“YOU’LL JUST HAVE TO SUFFER”
by OPOVV, ©2017
(Jul. 12, 2017) — “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the show that brings you what you ought to be hearing, ‘The Pulse of the Nation.’ Hello, there, my name is Roving and I’ll be your host, and for you first-time viewers, glad to have you. We’ve been invited to a government building downtown and have been escorted to the 5th floor and are in the office of Sandra Nicks.
“Well, here we are, Sandra Nicks, and may I ask why we’re here? What important information do you wish to bestow on us?”
“Hello, Mr. Roving and crew, and another hello to all of you viewers out there in television land. You’re here to witness the grand opening of a government department in charge of the adverse effects of withdrawals. No, that’s not quite right; let me start again: there are withdrawals and then there are withdrawals, if you see what I mean.”
“Lady, you lost us back at the pass. Withdrawals from what? Booze? Heroin? What?”
“Well, that’s just it: we don’t know yet. What I mean to say is that we’re here to help people, an one as long as you are a citizen and have a clean record. We prefer Veterans, by the way. Here, why don’t you sit in on our first customer?”
“Don’t mind if we do.”
“Hello, and welcome to ‘Government Withdrawal Services.’ How may we help you?”
“Well, I don’t rightly know. You see, I read about all of these programs about addiction, but mostly it’s people breaking the law and then you help them; or about people almost breaking the law. Either way, they seem to be mighty gone before you lift a finger; isn’t that right?”
“But of course, and that’s why we’re here. How can we help you?”
“Well, you see, before I got married I always had plenty of money and I had a really enjoyable hobby: my car. Actually, I had a hot rod, a street machine that I had no business driving on the street since it was more of a race car than a street car, but that was the fun of it, don’t you see?”
“No, frankly, I don’t. You probably had a loud car and laid rubber at every opportunity.”
“You bet. But then I got married and the car went by the wayside. Let me tell you something: for the past 30+ years I’ve been looking for that extra gear but it’s not there, see what I mean? If I drive a stick-shift I always want to shift one more time, for the power; not the number of shifts. And if I’m driving an automatic I just sit there and wait for that last shift, the shift that never comes. Very disappointing to the point, now, that it’s become nerve-wracking.”
“I don’t have a clue what you’re talking about.”
“Lady, I’m trying to tell you: I’m having Hot Rod Withdrawals and it isn’t easy. You said you could help; at least that’s what I read. You help illegal immigrants and hand out citizenship papers to Muslims from Syria in a heartbeat, but what about me? I want my hot rod back and I want the government to help me get it. I’ll pay for some of it and do the work, but what about my withdrawals? Don’t I count?”
“Frivolous, I’m sorry to say. We only have so much in our budget, you know. I’m sorry; you’ll just have to suffer. Good day to you and to you too, Roving and crew and television viewers. Before we’ll help, you have to be one of our enemies. There’s lots of Obama and Hillary supporters left in the government and even though Trump is the president, it doesn’t mean we have to help him. Good day to you.”
“Gee-whiz, lady, that was rude. All the guy was doing was asking for help. And I know exactly what he was talking about and I feel for him because I have the same Hot Rod Withdrawal symptoms and it’s not a piece of cake, that I can tell you.
“Reminds me about a premise of a movie that the United States helps its enemies more than it helps its friends: ‘The Mouse that Roared‘.
“I see that our time is up and so, on behalf of the crew, I’d like to wish you all a goodnight: Goodnight.
“Stupid show; heck with it. Burger time: my treat.”