“SERGEANT OF THE GUARD”
by OPOVV, ©2016
(Aug. 11, 2016) — “I’m telling you I don’t like it. Why don’t we carry around neon-lit arrows pointing down right at our heads? Different rates and ranks will go around carrying different colored-lit arrows. Look, I’ve been thinking abut this and if it’s approved I’ll get in on the ground floor and make a killing; no pun intended, of this I assure you.”
“We could have different lit helmets. Hey, what color are we, lowly PFC’s?”
“We’re brown, what you’d think? Top brass is orange. When the Secretary of Defense or a politician visits us we give them a gold one that looks like yellow but we tell them it’s gold.”
“But it’s really yellow?”
“Really yellow. Sergeants are purple; captains blue; majors red; lieutenant colonels black; full birds pink.”
“Why are LT Colonels black? How do you see black? I don’t think I’ve ever seen a black neon light.”
“LT Colonels are black because they seem to be the only ones with brains in this man’s outfit. They wear combat gear, but it’s not lit, okay? We want to be sensible about this, don’t we?”
“Oh, sure, sensible. Let me ask you this: if you’re on guard, I mean awake, it’s ‘ON,’ right? What about when we’re up here — for God knows what reason – and we’re zonked-out, do we have to leave it on?”
“No, of course not. When you’re not actually looking for bad guys you don’t have it on.”
“What about eating chow?”
“What about looking at the stars?”
“Enough! Now don’t you all go stupid on me; I was just thinking that as long as we’re over here just to be targets we might as well make it easy for them.”
“I got it! We wear inflatable ‘Duck Suits.’ Or maybe ‘Duck Hats.’ Hats that have a little battery and can move their wings; maybe ‘HONK,’ too.”
“Listen: ‘Duck Combat Helmet with Articulating Wings with Optional Imitation Duck Sound.’ With lights, of course.”
“And when it becomes agitated or ticked-off it flashes and honks louder than usual.”
“What if it rains?”
“The wings fold out and acts as a portable lean-to. And if the batteries go out you have this crank gadget that provides the needed power.”
“Look, Williams, I don’t like these Rules of Engagement one bit, okay?”
“If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you twice: I’m not ‘Williams’: I’m ‘Sergeant of the Guard.’”
“We made rate the same day, Sergeant of the Guard.”
“That’s more like it.”
“Well, we all listened to your reading of the stupid rules so I’m telling you if I see something out there moving that looks suspicious, and the heck with this ‘Stop and be identified’ idiocy.”
“I couldn’t agree with you more but. Nonetheless – or is it ‘nevertheless’? – you got your orders.”
“Yeah: orders to die by.”
“Anyway: keep your eyes peeled.”