CAN EVERY MILITARY MEMBER “CUT THE MUSTARD?”
by OPOVV, ©2017
(Jan. 14, 2017) — “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to yet another exciting episode of ‘Pulse of the Nation.’ Taking advantage of the weather, we’re under our umbrella on the corner across from the railroad station. We conduct impromptu street interviews on people just like you.
“Excuse me, sir, got time for a question?”
“Oh, sure, Roving. Wife and I watch your show with our two dogs. Dogs howl whenever they see that talking dog.”
“Actually, the dog doesn’t talk, at least not in English, or even in Spanish.”
“Oh, I didn’t know that. I fear my furry friends will be very disappointed.”
“Don’t tell them.”
“Yes, I suppose I can do that. What’s the question?”
“Mind telling us what you do for a living?”
“Not at all. The company I work for is called ‘You Wouldn’t Believe It.’”
“No kidding? I don’t believe it.”
“I knew you’d say that. What we do is devise aptitude tests for businesses, and before you ask, I’ll explain. If you want to call it an intelligence test, be my guest. You see, in this day of rampant stupidity worn openly, businesses fear, more than anything else, being tagged as ‘conservative’ in any manner, including fiscally conservative. So we get requests on who to hire and how they can tell the differences between job applicants.
“Three years ago we hit the lowest common denominator, and let me explain how we arrived at it. I’m not going to say the names of the liberal companies, but they wanted all their employees on the same page, so here’s what we did.
“We sent Elizabeth Warren an aptitude/intelligence test, which she dutifully filled out. I think we disguised it as an application to circumvent slum-lord fines. Anyway, we used her answers to screen what the companies were looking for.
“Just as an aside, I asked my neighbor’s eight-year-old daughter to take the test and she scored higher than Warren did; pretty funny, don’t you think?
“Anyway, that’s what I do for a living, and business is unbelievable. We’re running 24/7, when we used to operate on a 40-hour week. Oh, sorry: since Trump got elected. And here comes my train. Bye.”
“Goodbye, and thanks for talking with us. Are you next in line? And what are you up to today? The Art Institute? Good for you. What about you? Oh, you’re really going to enjoy it. Bye. They’re going to see the train layout. And look, folks, it’s our very own Vietnam Vet with the talking dog.”
“Hey, how are you doing, Roving? Hi, there, sound-boom and camera people, too. Oh, nothing much, just on our way to the dog park. Yes, as a matter of fact I did catch some of ‘Mad Dog’ Mattis’s testimony.
“Me? I would’ve said no queers and no women on ships, but then that’s me. And yes, I actually was in a fight for my life; no big deal, but at least I never had to think twice about watching my back or taking undue concern for someone who maybe couldn’t cut the mustard.
“Look, if you have any questions about the next guy it’s way too late to be asking those questions when the lead starts to fly. The weapon I lugged around weighed 33 pounds without the ammo, but I was young once so it was no big deal. At first I thought it was an honor and I took to it, but it didn’t take long before I realized that maybe it wasn’t such an ‘honor’ after all.
“How long? Not quite half a second. It seemed that the bad guys had only one target and I was it. No, I was wrong: sorry: far less than half a second: even before immediately, maybe going all the way back to when I raised my hand to take the Oath. At least that’s what it felt like, going through my mind. Why, I had a lifetime of thoughts racing around inside my head when the first bullet that had my name on it was aimed my way, even if it may have just been in the general vicinity.
“And I never got beyond the ‘personalized’ aspect of it all. I mean, they were trying to kill me; at least that’s how it starts, and then it morphed into I was going to kill them, or at least shut them up. I always took it to a very visceral level. Heck, I even gave them names. No, I’m not going to tell you the names I gave them: many times it was just cuss words. Look, the dog wants to get moving. Me, too. Nice talking with you. Bye.
“Oh, my watch, the one that tells the time after the hour and then at the half-hour, tells the time to the hour? Going pretty slow. Bye. Say ‘Bark,’ Ginger.”
“Bark.”
“Our time is up, folks, and I’d like to thank you for watching, and so, on behalf of the crew, I’d like to wish you all a goodnight: Goodnight.
“Burger time: my treat.”