A PLAY
by OPOVV, ©2016
(Feb. 1, 2016) — The Players:
Siamese
Calico
Domestic Short Hair
Ally
Ming
ACT I
As the patrons are finding their seats and just prior to the rise of the curtain, Chopin’s Polonaise No. 6 in A-flat Major, Op. 53 is played.
The curtain rises to the sound of a faraway lonely train blowing its whistle. The lights are dim; stage rear a full moon is rising and slowly rises throughout the play. The five cats look like humans: each is attired as if they were cats wearing long coats. The setting is a suburban backyard lit by a Coleman lantern.
Ally: “Well, that’s exactly what the butcher’s cat told me: they pickle them and then eat them.”
Siamese: “Tell us that part again about the beheadings.”
Ming: “Not, for goodness sake. Hearing it once was enough and I for one believe it to be the straight skinny.”
Domestic Short Hair: “But what’s it all mean? Okay, let’s agree on the fact that what we heard here tonight is all factual, alright? Can we at least reach a consensus on accepting the facts as facts? Can we at least do that much?”
Ally: “We can do that.”
Domestic Short Hair: “Then what?”
Ming: “Simple: we list the transgressions.”
Ally: “All 1,400 years of it? No way. We got to start somewhere, where there’s a milestone that stands out, so the living can relate to it and actually remember first-hand and not have read about it in a history book. How about the Beirut bombing?”
Siamese: “No, too long ago, just like those African embassy bombings. Let’s agree on 9-11, okay?”
Calico: “Good job. I vote for 9-11, then we list all of the murders since.”
Ming: “But just the big ones, like the Bali Bar massacre and the India railway station and hotel.”
Calico: “Railway bombings in Spain.”
Domestic Short Hair: “London bus bombing.”
Ming: “No, no, it’s getting way too complicated. We got to keep it simple. Look, most Americans don’t read books: they check out movies from the library, not books, and if they ever do happen to check out a book, they make sure it’s not too long. They like few pages with large print. It has to do with their attention span.”
Siamese: “He’s right: Americans listen less to classical music compared to the rest of the world, supposedly due to their short attention span, although it’s not, like, carved on a stone tablet somewhere.”
Ally: “So that leaves the murders in the United States, but nobody remembers the Beltway Sniper or the beheading in Oklahoma.”
Siamese: “San Bernardino.”
Calico: “Fort Hood.”
Ming: “True. Then what do you say we list those that were on television?”
Domestic Short Hair: “There’s two for sure: 9-11 and the Boston Marathon bombing.”
Ming: “Maybe Fort hood.”
Ally: “That should do it. Are we okay on that?”
Calico: “I second it.”
Ally: “Done deal. So shall it be written.”
Curtain lowers.
End of ACT I
ACT II
Curtain rises to the sounds of crickets chirping. The back yard looks the same except for the addition of a card table, center stage, front.
Ming: “Gather ‘round. I got an idea I’d like to show you. Now I know this is a little off-track, but maybe we can learn from it.
“I designed a game along the lines of Monopoly in that you roll the dice and land on squares with instructions. Democrats get the dice with nothing but snake eyes while the Trump supporters get dice with nothing but boxcars.
“The object of the game is to make it just one time around the board and end up with as much money as you can. Each player starts off with $1,000.00.
“A Trump supporter rolls his dice and gets 12, so he moves his piece 12 places, which happens to land him in a bank where he sets up a savings and retirement account for $200.
“But since he rolled a double he gets to throw the dice again, and this time he lands at the Grand Canyon about to take a helicopter tour, which he paid out $100 for.
“He rolls again and lands at the finish line with $700 in his pocket and $200 in the bank.
“Now the Hilary/Sanders Obot Democrat/‘Hooray for Socialism’ rolls the dice and moves 2 squares and lands on ‘Community Service’: please draw a card: you owe an extra $100 for a property tax assessment increase due to the hiring of 20 new employees.
“The Democrat rolls again and lands on ‘Tax Man: you owe $100 for illegal immigrant students in your middle school for additional interpreters.’
“Obot’s next roll ends on ‘Adherence to Sharia Law: $200 for footbaths and prayer rooms at airports, train stations and bus depots.’
“Another roll of the dice lands the Democrat on the ‘Welfare’ square: ‘Due to the increase in the Welfare rolls, you owe $300. Automatically proceed to the ‘Food Stamp’ square.
“Welcome to the ‘Food Stamp Square: you owe $200. Thank you. According to the NSA, you’re broke. Automatically move to the ‘Federal Reserve Square.’
“Welcome to the ‘Federal Reserve Square’: you own somewhere in the neighborhood of $400,000 which, by the way, grows daily. Have a nice time trying to make it to the finish line. By the way, the time it took you to read these instructions the national debt just increased by 3 million per minute. Thanks, because without you we wouldn’t be living the ‘Life of Riley.’
Ming: “Well, what do you think of it?”
Domestic Short Hair: “I like it. Looks like a real ‘in-your-face’ teaching tool.”
Calico: “How much does it cost and how much can you sell it for?”
Ming: “My cost is $1.00 and I can sell it for maybe $5.00, but I don’t really know. I’d like to sell them to colleges and universities but somehow I think it would be banned.”
Siamese: “What do you call it?”
Ming: “I was thinking about calling it ‘Life in the Real World.’ What do you think?”
Ally: “That’ll work. We ought to set up tents for the voters to visit in front of the polling places: ‘Play ‘Life in the Real World’ for FREE!”
Curtain lowers to the sound of laughter
End of ACT II
ACT III
Curtain rises on a quiet stage, which is the same setting with the addition of a 1960 Corvette and a 1957 Chevy convertible, both in turquoise. The cats are in the cars and leaning against the fenders.
Ming: “But we haven’t solved the problem. Neat game, by the way, but I don’t know how we could change it so that the Americans finally get the message.”
Siamese: “Offhand, I’d have to say it’s hopeless.”
Domestic Short Hair: “So half the population will get the other half murdered, along with themselves?”
Ming: “That’s about the size of it.”
Ally: “It’s really beyond the ‘unbelievable’ stage: we’re rapidly approaching mass psychosis territory where the whole nation is going bonkers.”
Calico: “The message is clear, but for some inexplicable reason it doesn’t get beyond the eardrum to the brain. Why is that?”
Domestic Short Hair: “Makes one wonder, doesn’t it? Here they’re given a choice: keep your head or have your head severed, and they choose ‘severed.’ Unbelievable.”
Ming: “Well, it would be unbelievable if it wasn’t, but since it is, we’ll just have to believe it, as hard as it may be, which it is.”
Ally: “But 2 plus 2 still equals 4, doesn’t it?”
Siamese: “Not any longer, sad to say. Who flies planes into buildings? Who reads ‘Kill Jews and Christians whenever ye may find them?’ Who kills unarmed civilians? Who places bombs on a street, in a supermarket, bus, and train? Who lives by the sword? I don’t know the answer.”
Domestic Short Hair: “Back to square ONE, right where we started from: be armed to the very best of your ability. And when you go to the shooting range, don’t upset any ex-military when target-shooting while aiming for the heart: right between the eyes is the bull’s-eye. Remember that.”
As the curtain is lowered the music of Brahms’s Hungarian Dances is played as the patrons exit: No. 5 in G Minor; No. 19 in B Minor; and No. 21 in E Minor.
FINI