people, just like you, and ask them what their pet peeve is. As you can see, we’re back on our corner under the awning across the street from the railroad depot. Excuse me, sailor, care to be on ‘Pulse?’ We’re the…”

“‘…Ever-popular news show’: I heard your intro. Sure, I’ll be glad to be on.”

“You’re wearing a Navy uniform so I guess you’re in the Navy; either that or you’re too early for Halloween.”

“You mean like that lady who was wearing a burqa? I think you had her on last week or the week before. Well, you guessed right: I’m in the Navy; never seen a German submarine, so that’s my destination.”

“How long you been in?”

“Not long; couple of months.”

“How do you like it?”

“I don’t understand half the things they have us do. Oh, I know, it’s a ‘resocialization’ process but still…”

“How about giving us an example.”

“Okay, here’s one: like in Boot Camp  the DI comes in at 4:00 in the morning and bangs away at the GI can with a nightstick, of all things; makes one heck of a racket. So I say to him, ‘Hey, you, there, how ‘bout a little consideration? If God wanted us to wake up while it’s still dark outside, he would’ve given us night vision.’”

“How’d he take that?”

“He didn’t: kept on banging away. This is what I learned in Boot Camp: there’s no point in fighting the system. There’s the Navy way, the right way and the wrong way and there’s no relationship among them, so you might as well look the other way and do it the Navy way, because if you fight it you’re in for a hard time. I understand you were in the Navy; how’d you like it?”

“Other than having a knife at my throat once and a bunch of short people shooting at me, I enjoyed the travel, especially going through the Panama Canal.  I really enjoyed my vacations in Japan, the Philippines and Italy, but my favorite vacation spot has to be Hong Kong. And here comes a train: it wouldn’t be yours, by any chance? Oh, it is? Okay, thanks for talking with us. Enjoy your stint in the Navy: it’s an adventure: mine sure as heck was. Next, please. Hello, and you are?”

“Hey, Roving; name’s Jeff. How you doin’?”

“Fine, thanks. Anything you’d like to say to the folks in TV Land?”

“Well, matter of fact I do. I’d like to say, ‘Thank God for Mitch McConnell.‘”

“Okay, how ’bout letting the other shoe drop and tell us why you would say that?”

“Because this is how I figure it: we each go through life, day after day, and the only way, as far as I can see, how we judge ourselves is to compare ourselves with others. It’s like in school, when all of the kids in the neighborhood took the same class at the same time, so if you got a ‘C’ while everyone else got “A’s’ you knew something was out of kilter, right?”

“Okay: I understand that, but how does McConnell fit in to your explanation?”

“Easy: if I had his job there’s no way possible I would’ve messed it up as bad as he has, him and that character Paul Ryan. Look, they had seven years to get their house in order so when Trump became president on January 20 he should’ve signed all those bills the next day. Look, I’m a misfit: all I do is make mistakes, time after time, but never as bad as those two clowns have; trust me. The whole country is hanging by a thread because of the total incompetence of those two who are lot more messed-up than I’ll ever be, at least so far.

“And that’s it; that’s why I actually like people more messed-up that I am. I mean, I feel bad for McConnell, just like I feel bad for someone…wait: I was going to say I feel bad for someone who got a DUI but that’s not true. Let me say that the more McConnell and Ryan make matters worse, the better I feel, if that makes any sense.”

“It makes perfect sense, and, believe it or not, I agree with you. I’m sorry, but our time has expired and so, on behalf of the crew, let me wish each of you a good night.

“Good show. How in the heck is it possible to keep such an incompetent person in the Senate? Except if he was doing the party’s bidding and voted, not in the best interest of his constituents, but in the best interest of whoever was controlling McConnell’s vote. We ought to audit McConnell. Hey, burger time: my treat.”

I Started a Joke




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