“A NO-BRAINER”
by OPOVV, ©2015
(Apr. 6, 2015) — “Roving Reporter here at the Planning and Zoning Board hearing for a proposed housing development. It’s starting now, so let’s listen in.”
“Where’s the gavel? Anybody seen the gavel? You there, where’s the gavel? How in the hell am I supposed to start a meeting without a gavel? It’s all a charade anyway; everybody knows the fix is in. I don’t know why we have to have these meaningless hearings in the first place. It’s a great day for golf, is what it is.
“You want something done, you do it on the golf course where’s there’s no hidden microphones and little snitches hanging around. Why do you think golf was invented in the first place? That’s right, so guys can make plans, that’s what. In confidence.
“Look at all those fools out there, waiting around, just wasting their time and everybody else’s. I didn’t get elected for this nonsense, that I can tell you. Perks, it’s all because of the perks and stupid hearings like this is not one of those ‘perks;’ I can tell you that. If I was at the club I’d be on the 3rd green by now, even, no, let’s make that a birdie. I’d have made $200 on the first nine. I’ll put a stop to this hearing, just wait and see.
“The gavel! Thanks, it’s about time. Microphone’s been on? Geez, somebody could have told me, but then nobody listens anyway, do they?
“Well, I can see everyone is nice and quiet. I’m sure you enjoyed my little joke, pretending that the sound system was turned off.
“It’s certainly a nice day, way too nice to be cooped up in these stuffy chambers, so let’s get the show on the road.
“This public hearing is about allowing a developer to build a community, but there seems to be a difference of opinion on the way this community is to be administered.
“The way I understand it, the permits have been issued, all the bonds have been satisfied, and everybody’s on board, including the Methodists, so the only question before us this morning is this: are illegal rattlesnakes to be allowed in or not, and, if once in, will they be allowed to stay in?
“On the one side, represented by the ‘Common Sense Party’ that has ties to the ‘Tea Party,’ so I’ve been informed, they support the ‘what’s been-on-the-books’ view; in other words, the existing laws have worked just fine, so why rock the boat?
“The other side’s argument is a lot more convoluted, as far as I can tell. They say ‘Go ahead and let the illegal rattlesnakes in’ and hope for the best, or hope that nobody notices, that they will deal with the problem if it becomes a problem. Well, let me just say that it will become a problem, and a big problem, so we’ll deal with it right here and now.
“Now I know that this is supposed to be a public hearing and everybody who wants to throw their two cents in can, but we’re not having that today. No. This is what we call a ‘No-brainer,’ which means that the ruling is so obvious as we must ask ourselves why we’re having this hearing in the first place.
“No illegal rattlesnakes allowed unless the previous protocols have been satisfied. All rattlesnakes that are found without the proper documentation shall be deported. Anyone caught with an illegal rattlesnake will be fined and (this is where it’ll hurt them) actually made to serve time in jail. No exceptions, ever. Sick? Single parent? Go whine to the chaplain, for all the good that’ll do you.
“So here’s the message: the community will go ahead, but no illegal rattlesnakes. Anyone caught with an illegal rattlesnake will have to spend time behind bars. Some say a year per snake, but let’s start with a $1,000 fine AND 30 days in jail for each illegal snake/violation. Thirty days, no exceptions.
“I just noticed that we have been honored with the presence of Roving Reporter and his television audience. Well, since I have this opportunity, let me just say that our country should be importing threatened Christians from the Middle East and Africa rather than Muslims.
“This hearing is closed. I have a golf game to get to.”
“Excuse me. Excuse me, Roving Reporter here, got a minute for a couple of questions?”
“Sorry, son. You heard me, I’ve a game to get to and out of this rat race.”
“Well, you heard it. No illegal rattlesnakes are to be allowed in this community. ALL illegal rattlesnakes are to be deported and, furthermore, anyone found employing one of these illegal rattlesnakes will spend 30 days in jail, no exceptions, ever, irrespective of health, financial or family hardships.
“Well, ladies and gentlemen, this wasn’t quite what we expected but, I must say, the ruling makes perfect sense. This is Roving Reporter saying thank you for watching. Good night.”