“OFF THEIR ROCKER”
by OPOVV, ©2015
“No, no, you stupid. I not a, how you say, ‘shrink’. I world-renowned Professor of psychosis. I not ‘Doctor.’ Doctor first name. Parents wanted a doctor so they name me ‘Doctor,’ see? I’m a ‘Professor,’ understand? And my goal was not to stimulate any stupid discussion by you stupid Americans. My so-called ‘goal’ was to inform you how stupid you people are. You lost any common sense you once had.
“You smart, we on live television? Yes? Then it’s you’re a ‘smart burro,’ is that how you say?”
“Cut the, ah, act. Pretend you’re talking to your banker, okay?”
“Okay. I found that I get more money for my lectures if I have phony accent. I was born and raised in central Indiana but if I talk with phony accent and add grey color to my goatee I make good living giving lectures. Yes, I am a real professor at a small private Christian school in the mountains of North Carolina. I reveal myself now because it’s time for me to retire. So this was my last lecture.
“How small? Pretty small. Okay, one building, two if you include the garage. Actually, it’s my retirement cabin, and I don’t really have any students now. Well, if you put it that way, I never had any students.
“No, no. I really have a degree, but it’s in Political Science, which in itself a joke: politics is anything but a science; it’s more like getting a degree in ‘Witch Doctoring,’ which gave me the idea of going on the lecture tour and writing books.”
“Yes, I read one of them: ‘The 10 Elements That All Politicians Have.’ I found that it was really a book about Al Capone.”
“Hey, it sold. The publisher made money; I made money, plus it got me noticed so I get to play the big campuses, like this one here in your fine city. Before I ever hit the Best Seller list, I worked all kinds of jobs, one of which was being an apartment manager, which drove me nuts. It’s like you’re the Mother Hen and all the renters are your little chickens that bother you constantly, even after-hours. Gave the ex-wife easy pickings on who to cheat with, like a smorgasbord for her.
“Look, my lecture ‘The Earth Ends West of the Mississippi’ — the one you heard tonight — has become my most popular lecture, especially since the de facto president Obama said Americans weren’t ‘exceptional.’
“Right. Like our ancestors never went across the prairies in a ‘prairie schooner’ (the Conestoga wagon) or never went to the moon, built the Panama Canal and developed the smallpox and polio vaccines. Get real. America used to be the most advanced group of people in the world and now look at us. We’re running scared.
“What happened? Mass psychosis is what. You see, many psychiatrists believe that being nuts is a mental disease, and I say when a lot of people are off their rocker it’s a social disease, see? Hence the title of my new best seller: ‘Mob Mentality Exposed (with self-administered mental wellness test included). The ‘Wellness Test’ is pretty straightforward.”
“Very. I mean, if you lie to yourself, why buy the book in the first place?”
“Can you give us a couple of sample questions?”
“Oh, sure, sorry. ‘Do you honestly believe that the de facto president Obama is an American citizen?’ And I like this one: ‘Are you a Birther?’ One more: ‘Is Obama really the only person in the history of the Social Security Administration to be issued a Social Security number of a dead person from Connecticut when, in fact, Obama has never lived in Connecticut?’ You get the drift.
“And then there’s a question section about immigration from the south and the Muslims hoards arriving by the thousands attacking us more and more, and when I say ‘us,’ I’m including the regular guy and gal from England, or Germany, or in Dallas, Texas, who doesn’t want any Muslims within any Western Civilization’s country.
“I mean, it’s not a question if your wife and daughter will get raped by a Muslim, it’s a question of when. It’s not a question of if you’ll get your throat slit, but if by allowing Muslims in, the ‘if’ automatically becomes when you’ll get your throat slit, or get murdered by a bullet or bomb while you and your family are having a night out in a restaurant or watching a concert. It’s not complicated. Heck, Muslims have been on the exact same path for the last 1,400 years, am I making myself clear? Because if I’m not, the Muslims sure are, they tell us often enough: ‘Islam Will Rule the World.’”
“Perfectly clear, at least to me. I hope our viewers understand the danger Obama and our professional career-minded politicians have put us in by having even one illegal immigrant and one Muslim within our borders.”
“Well said. Now those who take the test — if they’re honest — may be in for a rude awakening. I mean, how would you feel if supporting Hillary means you’re suffering from a real and destructive form of mental illness called ‘psychosis?’ At the end of the test there’s a web address to access the answers. We published ‘Hot Lines’ for those who get a little too bent-out-of-shape when they find out they’re truly whacked.
“I’ve also included the names of the private clinics that have very good reputations in treating the disease and also how to navigate the confusing Obamacare loopholes so the proper treatment is free. Yes, that’s quite correct: if you are enrolled or, get this, even if you’re not enrolled in Obamacare, you can receive treatment, for free, to cure you of any misguided support for Hillary, Obama and Islam.
“And so, to wrap up this episode of ‘The Pulse of the Nation,’ the conclusion would be?”
“Simple: Obots are nuts. Look, the litmus test of a Patriot is whether he or she supports the Constitution, and that’s all there is to it. One can‘t be a Patriot on the one hand while on the other support the charter to do business with the Federal Reserve bank, or Obama, or accepting our enemy, Muslims, into our country. These people are not just fools, you must be aware: they’re suffering from psychosis.
“And my last point: Islam, or the followers of Islam, Muslims, are sufferers of psychosis. Any Political Science major will tell you that Islam isn’t a religion but is, in fact, a political philosophy. Why our State Department continues to treat Islam as a legitimate religion and not just a group of people suffering from mass psychosis, I don’t know. I guess you have to ask the current Secretary of State John Kerry.
“Thank you for having me on your show. And now I’m going fishing.”
“Very well. I see that we’ve run out of time anyway, but it was sure nice talking to you. Enjoy retirement.
“And that’s our show for this evening; thank you for watching. On behalf of my crew, this is Roving saying goodnight: Goodnight.”
“Great show, guys. Hey Doctor, pretty clever book you wrote, self-test and all. We always grab a burger after a show, care to join us? My treat.”