by OPOVV, ©2016
“Professor Professor, don’t you remember? My parents wanted their child to be a ‘professor’ so they named me ‘Professor.’ Just so happens I became one, that’s all.”
“Okay; makes sense. Makes perfect sense, especially after the nuts we seem to attract when doing our on-the-street-corner interviews. Getting back on track, I’ve heard you’ve some sort of new foreign-policy guidelines in the works. Mind sharing some of it with our viewers?”
“Not at all; be glad to. I got the idea from raising my kid. When he was like a little over two years old – maybe 2½ — I’d tell him to keep off the street; so what he’d do was to go to the edge and stand on his right leg and wave his left leg out over the street, all the while looking at me. And then sometimes he’d touch the street with his left toe, just to see what I’d do.
“Drove me bonkers. See, he was testing me, but I wasn’t in any mood to be ‘tested,’ because the end game of his childish shenanigans was to be run over and killed. No second chance. Done deal.
“Which got me to thinking about these Third World cesspools getting the bomb and, you guessed it, acting like two-year-olds putting their toe on the forbidden road.”
“Well, okay. And then what?”
“We treat them – Third World countries — as the two-year-olds that they are, is what. We go in and take their adult toys away, is what we do. And if, by chance, they complain, we make it very clear to them that ‘to pout,’ ‘to whine,’ ‘to cry,’ and to have a ‘temper tantrum’ will not only fall on deaf ears, but will also get them spanked in the process.”
“Did you say ‘spanked?’”
“As in bombs or trade sanctions, or both.”
“Bombs? What kind of bombs?”
“Whatever it takes.”
“So nuclear devices are on the table?”
“Always. Look: every US Navy man-o-war has nukes, just as every sub, and just as any bomber, can be equipped with them. Heck, what do you think the B-1 bomber was built for? Its sole purpose of existence is to deliver a nuclear warhead on target.”
“But the B-1 can carry conventional bombs, right?”
“Yes, and with great success. The problem with weapons is that it takes the money to manufacture them out of the loop; out of the system; out of the economic equation that works as long as the money flows, as long as trade doesn’t suffer, and as long as everyone is on a level playing field.
“You see, weapons are a great item to make and to sell, but most – and I’ve just changed the subject, from weapons to ammo – bullets, once made, don’t usually get melted down to make plowshares.
“But we’re getting sidelined. Look, bottom line? Nuclear devices and their accompanying delivery systems are prohibitively astronomically expensive. And then some backwater Third World country gets the Bomb and uses a Toyota pickup truck as its billion-dollar B-2 substitute.
“So we go in and take their nukes away for two darn good reasons; 1) safety and, 2) economically beneficial for the Third World country. Birth control pills vs. weapons; fresh water wells or an inflated budget for a human rights abusive secret police force, operating unto a law of its own.”
“So we’d be doing them a favor?”
“Sure; after all, we’re the good guys. No, really, these rogue nations, such as Iran, have no business associating with civilized countries. We probably should tolerate them up to a point but, after all, when all’s said and done, if Iran fell off the face of the earth, big deal.”
“But there’s a lot of good people in these cesspools.”
“Of course. Take Iran, for example. Just after our de facto embarrassment of a president got elected, Iran was ripe for a takeover. We could’ve waltzed on in and kicked out the Ayatollahs. Could’ve; should’ve, but didn’t do squat.”
“So this stupid nuke deal with Iran could’ve been avoided?”
“You got it. We got a bunch of handicapped people in charge, is why.”
“Brain-challenged; can or two short of a six pack; your Elizabeth Warrens and Hillarys; Obama and the rest of the Muslim Brotherhood despicables.”
“Our time is about up. How about summarizing it all for us?”
“Sure; in a nutshell, we need to come down hard and fast on these countries which want to play with the grownups, but really shouldn’t because they’re deficient in the basic human traits of compassion and empathy. Going through life with the attitude of ‘Kill the Jews and Christians whenever and wherever Ye may find them’ is not conducive for recognition and acceptance in the real world.”
“So you’re saying they don’t live in the ‘real world,’ as you put it?”
“Not even close. They live in some sort of a land inhabited by people whose mental development never evolved past the ‘terrible twos.’”
“Thank you, Professor Professor, for your time. Well, that’s a wrap; thank you all for watching and, on behalf of the crew, I’ll be wishing you all a good night: Goodnight.”
“Good show, Professor Professor. What do you say you join us for some burgers? My treat.”