“THINKING OUTSIDE THE BOX”
by Chief New Leaf, ©2016
(Oct. 4, 2016) — “Look, all I’m saying is that guard duty is the same all over and it doesn’t make any difference when or where; I’m including Star Wars.”
“If you’re including Star Wars then I’m including some Star Date on the Enterprise.”
“Geez, can you possibly think outside the box for once?”
“What box? I don’t see any box; do you see a box?”
“Yes, and it’s made of pine and it gets buried and you’re in it. Look, let’s try and finish this guard duty without shooting one another.”
“You were thinking of shooting me?”
“Gee, now, there’s a thought. Okay, I wasn’t really of thinking of shooting you, but if you were to get taken out right about now, I wouldn’t shed any tears over it. I’d celebrate, is what I’d do. You know that suggestion box they got in the chow hall? I’d drop in a suggestion that we declare a holiday and have a parade with cake and ice cream, party favors, music; fly some women in.”
“Fat chance. First, there’s no freezer for the ice cream. Second, the Muslim hordes outside this perimeter wire would go bananas if they knew we had women here, especially without stupid scarfs and wearing mattress sacks.”
“Last time: now listen: this is called a conversation. I talk about a subject and you comment on it.”
“I was commenting.”
“No, you were being what we call ‘obstinate,’ which means you weren’t listening. All I was saying was that during the Trojan War they had guards just like us, except they didn’t have night vision and rifles, and then you said something really stupid like, ‘Why didn’t they have night vision; could they see in the dark?’ and that’s when I decided to shut you up once and for all. And then I mentioned Star Wars because of that Star War poster you have in your locker, see?”
“You don’t have to get so uptight about it.”
“Oh, yes I do. You know what the difference is between you and me? I think about stuff, whereas you never think. You just sit there and take it. Why, you actually think the Army knows what it’s doing.”
“Don’t you?”
“Look, the last time the United States Army knew what it was doing was when they gave General George S. Patton an army and said, ‘Go win the war.’ Last time, trust me.”
“It’s like that word you used: ‘obstinate.’ People don’t use words like that.”
“You’re a moron, did you know that? I just used it, and then you did. See, I know what’s going on. They put you with me so I’ll be dragged down to the lowest common denominator, just like in Affirmative Action. I’m not biting; I’ll have none of it. If we ever have guard duty again I’ll bring a roll of duct tape: either I’ll tape your mouth shut or tape my ears closed.”
“You’re not very polite.”
“Did I hear you say ‘polite?’ Wow, the PFC used a big word, I wonder what it means. No more talking. I’ll play a game of chess with my subconscious. Leave me alone. ‘There must be some way out of here, said the Joker to the Thief.*’ Do you think the Thief is ‘Father Time?””
“I wouldn’t know; I’m not Catholic.”
“That did it. No more talking. I’m serious. I’m asking for a transfer; extra duty; I’ll volunteer for anything, but I can’t take any of this anymore. See, I know you voted for Hillary via your absentee ballot because I heard you tell Miller you did. Some day you ought to listen to Bob Dylan’s song, ‘All Along the Watchtower,*’ and maybe it’ll make you think for once in your life. Maybe Hillary’s lying will finally mean something to you, like being responsible for the death of Ambassador Stevens. And here come our replacements, so you get yourself a reprieve.”
[*”All Along the Watchtower.” Written by Bob Dylan; performed by Jimi Hendrix.]
FINI
Chief New Leaf