Madam Shylock Substitutes for Roving (RR)


by OPOVV , ©2017

(Aug. 8, 2017) — “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to ‘Pulse of the Nation.’ Roving is taking a well-deserved day off and I, Madam Shylock, have been asked to fill in as your hostess for tonight’s program. Since I watch the show, I know the format has been changed to a letter-reading segment at the top of the program, and since I’ve been a somewhat frequent guest, I’ve a few letters sent to me via the station. May I have one, please?

Thank you.


Dear Madam Shylock:

All of my friends have boyfriends except me. Please help me.



Dear Desperate:

Too bad. Most of my clients are women who are looking for a man. Well, to be entirely truthful, 99% of my clients are women looking for an honest man who won’t beat or cheat.

I charge $100 an hour, but to fill in some of that time I play a song for them which helps them quite a bit. Here’s the song:

Angel on My Shoulder” 2:19

My male clients are always asking for the winning LOTTO numbers or “how to get rich quick” schemes, and this is what I say to them: these are your choices:  you can go back to when you were ten years old knowing what you know now, or go back to when you were 45 years old with 50 million dollars.

So make every day count and do your best to make someone happy, which is the title of the song I play for them as they leave.

Make Someone Happy” 1:52

Good Luck,

Madam Shylock


“And while we’re waiting for our first person to interview, I must tell you a little about myself and how I got into the business of ‘reading’ people. When I was younger I got a job as a dealer in one of the casinos in Nevada and that’s when I found out I had the extraordinary skill to know what people are thinking, as far as telling the truth or not. I mean how they’re thinking; I mean to say whatever they are thinking is true or not.

“It’s like this: I’m at the grocery store and the wife asks the husband if he would like a tuna fish sandwich for lunch tomorrow and the husband says, ‘Sure thing.’ Well, no, he doesn’t want the tuna fish but I can’t read his mind; maybe he wants a burger, but I can tell the lie, with me?

“Well, to make a long story short, I quit my job as a dealer and became a full-time poker player and made out really good, and when I got enough money to move to Cassadaga, FL, to open my own Crystal Ball Emporium, I jumped at the chance. I haven’t been back to any bar or gambling establishment since. I have a conscience and, as such, sleep like a log. And I go to church, which I didn’t used to do, although I was raised in the church, if that makes any sense.

“Oh, and another thing. If I don’t like the customer I say that I’ve get a splitting headache and kick them out. I’m not going to waste my time and talent on unworthiness. And here’s our first customer. Hello, sir, care to be on ‘Pulse?’”

“You bet. I just heard you saying about not giving the time of day to worthless people, so how come Trump would have anyone, even remotely connected to the White House, ever have been associated with Obama and the Clintons? And that’s my train. Bye.”

“And here’s the next visitor. Mind telling us your name and what do you think about the mayor of Chicago?”

“My name is Pam and I don’t think much of Rahm Emanuel.  Why can’t politicians just do the job for which they were hired, and that is to protect the citizens? How does letting illegals continue to break the law every day help anyone? That’s what I’d like to know.”

“Excuse me, Pam, but I was just handed a note for us to skedaddle down to the church on Hawthorn, so off we go. Thanks for talking with us.

“And through the magic of editing, we find ourselves in the balcony of the church and the guest speaker just walked on the stage and is approaching the podium. Let’s listen in.”

“Hello, scholars. My name is Professor Professor Wert and I’ve just come back from the Middle East, Jerusalem in particular, where I learned that it was The Original Swamp that ordered Jesus’s death. I suppose the Romans thought up the torture all by themselves.

“Pardon me? I just got a question from the audience about my name. Here’s the thing: parents wanted a Professor so they named me ‘Professor,’ and then I became one, okay?

“Continuing: The Swamp had Jesus tortured and murdered, and for what? Big mistake, I think; I also think that Jesus should’ve smoked the whole lot of them, but then that’s my personal opinion.

“But this talk is about the dangers of The Swamp: the Swamp is akin to some mythological beast that’s out-of-control, and if you think for one nano-second that killing Jesus shows some evidence of rational thought and control, then you are a Muslim, or as dumb as one.

‘Thank you for attending my speech.”

“It’s over. And that’s it for the ‘Pulse.’ And so, on behalf of the crew, I’ll be wishing you all a goodnight: Goodnight.

“Good show; informative but short and to the point. And as Roving would say: ‘Burger time: my treat.’”

Puff the Magic Dragon” 3:27




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