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by OPOVV, ©2015

(Oct. 15, 2015) — “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to our show. And yes, as you can see, we’re back in the dusty environs of the Natural History museum’s basement, again the guest of anthropologist Professor Ollie Oxford, who called the station this afternoon saying he discovered a brand new specie of homo erectus. Look, I don’t mind saying I’ve my doubts, but come along with me down these stairs and along the hall to this door.

“I guess we’ll knock. Oh! Hello, Professor, you startled me. You know it’s kind-of spooky down here. This is where you spend your time? So, you called: what gives?”

“Ach! There you goes with your euphemisms: ‘What gives.’ Funny man. Come, you, too, cameraman and sound lady, come, come inside and let me tell you a secret. Let me tell you they are among us, yes they are, so we must be careful. They listen, you know. Excuse me, but let’s lock the door and turn out the lights.”

“What, you nuts or something? Been out to Colorado inhaling ‘Look, Ma, I can be even dumber than I already am’ smoke?”

“No, no. Never do I, my mother — may she rest in peace — would stop the fudge at Christmastime. Ah! such fudge she used to make. My Sophie, not quite as good fudge. Oh, my! Sophie! Don’t listen to old man in dusty basement. Turn off televised show!”

“Earth calling Professor. Maybe your wife’s not watching. Come on, we’ve only a set amount of time, so what’s this ‘new specie’ nonsense?”

“NOT nonsense. We have people who dress as we; speak as we; eat the same foods but they are not us!”

“What are you trying to say? You flipped or something? Pods? Space people? Aliens?”

“No, no, just as we, but without a brain! Better yet, I CAN PROVE IT!”

“By all means, go right ahead. You getting this on camera? Sound good? Great. Okay, Professor, let’s see your proof.”

“I have cameras set up all over the cafeteria, right here in the museum, one floor above. Today’s special is the tuna-fish, but not so good. Burger better.

“Anyway, along with the cameras I have microphones all over, too. Notice all of these monitors along this wall? I can listen in on whoever, wherever, whenever I wish. Fun! True, and that’s how I made my most magnificent discovery to date.

“See the tables? Here, this camera can zoom, so I zoom in on the table, and see? I put pamphlets —  maybe you say ‘flyers’ — from CAIR, you know, the Muslim Brotherhood terrorist organization. And then when the people sit to eat they see them and sometimes talk about what they see, understand? And that’s how I came to my startling major discovery.

“Let’s listen in.”

“See, Shirley, it says that Islam is ‘peaceful and misunderstood.’ And wearing a burqa is fun. And on page 17 it says that not all Muslim men beat and decapitate their wives, sisters, mothers, sisters-in-law, mothers-in-law, neighbors, strangers and all Christian women, especially blondes, after they rape and torture them.”

“So what are you saying, that Pamela Geller really is off her rocker?”

“Yes. She keeps warning us about ‘Creeping Sharia,’ but I think she’s the one that we must watch out for. She’s a ‘Birther,’ you know. Why, everyone knows that Obama is Constitutionally eligible to be our de facto president. I don’t think the tuna fish is any good.”

“See! We’ve heard enough! Proof, proof, I tell you. A new species, brain dead. I call them the ‘Out-to-Lunch Crowd,’ a sub-specie of homo sapien, not ‘erectus’ as you said during your introduction. What do you think?”

“I hate to admit when I’m wrong, but I think you’re onto something, Professor. This new specie blatantly ignores facts right before their eyes. But you know, the handle ‘Out-to-Lunch Crowd’ seems a little bit windy. Any way to shorten it?”

“What do you say to ‘Obot’?”

“Love it. A new specie of human being: they’ve a body without a brain. Amazing. Well, our time’s up. Thanks for having us down in the basement.

“And that’s our show for tonight, folks. Glad you tuned in. This is your Roving Reporter saying goodnight. Goodnight.”

“Great show, guys. Hey, Professor, what say you join us for burgers upstairs? My treat.”

Semper Fi