“IF SOMETHING HAPPENS, WE’LL BE READY”
by OPOVV. ©2017
(Jul. 25, 2017) — “What are we doing?”
“You mean now?”
“No, I mean what are we doing starting in seven seconds?”
“Most people would’ve started their countdown from ten seconds, you know, like launching a rocket from the Cape But not you; you start from seven seconds. What, you in a hurry or something?”
“I’ll go along with the ‘or something.’ Look: we’ve been on station ever since oh-oh-dark when we crept up off-shore and now we’re going back and forth.”
“Let me give you a clue: when we steam north the starboard five-inch is manned, and when we steam south the port one is ready. And as an added bonus hint, the guns are loaded for bear.”
“We shooting bears?”
“Boy, are you ever dense. Look, when someone says that they’re ‘loaded for bear,’ it means they got the most firepower, or maybe almost the most, firepower they have: serious firepower.”
“Because bears are big.”
“And ferocious, so you want to do them in first punch. You wouldn’t want to give the bear the time to get mad at you; you want to end it right then and there.”
“So what are we doing?”
“We’re standing by.”
“No, we’re not: we’re moving like ten knots. If we were ‘standing by,’ as you say, we’d be stationary, wouldn’t we?”
“No, because even if we were, as you say, ‘stationary,’ we wouldn’t be because the water is always moving: trust me.”
“Because of the moon.”
“So someone paid attention in Boot Camp.”
“Now, as the Cardinal* would say, for the 3rd and last time: what are we doing?”
“We’re patrolling in case.”
“In case of what?”
“Anything; who knows?; in case something happens, and if something happens, we’ll be ready.”
“For what?”
“For bear.”
Interlude: “Running Bear“
“We never did any of this patrolling ‘ready for anything’ under president Obama.”
“That’s because he wasn’t ready for anything. Look, it doesn’t take a lot of brainpower to realize, early on, that Obama was the epitome of the definition of ‘not-even-ready-for-nothing.’ He was out of his league, just as Hillary was as Secretary of State: is it possible that Hillary’s cavalier handling of classified material led to the death of our Libyan Ambassador and three other Americans?”
“I suppose it’s possible.”
“And had she followed protocol set down by the rules of State on how to handle classified and secret material, then maybe Ambassador Stevens and the other Americans would still be alive.”
“So we’re patrolling ‘just in case?’”
“I’d go one step farther: we’re patrolling just in case our Commander-in-Chief wants us to do something. What I’m saying is our patrolling off the coast of, well, you know where we are, is not really a defensive measure as much as we’re the Joker up the sleeve — offensive — sort of thing.”
“But that’s cheating!”
“No, but it could mean the difference of winning and losing, of living or dying. The object is to win: losers go to the showers.”
“You mean like the showers in Auschwitz?”
“You got it. You want our Commander-in-Chief to have an unending supply of Jokers.”
“And we’re one of the Jokers?”
“You got it, kid.”
“So Trump’s the real deal?”
“None better.”
“You know, ever since Trump took over being the Commander-in-Chief, I’m wearing my uniform with pride for the first time since I joined up.”
“You and everyone else in the military. And as far as the Obama supporters: they’re just someones who you wouldn’t want to be watching your back; with me?”
“Got it.”
[Cardinal: a drinking game sailors play reciting a toast to Cardinal Puff, where the last line is: ‘To Cardinal Puff: for the third and last time, at which time the player downs the drink. Any infraction, regardless of how minor, the contestant must down the drink and start over.]