DEPORTATION OF ANOTHER KIND
by OPOVV, ©2015
(Apr. 15, 2015) — ACT I
Curtain rises to the sound of the first few bars of Beethoven’s Symphony No. 5 in C Minor, Op. 67. The music is played for the duration of the play in varying intensities. The stage is set on a cutaway wide-body jet airliner. The lighting is dim, and whenever an actor recites his lines, a miniature spotlight highlights him from overhead. The attire of the actors is appropriate for today’s fashions.
Copilot: “Captain, we’re going down!”
Captain: “Look, we’re not going down. Why, look at all the instruments: they’re all green, and if they were any greener we’d be smelling alfalfa; visibility is unlimited; if we had any more fuel we’d need our swimming trunks; we’re on schedule; we’re under weight; the plane is new and we’re wide awake, so what’s your problem?”
Copilot: “I’m sorry, Captain, it’s just I’ve got this gut feeling, you know? Like the hairs on the back of my neck are standing. It’s a premonition.”
Captain: “Tell you what: we’re operating under ‘Plan A,’ and if that doesn’t work out, we’ve 25 more letters.”
Copilot: “Joke if you want, but I can’t shake this feeling.”
Knock-knock. Copilot reaches back and unlocks the door. Enter the stewardess.
Stewardess: “Captain, something’s not right. I can’t shake this feeling.”
Captain: “You, too? What, you eat the same lunch? Look, everything is ‘in the green.’”
Copilot: “We’re ‘smelling alfalfa and swimming in JP-5.’ I just told the Captain the same thing.”
Stewardess: “So I’m not the only one. I thought so. What you going to do about it, Captain?”
Captain: “Do? Well, I guess I’ll just have to fly the plane to our destination and keep alert, how’s that sound? Now go on back and tend to our customers, would you, please?”
Stewardess: “Sorry, Captain. I’d just thought you’d like to know.”
Captain: “No, no. Look, thanks for the info. And if you have any more ‘feelings,’ don’t hesitate to bring them to our attention, got it?”
Stewardess: “Will do. And thanks, Captain.”
Stewardess exits.
Copilot: “Well, what now Captain?”
Captain: “I’d say that we go to ‘Plan B.’ Request a lower altitude, for starters. And then, just for the record, inform the company of, let’s say, ‘unnamed concerns;’ you got that?”
Copilot: “Got it.”
Captain: “And then ask them to tell us if they know of any military or ex-military flying with us today. Say we’re just ‘acting in a prudent manner’ and leave it at that, would you?”
Copilot: “Aye-aye, Sir.”
Curtain lowers.
ACT II
Curtain rises on the same stage setting. There’s a commotion in the rear of the plane caused by 16 men and women dressed as Muslims.
Stewardess: “Look, I’m not the one who bought your tickets; you did. Lunch: BLT, that’s bacon, lettuce and tomato. You don’t want the bacon, don’t take the sandwich. You want the sandwich and don’t want the bacon, remove the bacon. Geez, what the heck is the problem?”
Muslim man: “We special people. Only pigs and apes eat bacon. Do we look like pigs to you?”
Stewardess: “You’re all acting like a bunch of pigs.”
Muslim woman: “You hear?! She called us a pack of pigs! We not stand for such disrespect!”
Stewardess: “To be precise, you’re all a bunch of ‘Sounder-of-swine.’ That is all of you. Sit down and stop acting like a bunch of crybabies, or, to be perfectly accurate, ‘Sounder-of-swine.’ Do you think you could do that?”
Muslim man: “You nothing but woman. You nothing. If you were my wife, I’d cut your head off.”
Stewardess: “If I were your wife, I’d cut my own head off. Now you all sit down, Now! and shut up. My God, it even says on your ticket “Delicious fresh BLT for lunch.’ You don’t like it, too bad. Feel sorry for yourself because, sure as ‘God made little green apples,’ no one else does.”
Muslim men: “You insult! You die!”
Stewardess: “That’s it. Try and reason with a ‘Sounder-of-swine.’ My fault.”
Stewardess walks the length of the plane to the cabin door, knocks, and enters.
Stewardess: “Captain, I need those troops, Now! That ‘Sounder-of-swine’ in the rear of the bus is out-of-control.”
Captain: “Let me make an announcement. ‘Ah, this is your Captain speaking. We’re cruising at 32,00 feet and, ah, we have a problem with a ‘Sounder-of-swine’ in the rear of the, ah, cabin. Will all current and previous U.S. military men and women please raise your hand and follow the directions of the stewardess? For those of you who served in combat, please stand in the aisle. For those of you on the, ah, port side, ah, left side of the plane, you can see the Old Santa Fe Trail. Thank you for flying with us today. We, ah, may have to make an unscheduled stop and drop off the ‘Sounder-of-swine.’ I hope you all, ah, enjoyed your BLT as much as my crew and I did.’
“Call the nearest alternate and request landing instructions. We’re getting these pigs off our plane.”
Curtain lowers.
ACT III
The stage is set as in the previous acts. The military men and women have subdued the ‘Sounder-of-swine’ by hog-tying the men with duct tape. The women have their mouths taped. The men are removed on stretchers and the women are escorted off the plane by nuns to the enthusiastic applause of the passengers.
Captain: “Ah, this is your Captain speaking. We just cleared our little piece of real estate of the ‘Sounder-of-swine.’ Makes you think of the, ah, ‘Big Picture,’ does it not?
“These people know what America is all about before they get here, so if they don’t like it, maybe, ah, they shouldn’t come here in the first place.”
The passengers have all been seated and applaud the Captain’s speech.
Copilot: “Captain, may I have your permission to address the crew and the passengers?”
Captain: “You got it.”
Copilot: “This is your copilot speaking. I’d like to thank the crew for their professional behavior in assessing the situation correctly; the military for handling it without bloodshed; and the rest of you for keeping out of the way while this ‘Sounder-of-swine’ was being deported from our little piece of real estate, as our Captain calls our plane.”
The passengers applaud. The Captain exits to cockpit and walks to the center of the stage facing the audience.
Captain: “And that’s how it’s done. Just escort them off our piece of real estate. The big picture would be to deport the Muslims from our country. Thanks for watching our little play and I hope you enjoyed it. Goodnight.”
The Captain returns to his seat and we hear the sound of a jet taking off as the curtain is lowered.
FINI