by OPOVV, ©2017

(Jul. 18, 2017) — “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to ‘The Pulse of the Nation,’ the one show that you can trust to hear the truth. What we do to fill the empty space between commercials is to interview our neighbors to learn their concerns of the day, which is why we’re standing under the awning on the corner across from the railroad station. We’ll start off the show by reading a letter from one of our viewers.

Dear Roving:

You don’t seem to travel around to different places anymore. Care to give an explanation?

A longtime admirer,



Dear Anita:

What can I say? My boss is cheap; besides, if I can’t fly without having my 4th Amendment rights violated, I’m staying away from commercial airports that are visited by Muslims, which is why our 4th Amendment rights are being violated in the first place.

It’s really sad when our elected representatives can’t seem to make the connection between planes blowing up or flying into buildings and Muslims.




“And look here: our first customer. Excuse me, sir, care to be interviewed on live TV?”

“Sounds like a plan; sure; go ahead.”

“I detect an accent; you here on vacation or something?”

“Vacation: yes. I vacation in your city to see what’s in your fine museums. Yesterday I saw a train set and a German U-Boat. Today I look at art. All fabulous. But your country is backwards in many ways, yes?”

“I’ll bite; yes.”

“Ah! Funny man: ‘I’ll bite.’ Never learned that one learning the English. How come all your utility lines above ground? What’s the matter? You like ice and tree limbs turning off your lights and heaters? Don’t get me wrong: I love America, but your railroads are like being back in the 1800s. And speaking of trains, here comes mine. Good day to you, sir.”

“And to you, too; enjoy your stay. He’s right, you know. In Europe they learned to bury stuff. Actually, when our interstate highway system was devised, it was suggested that one day a monorail train would occupy the divide between the opposing lanes.”

Interlude: “In the Mood

“That was nice. Our secretary chooses our songs, you know. And who do we have next?”

“Me. I’m Jane and I edit the portion of our newspaper that deals with ‘Helpful Hints.’

“I thought I’ve seen you before; you look better than your photo in the paper. Any helpful hints for us today?”

“Sure. Here’s one: spray a little WD-40 on the threads of a light bulb and you’ll never have any problem unscrewing it. So what’s the question of the day?”

“Tell us your pet peeve.”

“That’s an easy one: make it a requirement that all judges swear to uphold the Constitution of the United States; oh, wait, that’s already been done, hasn’t it?”

“That was good; thank you, Jane. Who’s next? Oh, look, everyone; it’s the General with his blackboard on wheels. How you doing, General?”

“I believe I earn a hand salute, soldier.”

“I’m out, General. Honorable Discharge and Good Conduct makes me an honest-to-goodness civilian. What you going to draw for us today?”

“Look and learn, civilian: I’m writing in big block letters the word ‘D-R-A-F-T,’ understand?”

“You mean like in ‘BEER?’ No, no, calm down. Your face is turning completely red. Look; I was just kidding around. You mean bring back the Draft and let’s have a citizen-soldier army once again; am I right?”

“Yes; yes, citizen-soldier army. Excuse me while I push my blackboard down the sidewalk to people who would appreciate me.”

“Wait a minute, would you? So the draft is important?”

“I think the draft is the key to patriotism, or certainly a vital ingredient of it all, don’t you agree, Mr. Roving?”

“Oh, I agree 100%. I think everybody should serve his country for at least two years; maybe then we could finally put an end to this love affair with Socialism.”

“Well-spoken, soldier. Now I’ll take my leave. Hand salute! Oh, that’s right: you’re a civilian. Well, then, goodbye.”

“Goodbye, General. Oh, hello; I suppose you’re next in line?”

“Yes, I am. Fast-moving line, by the way. And before you ask, I’m John and I have just been named the MC of this year’s awards ceremony.”

“Well, now, congratulations, John. MC of what ceremony, if you don’t mind my asking?”

“Oh, sorry. I’ll be the Master of Ceremony of the ‘Biggest Con-Man of the Year 2016.’ This will be our 9th show, by the way.”

“Eight shows in the can; that’s very good; you must be doing something right. Who were some of your previous winners?”

“Actually we’ve had only one winner: Barry Soetoro, aka Barrack Hussein Obama. But don’t ask me who the 9th winner is because I wouldn’t want to spill the beans and give anything away; our sponsors wouldn’t like that any too much, I’d think.”

“Probably not. Well, good luck with your 9th show, John. Bye. And there goes John. One more? Okay. Hello, and what’s going on with your life?”

“Look, Roving: see my hand? It’s not shaking, but that doesn’t mean I’m not shaking inside, now, does it? Well, does it?”

“No; no, of course not. You seem to be a little off-kilter; maybe a little bit wired?”

“That’s not the half of it. Now listen: phones.”

“Phones? You mean those little gadgets that people use to talk to one another? Is that what you mean?”

“What else would I mean? Of course I’m talking about phones; phones that people don’t use. So you’d think that if a repairman is supposed to show up at 9:00 a.m. and they can’t make it ’til the next day they’d at least call, wouldn’t you think? But no; that would be too much trouble, wouldn’t it?”

“Okay, off you go. Molly will give you a nice cup of hot coffee or maybe show you where the General wandered off to. Last one? Hello there; what’s your name and what’s bugging you today?”

“You want a list? I want to know what happened to people’s brains, like how come Rachel Maddow collects a paycheck? Does that mean her boss is dumber than she is?And what about the CEOs of the companies that advertise on her program? Are they as dumb, dumber, or not quite as dumb?

“Truthfully? I’d have to go with the ‘as dumb.’ Anything else on that list of yours?”

“Here, look: it’s a list of all the people who’ve been murdered since Obama and Hillary came on the scene. I especially like the ones who were found with ‘two bullet holes in the back of the head’ yet were ruled as suicides by the coroner. And if you don’t believe me, check it out for yourself. Hey, there’s my train. Got to go.”

“Bye. Well, folks, our time has expired. Looks like we’ve got to bury our wires and people who had anything to do with the Clinton Foundation are dying of natural causes. It would be funny if it weren’t for our Republic being under direct attack from people who have no love lost for whatever gets in their way. But if we think it’s bad now, just try to imagine how bad it would’ve been had Hillary been elected: body-bag stock would go through the roof.

“And now, on behalf of the crew, I’d like to wish each and every one of you a goodnight: Goodnight.

“Wow, he had the whole list. I had no idea that many people have had ‘accidents.’ Burger time: my treat.”

Long Black Train



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