CAN “COMMON SENSE” MAKE A RESURGENCE IN AMERICAN POLITICS?
by OPOVV, ©2015
Molly Bernard…… Secretary
Patricia Flint……Head Speech Writer
Dea Taft…………… Interviewer
Captain Sparkle… Candidate
Curtain rises on the campaign headquarters of the “It’s Just Common Sense Party.” There are banners on the walls and posters in the corners. In the center of the stage is a round coffee table surrounded by easy chairs (sides) and a couch facing the audience. The only lighting is from a chandelier hanging above the table.
Max: “Okay, let’s get this show on the road. Here’s what I’ve come up with thus far: ‘Greetings to my stupid American friends.’ That’ll work. It’ll perk up their ears.”
Patricia: “‘Perk’ is an understatement. What you trying to do, alienate your audience during your first sentence? Look, we know they’re stupid; heck, even they know they’re stupid, so why beat a dead horse? Just say: ‘Good evening, my fellow Americans.’ Just do it by the book, right?”
Max: “You’re right. Okay, ‘Good evening, my fellow Americans. My vision for America is one of self sufficiency, and by that I mean we start at square one, which is wherever you hang your hat.’”
Molly: “Hat? Did you say ‘hat?’”
Patricia: “No one wears hats anymore, Max, unless in the winter, or on the beach.”
Max: “Then ‘We start at square one: your home. We’ll take advantage of the prevailing winds, of heat sinks, of facing the walls with the most glass south to take advantage of solar heat, of requiring that every building be equipped with a solar water heater. Furthermore, every address will be required to have a manual electrical generator: you know, maybe a treadmill or a stationary bicycle with a 12-volt generator to charge a battery, and then that battery is connected to a power inverter to run anything: TV’s, refrigerators, toaster ovens. So your kid is fat and plays games on the computer, no problem. Have it so the only power that computer can ever get is from that battery that the kid has to charge himself.’ How’s that work?”
Molly: “Too complicated. You lost me at ‘heat sinks.’ You said it yourself; they’re just too stupid to put it together.”
Patricia: “Molly’s right. ‘Self-sufficient?’ That sounds way too much like ‘energy independence,’ words that have fallen on deaf ears for half a century. Look, you’ve got to keep it simple. Use complete meaningless words like ‘Hope’ and ‘Change’ if you want people to pay attention to you.”
Max: “Yes, I suppose you know what’s best. Look, we’ve got to finish this speech and we’ve got an hour before our big broadcast, so let’s get to it.”
Curtain rises on a TV studio.
Dea: “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Tonight we have a special treat for you. For the very first time we’ll be interviewing the presidential candidate representing a brand new political party, the “It’s Just Common Sense Party.” And here he comes now, Captain Sparkle.”
Captain: “Hey, hello (turns facing audience) and hello out there in audience land (waves and takes a seat). Nice studio and thanks for having me on. Believe me, starting a new political party is one tough act.”
Dea: “Why is that?”
Captain: “Why, people just don’t take you seriously, is why.”
Dea: “There’s a lot of questions that I want to ask you, but first, about your name?”
Captain; “(laughs) You mean the ‘Captain’ part of it? It’s all made up. Show biz, you know. Like Obama: just smoke and mirrors, that’s all it is.”
Dea: “(in shock!) You’re not a ‘Birther,’ are you?
Captain: “Aren’t you? You see, there’s a lot of things wrong with America, and if you’ll permit me, I’d like to read a statement that was prepared for me in our headquarters earlier today (takes out manuscript from an inside jacket pocket). ‘Greetings to my stupid American friends.’ Oops! That doesn’t sound right. Look, I’m sorry, I don’t write my speeches.”
Dea: “That’s alright. Forget the prepared speech. Just tell us your vision for America.”
Captain: “Okay, good idea. Change can be for good or not, and during the last six years NOT. Look at the stock market: artificially shored up by computer-generated money, fiat money, which is money that has no backing and, therefore, is just worthless pieces of paper. Let me ask you this: in reality, what is the difference between a $1 bill and a $100 bill? I mean in the ‘going to the bank and redeeming value’ for something tangible other than more pieces of worthless paper?
Dea: “So your party is made up of Birthers and Tea Party people, not to mention Constitutionalists?”
Captain: “Couldn’t have said it any better myself, but I’d add abolishing the IRS, for sure. Just have a Fair Tax. No Income tax. Same playing field for everyone. Off the grid. The keyword here is ‘Independence.’”
Dea: “Well, thank you for such an informative interview, Captain Sparkle, the presidential candidate representing the “It’s Just Common Sense Party.’ And thank you, viewers, for tuning in. Goodnight.”