by OPOVV, ©2015

(Dec. 24, 2015) — “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. As you can see, I’m in my tux as a guest at this year’s national Psychoanalysts’ Annual Symposium on the Unnecessary Excuse Syndrome of the ‘One Can Short of a Six-Pack’ among us. Wow, now, if that isn’t a mouthful. Standing with me is a man who really needs no introduction, a person who is at the top of his field, a previous guest, Dr. Professor Goldman. Welcome to our perhaps soon-to-be award- winning show, ‘Pulse of the Nation.’ Let me ask you, is ‘One Can Short of a Six-Pack’ really an accepted medical term?”

“Not only is it an accepted medical term, it is the most-used medical term of the last century, only to have been surpassed by the current front-runner: ‘Too Much Was Deleted.’ Thank you for accepting our invitation to our party, or, for the wives we use the word ‘Symposium’ to give it an extra flair. Makes it easier to stay up and play poker until 3:00 in the morning: never get away with doing that at home. That’s why we don’t start our speeches until 8:00 pm.

“That’s the bell for the speeches to begin. I’m the second speaker tonight so I’ll leave you now. Take any seat in the house, but if you’re going to ask questions, sit in the front. Thanks for having me on your show.

“Listen: about your hang-up on ‘perhaps an award-winning show’: I think you ought to call my secretary and set up an appointment. Don’t be alarmed; I’m sure it’s nothing serious that can’t be fixed in one or two sessions. Don’t forget to call.”

“Gee, thanks. Like maybe you couldn’t just email me, had to say it on live TV: Roving has illusions of grandeur. So what? I’m proud of the product that we bring to the people, so there. Okay, we’ve got to be quiet and listen to the speeches.”

“Welcome to our ‘Get Away from the Wives Symposium.’ Please, calm the laughter. We’ve ‘The Pulse of the Nation’ with us tonight so we best be on our best behavior. Our first speaker needs no introduction. Allow me to proudly introduce Chief New Leaf.”

“Thank you for the kind and uplifting introduction and the nice applause. For those who aren’t familiar with my work, I go from tribe to tribe, or at least I used to until my money ran out, and explained why the treaties that were signed in the 1800’s are no longer valid, no longer to be honored because the white man went back on his word.

“White man say Constitution law of land, but if that were so why do we have a de facto president? Obama not belong in White House because his father not United States citizen, but a Redcoat.

“Many people in this country ‘Short of Six-Pack.’ Maybe they better get with the program: we Indians are fed up with all your talk that leads to illegal immigrants and millions of people you let in who want to kill you, us too: Muslims, and if no like: too bad. Let me say this: we not like the direction your Socialism-People-Lazy-Bums you want to push on American people. We American people, too. We have many advantages. I say no more, except fix it.

“Pay attention, you here in auditorium and you out there in TV Land: one way or the other, the problems my country is in will get fixed: either you on our side or the saying ‘ton-of-bricks’ will be applied to you. Indian never make threat: only promise.

“Thank you for allowing me to be featured speaker. May you see the light of common sense and if you don’t, too bad. Goodnight.”

“Well, well, what an uplifting speech, New Leaf. So glad you could make it. And now our next speaker, Dr. Professor Goldman, author of a number of best-selling books, and one heck of a speaker; please welcome Dr. Professor Goldman.”

“Thank you for your kind welcoming applause. Chief New Leaf is one hard act to follow, is he not? But we’ll try and do our best. And I see Roving and crew out there in the audience, so welcome ‘Pulse of the Nation’ viewers, a show that is award-winning if there ever was one.

“The subject — as it says on the marque and the brochures — addresses those who are ‘Short of a Six-Pack,’ of which this country has way too many. Let me ask a rhetorical question: who is guilty:  the person who commits the crime or the person who allows the crime to be committed? A couple of years ago we had Occupiers invading public grounds and claiming it as their own, while the police stood by and did absolutely nothing. Baltimore burned, private property was destroyed with no compensation while the mayor and the police did nothing to stop the destruction, a destruction that advanced the cause of nothing except stupidity.

“And who is responsible for our country being destroyed, Obama or Congress? Who is responsible for our young military men and women coming home missing limbs, the Muslims or the Joint Chiefs of Staff, who are failing miserably to recognize the first rule of war is to win? And New Leaf was right on target about the Constitution being bypassed, ignored, trashed.

“I had a patient who was having a hard time accepting that Obama wasn’t who and what she was made to believe he was. But, get this:  she didn’t know what else to do so she said that she’d just go on voting the Democratic ticket no matter what. That, my colleagues, is what we label as ‘One Can Short of a Six-Pack.’ I collected my fee and told her she was nuts and would require extensive sessions at double price and, you know what? She agreed!

“The year of 2015 is almost over, and the question is: Have we learned anything this year, anything at all? We learned that the government and the people are more at odds than ever before; we know that trust is the most important human emotion that there is, because without trust we have nothing. We trust our spouse to be faithful; we trust our bank won’t steal our money; and we trust that government employees will uphold their Oath to defend the Constitution and to protect us, and in this regard our government has failed.

“Now to the upcoming elections and Trump. If you are the enemy, be you an American citizen or a Muslim, then you’re anti-Trump. But if you have an ounce of Patriotism in your blood, just love that Second Amendment and the Constitution, then there’s only one candidate who isn’t the excuse for our country going down the drain. Thank you.”

“And thank you, Dr. Professor Goldman. That concludes tonight’s speeches and signals the end of this year’s symposium. Thank you for attending.

“Now we open the forum for questions. Any questions? I see Roving out there. Go ahead.”

“This question is addressed to New Leaf. You say that the American Indian is fed up with Washington. What are you proposing?”

“Good question. We’re getting off the grid. Charter Schools or home schools do all of our public schooling. We’re producing more and more of our electricity by all available means, including bicycle-driven generators to charge batteries, mostly for home use. Want to watch television? Get on the bike.

“Our casinos just take white man’s money: Indians not allowed to throw their money away anymore. We’ve initiated aggressive anti-alcoholism programs. Add to that we’ve started women-only militias on all of our reservations. Our women-folk are also in charge of our weapons courses: safety and on the firing range. All of our women, upon graduating from high school, are presented with a lightweight .357 Magnum revolver, just as a former presidential candidate suggested be done. All of our women have conceal-carry permits.

“We believe in freedom, so we’re as self-sufficient as possible, and becoming more so every day. When the — when things go downhill — for whatever reason, we’ll be ready to protect our loved ones.

“It is not amusing to us how the white man is squandering his freedom, and by association, our freedom – the American Indian – and, therefore, we will not help those who refuse to help themselves. Muslims and Obots all the same to us. I have spoken.”

“Thank you, New Leaf. Well, we’ve run out of time. On behalf of my cameraman and sound-boom lady, this is your Roving Reporter saying Merry Christmas.”

“Good show, guys. Let’s go grab a burger. My treat.”

Semper Fi


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