CAN ISLAM BE PEACEFUL?
by OPOVV, ©2016
(Mar. 26, 2016) — “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to ‘Pulse of the Nation,’ a show that exposes what the average American man and woman on the street are thinking these days. As you can see, we’re under our favorite corner across from the railroad station. We get an entirely different interviewee on weekends than we do on a work day; more tourists and families. Speaking of the devil, here comes a retired couple.
“Good morning. Roving Reporter here to waylay you; just joking. Got a minute for a question?”
“We know who you are. We get you on cable back home.”
“Dear, we don’t have ‘cable’; we have a satellite dish right next to the bird feeder in the back yard, the one that the woodpeckers and squirrels fight over.”
“You mean the tree rats? That one? When did we get a dish?”
“Last year, or don’t you remember?”
“Excuse me, please, let’s say we forget the birds and the tree rats, okay? I want to ask you what you’re doing in your retirement years, okay?”
“Okay, ask away.”
“I just did.”
“I thought you were going to ask questions. I told you about our squirrel problem.”
“We have a squirrel problem?”
“STOP! Listen: what are you doing in your retirement years, can you answer that?”
“Yes, we can answer that, can’t we, dear?”
“Yes, that would be okay.”
“Well?”
“Well what?”
“Answer the question or get on the next train and make like a leaf, please.”
“I get it. You want to know what we do in our retirement years, don’t you? We travel; we live off-the-grid; we’re RV people. We have an RV; 32’; bought used for $10,500. These primaries let us know which states to avoid: if Trump wins we visit. Too bad about Alaska; always wanted to go there.”
“We’re on our way to Canada.”
“Okay, then, off you go. Train station across the street, right over there. Off with you. Man, please don’t let me grow old. Here comes someone a little younger. Excuse me, got a minute?”
“Hey, look who’s here: Roving and crew. Ask your question. Wife likes your show, by the way.”
“How would you fix the ‘Muslim Problem’?”
“Good question. Did you know that there’s a direct relationship between the TSA and the Muslim population in our country? No Muslims equals no TSA. Simple, isn’t it?
“But to answer your question, here’s my idea: if you want to call Islam a ‘religion,’ you better face the facts, and one of the facts is that if you’re a Muslim you’re forever a Muslim; anyone who changes his mind and leaves Islam is automatically marked to be murdered. Like once a Muslim, always a Muslim, or a dead Muslim, if you get my drift.
“So how to, like, circumvent that stupid and antiquated, arbitrary, deadly rule is to do this: take the Qur`an and cross off all the passages that deal with killing Infidels: you know, ‘Kill the Jews and Christians wherever Ye may find them;’ that kind of stupid nonsense, alright?
“So they’re still using the ‘Book of Hate,’ but this time with all the ‘kill’ parts removed. It’s really short now, just a few pages: not even the ‘2 women to act as a witness if one man isn’t around’ in it.
“And here’s the neat part: now they call themselves Islamanitists, which are the followers of Islamanity, which are people who follow the ‘New Qur`an’, or the ‘Qur`an that has pages removed by Our Lord’.
“Anyway, that’s my idea to bring disenfranchised, insane people into the fold of humanity. Anyway, that’s my take on it.”
“And we thank you for it. And that’s our show for tonight. Thank you for watching. I understand that we’re now being broadcast in Japan, and that’s nice, but it would be a lot nicer if it would translate into a pay raise. Okay, that’s it, so on behalf of my crew I’ll be saying goodnight: Goodnight.”
“Hey, great show, you think? How about that retired couple? Remind me to bypass retirees in the future; they wasted half of our time, darn it. Hey, what do you say we treat ourselves to a burger and a shake? My treat.”