“MAYBE WE’LL HEAR THE TRUTH”
by OPOVV, ©2016
(Nov. 29, 2016) — “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to ‘Pulse of the Nation,’ the show that lets you know what’s on your neighbor’s mind. We interview strangers such as this man just walking down the sidewalk minding his own business. Excuse me, sir, got time to be on TV?”
“Oh, hello, I recognize you. You’re that Mr. Roving reporter. You mean I’m on television? Live?”
“Kind-of live. We record in the morning, then it’s back to the studio to do the editing and that’s our day, with exceptions, of course.”
“Oh, yes. I remember. You once had a show about some Armadillos from outer space*. Was that on the up-and-up?”
“My lips are sealed. Let me ask you a question: what do you do for a living?”
“I’m what you call a ‘monitor.’ I monitor.”
“That’s very interesting. What, by the way, do you monitor?”
“It would be a lot easier if you’d come by the office tonight and I’ll show you. You won’t be disappointed, of this I assure you.”
“Now you’ve got me curious. Yes, we can do that, can’t we, crew?”
“Oh no, can’t have the whole crew. Just you, Mr. Roving.”
“Okay, you got it, but the crew and I are are a team. See you then. This your card with all the info: ‘Guardians of the Truth’? This some kind of religious order? Are you a monk or something? Okay; okay: come by tonight and all my questions will be answered. Great.
“Do we have time to fit in one more? We do?
“Excuse me, Miss, I’ve seen you before, haven’t I?”
“Twice, and you know it. You’re about as subtle as my ex-husband. Even though he lived practically across the country I’d swear I’d see him out of the corner of my eye every once in a while. What’s the question of the day?”
“Why do you think Mitt Romney will be a great Secretary of State?”
“He wouldn’t, but he’d be a great snake-in-the-grass. And that’s my train. Bye.”
“Goodbye.
“And all that was recorded this morning and now we’re live, really live, coming to you in real time with none of this five-second delay. We’re at a door of a large warehouse in an industrial park near the docks and there’s not a soul around but my crew.
“I hear some scratching on the other side of the door. Yes, it’s opening and here’s the monk. Hello, never did get your name.”
“’Monk’ will suffice; make that ‘Mr. Monk.’ Please, come in and don these protective suits. Careful you don’t tear them; they’re throwaways but they do the trick. We must maintain a certain measure of professionalism that is in keeping with the importance of what we’re protecting. Follow me when you’re ready.
“You can record everything and reveal all, except, of course, our location. ‘Warehouse’ and ‘docks’ is as far as you can go. Now we go for an elevator ride. I can’t tell you how far down we’ll go – even I don’t have that information – we’ll be there shortly, but first we’ll get into yet another elevator and do it all over again.
“And we’ve arrived! Now, before we enter the chamber you are to not touch anything nor make any sudden moves. The guards are highly strung and wouldn’t hesitate to shoot if any of you made any sudden moves. I’m sorry if I’m repeating myself, but what you are about to see is more precious than even Jesus’s Chalice, believe it or not.
“Ready? And now through the door! What do you say, Mr. Roving? Ever see anything so glorious?”
“Why, it’s an apple cart, isn’t it? Just a regular old apple cart. Why, it doesn’t even have any gold on it.”
“Yes, it’s a regular old apple cart, but more than that: it’s the original apple cart from the GARDEN of EDEN!”
“You’re kidding?”
“Never.”
“So you’re saying the Snake ran the apple cart concession in the Garden? And this is the very same cart?”
“Yes! And we guard it with deadly force, night and day!”
“But why?”
“’Why’? So no one upsets it, is why. Look, there’s only two things we need from Trump: how much gold do we, the citizens of the United States, have in Fort Knox and the condition of the apple cart. As you can see, the apple cart is NOT upset, as of now, but will be unless Trump deports the invading army that the mainstream media refers to as ‘Muslim migrants.’
“So, as you can plainly see, the apple cart is not yet upset, but if you look closely, it seems to be leaning to the left a little bit and with every Muslim that Obama and the DHS bring in to our country, it leans a little bit more every day. The information that we require is how much gold do we have stashed away, or are we really as broke as we say. I used to tell my ex-wife that I didn’t have any money when, in fact, I had more than she could even imagine: I had my parents keep it in safe deposit boxes.
“But I digress: here is the apple cart. Spread the word: it’s okay but tipping. Fort Knox: maybe we’ll hear the Truth during Trump’s first State of the Union Address And now our time is up, so up we go to the exit.
“Thank you for your discretion. Goodbye.”
“And goodbye to you, Mr. Monk. Wow! Was that a trip or what: the original apple cart. He posed a good question: how much gold does our country really have, if any? It wouldn’t surprise me in the least if Obama emptied our coffers, after all, isn’t that what sleazy dictators do: steal? Offshore slush fund accounts and all the rest. Anyway, that’s all the time we have for this show. On behalf of the crew I’ll be wishing you all a goodnight: Goodnight.
“Wow! Great show. Imagine: the original apple cart. Hey, we passed a burger joint on the way in: my treat.”
[OPOVV worked as sports writer; editor for a newspaper; ghost writer for a Federal judge; and former presidential candidate.]