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“YOU CAN’T EXPECT THE GOVERNMENT TO POLICE ITSELF”
by OPOVV, ©2017
(Apr. 29, 2017) — “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to ‘Pulse of the Nation,’ the evening news show that just lays it on the line. Hello, I’m your Roving Reporter who will be your host for this evening’s show. What came over the wire this afternoon knocked my socks off, so I knew I had to get on it right away. We’re at the university, in Professor Zorkophsky’s office, to find out the straight skinny.
“Hello, Professor, and thank you for agreeing to be on ‘Pulse’ on such short notice.”
“Please, Roving, call me ‘Zork.’”
“’Zork’ it is. Okay, what’s this scuttlebutt all about, you being nominated for a cabinet post? What post and what will you do?”
“Actually, Roving, I’ve already written it; in other words, it’s a done deal. Here, allow me to explain:
“Around 20 years ago we were having one serious problem with the medical industry ripping taxpayers off through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. At the same time, Food Stamp fraud was at record highs, you with me? And – get this – the MS-13 gang was well-entrenched in every crime you could think of all over our country. Okay, so here’s the synopsis of my thesis: first-off, you can’t expect the fox to be in charge of the chicken coop.”
“You can’t expect the government to police itself; there’s just too many holes in the bucket. So, here’s what I suggested: put MS-13 in charge. First of all, they know their days are numbered about being deported, right? Second, we know that they’re capable; and, thirdly, we’ll make them motivated.”
“Well, so far it sounds okay. So what do they do?”
“We hire them to go after the Food Stamp cheats; we send them after the crooked doctors; we give them carte blanche to go after the thieves. We give them cards that they design themselves, something along the line of ‘MS-13 HAS YOUR NUMBER, BRO,’ to pass out along the way.
“And here’s the kicker: the money that they recover, they keep half. That’s right, half. Food Stamp fraud is easily worth $800 million: they keep half. Healthcare fraud is in the billions: they keep half of it and move out.”
“Wait, let me see if I understand this. MS-13 is earmarked to be deported, but rather than the government rounding them all up and deporting them, they deport themselves, right so far?”
“But the only way they’ll deport themselves is to make it worthwhile for them, to make it profitable for them, right?”
“Right on. Now, the thing about it is that the difference in expenditure – time-wise — between the current MS-13 money-making ventures is peanuts compared to going after the Food Stamp and Medicare and Medicaid cheats. I mean, let’s say a MS-13 dude traffics females and deals drugs, okay? He makes, say, after expenses and if he doesn’t get wasted by a rival gang or arrested by the police and deported, $20,000 a month, if he doesn’t get ripped off, right?”
“Now, let’s say he spends the same amount of time, with no worries about the police or rival gangs, or being ripped off, and he makes $200,000 a month OR MORE. So maybe he catches a doctor who has been ripping off the system for ten years and he discovers a Swiss bank account of $10 million; he exposes the crooked doctor to the government, collects his $5 million and moves back home, no questions asked.”
“What’s the catch?”
“The MS-13 dudes have to be honest with the government. No more drugs and guns and human trafficking. No more illegal stuff. They expose the thieves, keep half, and move back home rich beyond belief with, and this is the icing on the cake: free as a bird; no outstanding warrants; all is forgiven; you help us and we’ll help you; just leave with the money and stay away.
“Okay, maybe I sugar-coated it a tad much, but still a gangbanger would be better off doing it my way than to live a life that has no future, right? Either work with the government with the chance of a payday and a pardon or get deported with nothing.”
“Right on. And with that note, I’ll be saying thank-you for watching and so, on behalf of the crew, I’ll be wishing you all a goodnight: Goodnight.
“You know what, Zork, if the government could trust MS-13 to do the job without killing anybody and if the government would split the ill-gotten gains 50/50, I believe it would work. It be a WIN-WIN-WIN, wouldn’t it? So that’s why the government is interested in you? Wow. Hey, burger time: my treat.”