Gun Control (RR)


by OPOVV, ©2017

What would Benjamin Franklin have said about the current economic crisis and politicians running for office?

(Aug. 12, 2017) — “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the news show that isn’t afraid to tackle controversial subjects. Hello, my name is Roving and I’ll be your host for this episode. Today’s question is: ‘What about gun control?’ For you first-time viewers, what we do is ask regular folks, just like yourselves, unless, of course, you’re a serial killer; child molester; Obot or a McCain and McConnell-lover and a few thousand-and-one other things that we go ballistic over, such as: the PLO and people who park in HANDICAPPED PARKING ONLY spaces; rude and obnoxious people; rude and obnoxious drivers; rude and obnoxious pundits; and others too numerous to mention, including tailgaters.

“For you regular viewers, we’re back under the awning across the street from the railroad station, and here comes our first customer…Oh? Sorry, I was told I’ve got to read a letter before we start, so do you mind handing me one, please? Thank you.


Dear Mr. Roving:

Why don’t you ever interview any bums?

Longtime Viewer


Because whenever a politician sees us they run.



“Okay, let’s get this show on the road. Excuse me, please, got time to be interviewed on ‘Pulse?’”

“Oh, look, Myrtle, it’s that Roving character from ‘Pulse of the Nation.’ Where’s that famous talking dog?”

“Look, if you’re from Iowa I’ve just got a splitting headache.”

“And what if we’re not?”

“Then what about gun control?”

“What about it?”

“You are from Iowa; I knew it! On your way, please; give regular folks a chance, if you would, please. Run along, now, to watch the little choo-choo train go around in circles. Off with you. Hello, what’s your name and what about gun control?”

“Martin, and I’m all for it. You see, you could say I’m in the business. Let my explain to you folks out there in TV land. See my attaché case? Guess what’s in it and I’ll give you $100.”

“Okay, you’re on: a change of threads from your three-piece suit to gangbanger costume, some weapons, a wet-apply tattoo kit, some gold chains and a pair of sneakers. How’d I do?”

“Man, how’d you know all that? Here’s the bread.”

“You said it yourself: ‘I’m in the business.’ So go ahead, tell us about it?”

“You serious? Okay, I’ll tell you. All we hear about is how dangerous being a cop is, right? Well, ever think about the guys who have to do the purse-snatching, muggings, dealing the drugs? No, I didn’t think so. Well, I’m for gun control 100%, that I can tell you.”

“For everyone?”

“Say what, do I look stupid to you?”

“No, no, no: I was just asking for the viewers, that’s all.”

“Well, alright, then. Now, as I was saying, take away the guns from ALL the other gangs and I guarantee that the murder rate would go right down to near zero; trust me. Let the cops keep their guns; fine with us. We ain’t got no grief with them; heck, we pay them enough. And who could blame them anyway? If they don’t take the money, someone else would, right?”

“I suppose.”

“Suppose away. Look, the world is made up of only two types of people: the givers and the takers. The giver feels good for giving and the taker feels good for letting the giver feel good, see? It’s a win-win for everyone. Most of the time — just about all of the time — the taker doesn’t need what the giver has to give; are you with me? But the taker takes it anyway; call it a gesture of goodwill.”

“I see; I see.”

“Good: then we’re on the same page; we’re in agreement: the meeting of the minds. And so, the answer to your question is, for sure, I’m for gun control as long as I get to keep mine. And those citizens who follow the law are left defenseless, which is a shame but makes my life a lot safer. And that’s my train.

“Oh, one last comment: Hitler took the guns away from the Germans, didn’t he? And look what happened to them. Those murdered by guns are overwhelmingly done by people who have no business owning guns: the lawbreakers. And, by the same token, those who are killed by lawbreakers wielding guns had no way to defend themselves: bats and knives don’t count as a viable defensive tool in a gun fight. Be prepared by being armed: I am. Nice talking with you. Bye.”

“Bye. Was that for real? But he had a real honest-to-goodness gangbanger outfit with the guns, shoes, wash-away ink stencils and he gave me the $100. Looked like a lawyer or a stockbroker; shows you never can tell, can you?

“Molly, our sound-boom operator, is giving me the sign to sign-off and so, on behalf of the crew, let me wish you all a goodnight: Goodnight.

“Man, that was a surprise: interviewed a real lawbreaker. Burger time: my treat.”

You Never Can Tell” 2:42


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