“THE RIGHT SIDE OF THE EQUATION”
by OPOVV, ©2016
(Mar. 15, 2016) — “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. We’re in the study of Professor Higman Henderson, the best-selling author of ‘Men Are Earthlings; Women Want New Washing Machines.’ Good evening, Professor, and thanks for being on ‘The Pulse of the Nation.’ By the way, how did your book do?”
“I’d rather not discuss my book, if you don’t mind. At first it flew off the shelves but then the reviews came out stating that it was written by, and I quote: ‘a Neanderthal macho-chauvinist pig.’ The nerve! They got bent out of shape from things like ‘The DNA of females makes them overload washing machines so the bearings wear at an accelerated rate.’”
“But that wasn’t all you wrote.”
“No, it wasn’t. Maybe I should’ve spent a little more time on ‘Balancing the Checkbook’ and ‘How to ask for directions without feeling like some wayward poor lost worm.’ I don’t know. My wife went to her mother’s and my daughter won’t talk to me. When I take the dog for a walk, all we hear is the sound of doors slamming. I must say, it’s been an educational experience.”
“I’ve heard rumors about Hollywood knocking on your door. Any truth in those stories?”
“Oh, yes, but the roadblock is that I want to be part of the Screenwriters Guild; I mean, I want some control.”
“Maybe you ought to take the money and run.”
“Funny. ‘Take the money.’ You know who ‘takes the money?’ The lawyers and then the soon-to-be ex-wife. Funny. No, I want to be a screenwriter in Hollywood so I can meet my future next ex-wife.”
“Forgive me for saying so, but you sound a little bitter.”
“Look, I said I didn’t want to talk about it and I don’t.”
“Right. So you have something to say about these protesters at these Trump political rallies, right?”
“Not quite, but close. You see, I wrote a new book about it titled ‘Stay Home if You Don’t Agree, Please.’ We look forward to doing very well.”
“Great title. What’s it about?”
“It’s about this mustard company trying to change its image by dying their yellow mustard blue.”
“No kidding?”
“No kidding. So they go nationwide with a Hollywood blonde bombshell pushing the yellow-colored mustard and a guy named ‘Mr. Blue’ pushing for the blue-colored mustard.”
“No kidding?”
“No kidding. Now the theme song for the yellow mustard is ‘Mellow Yellow’ by Donovan while the song for the blue mustard is, you guessed it, ‘Mr. Blue’ by the Fleetwoods.”
“No kidding? What’s the plot; I mean, what happens?”
“The yellows are the good people, okay? As in ‘Don’t we just love our yellow mustard?’ The blue mustard-lovers are the little-bit-too-far-out-there for the liking of rational thinking people, right? With me so far? So when the yellows hold a rally supporting yellow mustard the blues show up to disrupt the proceedings.”
“That’s it?”
“No, not quite. So when the blue supporters raid a yellow mustard rally the yellow mustard people spray the blue people with yellow dye to mark them as ‘Yellow’ you know, people with no backbone; people who can’t figure out what’s good for them; what’s really going on, see?”
“Ah, I get it. Clever. Sounds like it would make a good movie, too, or at least a play.”
“Well, first a book. So that’s it.”
“That’s it? That’s all? That’s what you called us for? To push your book?”
“No, no. It’s about these protesters at the Trump rallies. The point is that they have no business there, just as the blue mustard supporters have no business at the yellows’ rallies, and, for that matter, vice-versa, which there isn’t any.”
“Isn’t any?”
“None. Not at all. See, if you’re on the winning side; if you’re on the right side of the equation, you just let your platform speak for itself, which is why there’s no protesters from the yellows to the blues or, to put it in today’s terms, there’s no Trump protesters at any other presidential candidate’s rallies, including Bernie’s.
“You see, Trump wants jobs for Americans while Bernie wants Americans to be totally dependent on the government for everything: instead of working for the money to buy food, the government gives out Food Stamps; instead of having a house the government puts you in a ghetto; instead of reading the Harvard Classics the government will close libraries; instead of having the draft, the military will be made up of people who will blindly follow orders, any order. Just a sad state of affairs. And it’s late. That’s all I have to say on the subject. Buy the book. Goodnight.”
“Goodnight. Thanks. Well, you heard it and I hope you enjoyed it. That’s it for this show, so on behalf of my crew, I’ll be saying goodnight: Goodnight.”
“Some show, guys. Let’s go grab a burger. My treat.”